Content deleted Content added
No edit summary |
Hammersoft (talk | contribs) Undid revision 1305239088 by 200.68.159.160 (talk) Tags: Undo Disambiguation links added |
||
| (36 intermediate revisions by 14 users not shown) | |||
Line 1:
__NOTOC__[[Image:Gabriel Metsu - Man Writing a Letter.JPG|thumb|right|260px|''Man writing a letter'' (1662–65), oil on canvas, by Dutch painter [[Gabriel Metsu]]; National Gallery of Ireland, Dublin]]
{{User:Tony1/Writing exercise box}}
'''Please note: the exercises are intended to be done in your mind; saving edits means the page has to be reverted.'''
Skilled editing is central to achieving high-quality Wikipedia articles. Each exercise below will present you with a portion of faulty text. It may contain problems of grammar, logic, cohesion, tone, lexical choice, punctuation or redundant wording. In some cases, there are breaches of Wikipedia's [[Manual of Style|Manual of style]].
Unlike our exercises in eliminating [[User:Tony1/How_to_satisfy_Criterion_1a:_redundancy_exercises|redundant wording]], most of the exercises don't concentrate on a specific aspect of writing or editing; here, you need to be aware of all the things that can go wrong in constructing text. The challenge is not knowing in advance what has gone wrong. This is more like the real-life situation you face as an editor of Wikipedia articles.
'''"Unfolding" design.''' The exercises are designed to be done in your head, without writing. On purpose, each unfolds in stages: first, the problem text, then one or two hints, then a solution, and an explanation. You'll get the most out of the exercises by thinking carefully about each stage before clicking on the next one. Expect to stop when you've had enough, and plan to return to take up where you left off. We suggest you work through the exercises in a "distributed" (spaced out) way, not "massed" (all at once). Try clumps of five or six at time, then a good break. This is likely to have a more powerful effect on your learning (see ''Scientific American'', March 2012, p. 12).
'''Variety of English.''' The page uses UK/Australian/Irish/New Zealand/South African spelling. Shouldn't be a problem. American readers just need to "translate" -ise → -ize, -our → -or, -lling → -ling, and the few other differences. Canadians, well, you're somewhere in the middle.
'''Feedback.''' We like to know how the exercises can be improved. Please leave feedback on the talk page.
'''Instructions.''' Click on <font color=darkblue>[Show]</font> to the right of each stage. Good luck!
==Group 1==
===Teen pop idol ===
He was a teen pop idol from 1964–1979, and since then he has forged a career as an adult contemporary singer.
{{editing exercise
|1=Hint 1
|2=*One
*One issue concerning the "since" wording.
}}
Line 36 ⟶ 37:
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=He was a teen pop idol from '''<font color=
}}
Line 46 ⟶ 47:
===
The Liberal Party had governed the nation since 1935, and had won five consecutive elections.
{{editing exercise
Line 64 ⟶ 63:
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=The Liberal Party had governed the nation since 1935, <font color=
}}
Line 73 ⟶ 72:
===
The Liberals were generally successful, with the nation prosperous and an increasing welfare state.
[In the article, this comes straight after the previous statement in Exercise 2.]
{{editing exercise
|1=Hints
|2=*Is "were"
*Do you ''increase'' a welfare state?
}}
Line 89 ⟶ 86:
{{editing exercise
|1=Possible solution
|2=The Liberals <font color=
}}
Line 97 ⟶ 94:
}}
===Committee grows tired of chairman===
His father was a lawyer, a judge and, for 31 years, a Congressman who chaired the House Naval Affairs Committee during the Harding and Coolidge administrations.
{{editing exercise
Line 116 ⟶ 110:
{{editing exercise
|1=Possible solution
|2=His father was a lawyer, a judge, and for 31 years a Congressma<font color=
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Explanation
|2=The comma clarifies that he was a "Congressman" for 31 years, not the chair of the committee for 31 years.
}}
===South Korean army===
The smaller South Korean army suffered from widespread lack of organisation and equipment, and it was unprepared for war.
[This could be improved in two ways.]
{{editing exercise
Line 151 ⟶ 142:
===
A protest group was formed to resist the proposed construction, which attracted support from the botanist and environmental campaigner David Bellamy.
{{editing exercise
Line 168 ⟶ 157:
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=A protest group was formed to resist the proposed construction, <font color=
}}
Line 179 ⟶ 168:
That's enough thinking for now. Go have a rest, and come back tomorrow and do the next set.
==Group 2==
===Market town===
Navenby, which has Bronze Age, Roman and Medieval heritage, was made a market-town with charters from Edward the Confessor, William Rufus, and Richard II. However, the market fell into disuse in the early 19th century.
[There's one issue.]
{{editing exercise
Line 197 ⟶ 182:
{{editing exercise
|1=Where is the issue?
|2=Navenby, which has Bronze Age, Roman and Medieval heritage, was made a market
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=Navenby, which has Bronze Age, Roman and Medieval heritage, was made a market
}}
Line 211 ⟶ 196:
===
Montgomery's feat is often described as the most famous save, in an FA Cup final, of all time.
{{editing exercise
Line 224 ⟶ 207:
{{editing exercise
|1=Where is the issue?
|2=The middle phrase ("in an FA Cup
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Hint
|2=Move the middle phrase ("in an FA Cup
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=Montgomery's feat is often described as the most famous save <font color=darkgreen>''of all time in an FA Cup
*Now try two harder examples from the same Wikipedia article, below.
}}
===
Sunderland required only a draw in their final game against rivals Chelsea, who had another game left to play after this match, to secure promotion.
[It has a clunky feel to it; why?]
{{editing exercise
Line 254 ⟶ 235:
{{editing exercise
|1=Where is the issue?
|2=Sunderland required only a draw in their final game against rivals Chelsea, who had another game left to play after this match<font color=
}}
Line 268 ⟶ 249:
===
Sunderland, a Second Division club at the time, won the game, mostly due to the efforts of their goalkeeper Jimmy Montgomery; he saved in quick succession two of Peter Lorimer's shots at the goal.
{{editing exercise
Line 290 ⟶ 269:
===
The Association ranks her as the eighth-best-selling female artist in American music history, having sold 32 million albums in the US.
[Ambiguity is the issue.]
{{editing exercise
Line 319 ⟶ 296:
===HMS ''Agincourt'' (1913) ===
As Brazil's relations with Argentina were warming and the country's economic boom was losing steam, the government negotiated with Armstrong to remove the third dreadnought from the contract.
{{editing exercise
|1=
|2=The first word—what does the "as" mean? Could it be ambiguous?
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=This is one of a number of possibilities for the "as"-as-causal meaning. It was suggested by [[User:SashaMarievskaya|SashaMarievskaya]] as an improvement to my previous offering. The causality is shifted into a new sentence: <font color=darkred>'''While'''</font> Brazil's economy was losing steam, its relations with Argentina were warming. This led the Brazilian government to request that Armstrong remove the third dreadnought from the contract.
If you want the "as" as at-the-same-time-as meaning, perhaps this:
<font color=darkred>'''While'''</font> Brazil's relations with Argentina were warming and the country's economic boom was losing steam, the government negotiated with Armstrong to remove the third dreadnought from the contract.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Explanation
|2=Even when the reader can work out whether it's a ''because'' as or an ''at the same time as'' as, it's often good to reword so there's no doubt. This is a good example because it was hard to know which was intended, even in the larger context of the paragraph.
}}
==Group 3==
===Ms Ima Hogg ===
Ima worked closely with architect John Staub to design the house so that it would show off the art the family had already purchased.
[Yes, parents can be cruel. Remove four words and change a fifth, to produce neater wording.]
{{editing exercise
Line 337 ⟶ 336:
{{editing exercise
|1=''Where'' the issues are
|2=
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=
}}
Line 349 ⟶ 348:
|2=*The grammar is simpler and more succinct.
*<font color=maroon>'''"A"'''</font> rather than "the" is appropriate, since the house—especially in the changed grammatical environment—is one of a class of houses that could be designed for that purpose, not the only one.
*<font color=
*<font color=red>'''"That"'''</font> has a quite different grammatical role now; in effect it's been removed and reinserted under a different guise. Only by coincidence does the word still appear in the solution.
}}
===
Concern over the spouting water potentially knocking people down made the design both a legal and a physical challenge.
[There are at least three issues! Stare at it before you access the hints below.]
{{editing exercise
|1=''What'' the issues are
|2=*Is "concern over a potential" the most direct way to express what underlies a design challenge? Is "potentially" necessary, anyway?
*There's an ungainly grammatical construction in the middle ("water knocking people down" is a bit clumsy).
*There's an "-ing ... -ing" repetition; it's OK, but removing it would be nicer.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=''Where'' the issues are
|2=<font color=
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=<font color=darkgreen>'''The risk'''</font> <font color=
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Explanations
|2=This is a long-winded explanation, so if you understand the solution just by looking at it, please move on.
*<font color=darkgreen>'''The risk'''</font> is more direct than <font color=darkgreen>'''concern over'''</font>, and allows us to dispense with the inelegant "potentially". *The
*Using the verb ''be'' (here, <font color=darkgreen>'''was'''</font>) is a plainer, more direct wording: "X was a challenge" rather than "X made Y a challenge". "Y" ("the design") is now tidily snuck in as a mere adjective to "challenge".
}}
===Artificial turf did the trick===
Artificial turf was installed because it was easier to maintain than natural grass. The potential damage to a natural grass field caused by Seattle's frequent rain also made the surface an appropriate option.
{{editing exercise
|1=''What'' the issues are
|2=*This could be said in many fewer words
*Pick out the bits you don't like and check below in the hint.
}}
Line 404 ⟶ 397:
{{editing exercise
|1=Hint
|2=The bits we don't like are in
*Artificial turf was installed because it was easier to maintain than <u>natural grass</u>. The <font color=
}}
Line 411 ⟶ 404:
|1=Solution
|2=Artificial turf was installed because it was easier to maintain than natural grass, and would be less vulnerable to damage from Seattle's frequent rain.
[Why is this better than the problem text above?]
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Comments
|2=*
*"Natural grass" doesn't even ''need'' to be repeated, since there's now a comparative "less". "Less", then, is a back-reference, and holds the two clauses together.
*The verbose gobbledygook has been replaced with more cohesive wording
}}
===Company threatens downloaders===
Odex sent letters of demand to people associated with IP addresses after sufficient downloading activity had been recorded.
[Just one issue. Can you see it before you click again?]
{{editing exercise
|1=What is the issue?
|2=It's ambiguous. What are the two possible meanings? Even if one of them is much less likely than the other, the "fork" in meaning makes readers work a little harder.
}}
Line 441 ⟶ 431:
|2=The two possible meanings are:
#<font color=maroon>'''people became associated with IP addresses'''</font> after sufficient downloading activity had been recorded; or
# <font color=
Clearly, the second meaning is intended. How do you reword to force this meaning?
Line 453 ⟶ 443:
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=After sufficient downloading activity had been recorded, Odex sent letters of demand to people associated with <font color=darkgreen>'''the'''</font> IP addresses.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Explanations
|2=
*Easy-peasy. But the hardest thing was to pick up that it was ambiguous in the first place. Good editors learn to scrutinise every sentence for possible multiple meanings.
*Adding "the" eliminates the sense that anyone associated with any IP address got a letter of demand. "The" means, "You know the ones I mean: it's common knowledge, or it's already in the text."
}}
===
The Soviets were as alarmed by the problem as their East German protégés.
[Just one issue. And in the context they're talking about the regimes of both countries.]
{{editing exercise
Line 481 ⟶ 471:
Other solutions are possible, including statements that retain the "protégé" idea; it depends on the context. In the same article, there was another forced equative: "The East German government had an equally important incentive [as the West German government]"—was it exactly equal?"
Note that where it's "A plus B", as here, you can often do without the two "the"s (i.e. "Both the Soviet and the East German regimes ..."); binning pairs of "the" is surprisingly elegant and entirely grammatical.
[As an aside while we're talking of equatives, let's decry this tired and cumbersome attempt at elegance: "Three earthquakes in as many months"; or the ludicrous example once heard on [[ABC Radio]] news: "One incident in as many months". Pffff.]
}}
===Nebulisers===
DPIs have many advantages over liquid nebulisers: the drug is more stable, dosing is rapid, the devices are less expensive, and can be manufactured in a disposable form.
{{editing exercise
Line 498 ⟶ 487:
{{editing exercise
|1=Hint
|2=How many items are there in this running list? Four?
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Further hint
|2=There ''are'' four in a way, but on a higher structural level there are only three, concerning (1) "the drug"; (2) "dosing", and (3) "the devices". It's really 1, 2, and 3a
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=DPIs have many advantages over liquid nebulisers: the drug is more stable, dosing is rapid, <font color=darkgreen>'''and'''</font> the devices are less
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Explanations
|2=Here it is again, with the numbers interpolated:
"DPIs have many advantages over liquid nebulisers: (1→) the drug is more stable, (2→) dosing is rapid, and the devices (3a→) are less expensive and (3b→) can be manufactured in a disposable form."
Avoiding the comma between 3a and 3b stresses their connectedness ("devices" is their common subject).
}}
===
Chrissie Watkins, a 23-year-old woman, leaves an evening beach party to go skinny-dipping in the Atlantic Ocean, only to be dragged back and forth violently and then under the water.
[This is in the present tense because it's recounting the storyline.]
{{editing exercise
|1=Hint 1
|2=
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Hint 2
|2=Relocate "violent". You might also need a different verb for the "under the water" bit.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=Chrissie Watkins, a 23-year-old woman, leaves an evening beach party to go skinny-dipping in the Atlantic Ocean, only to be <font color=darkgreen>'''violently'''</font> dragged back and forth <font color=red>'''<s>violently</s>'''</font> on the surface and <font color=red>'''then</font> <font color=darkgreen>'''pulled'''</font> under the water.
}}
==Group 4==
===''Windseeker''===
The main attraction will be a new 301-foot (92 m)-tall swing ride known as ''WindSeeker''.
{{editing exercise
|1=What is the issue?
|2=The compound hyphenated structure is clunky, especially with WP's unit conversion. Is there a simple solution?
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Hint 1
|2=Try rearranging the order of the wording within "a new 301-foot (92 m)-tall swing ride"; you'll need to change the grammar.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Hint 2
|2=
}}
Line 578 ⟶ 557:
===
The castle is oval, with an 11-metre (35 ft) wide stone curtain wall.
{{editing exercise
|1=What is the issue?
|2=Even without Wikipedia's necessary binary international/US unit conversions, this is a cumbersome expression, and strictly speaking requires a triple unit, hyphenated: "The castle is oval, with an 11-metre-wide stone curtain wall."
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Hint
|2=Change the word order.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=The castle
Smoother, and no hyphens are required.
}}
===
The castle has been the subject of antiquarian studies since the 18th century, and it was originally thought to have been the ___location of an Iron Age hill fort.
{{editing exercise
|1=What is the issue?
|2=One word could be removed, to bring two benefits.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Hint
|2=
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=The castle has been the subject of antiquarian studies since the 18th century, and <font color=red>'''<s>it</s>'''</font> was originally thought to have been the ___location of an Iron Age hill fort.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Explanation
|2=Two benefits. First, the ellipsis, in which the readers effortlessly assume the invisible presence of the now-missing word; this is neater. Second, "it" could have referred two singular nouns: "the 18th century", "the subject", or "the castle", and the reader has to work just a little to get over that fuzziness, even though it's obvious "it" doesn't refer to "the 18th century".
}}
===William de Neville===
Buckton Castle was probably built by William de Neville, Lord of Longdendale, in the late 12th century; which would make it contemporary with other castles in Greater Manchester, such as Dunham and Stockport.
{{editing exercise
Line 647 ⟶ 621:
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=..., in the late 12th centu<font color=
*But now there's a succession of commas, so it might be better to retain the semicolon and make the text that follows it a proper sentence:
**..., in the late 12th centu<font color=
}}
===
Due to his background in taxonomy and paleontology, Cope focused on evolution in changing structural terms, rather than Darwin's emphasis on geography and variation within populations.
{{editing exercise
Line 669 ⟶ 641:
{{editing exercise
|1=A solution
|2=Due to his background in taxonomy and paleontology, Cope <font color=red>'''focused on'''</font> evolution <font color=darkgreen>'''in terms of'''</font> changing <font color=red>'''structure'''</font>, rather than Darwin's
}}
Line 677 ⟶ 649:
}}
===Record number of goals===
In 2009, he set a new OHL record for career goals as he finished the season with 215, two more than former record holder Peter Lee.
{{editing exercise
|1=Hints
|2=Is it a
}}
Line 695 ⟶ 664:
===
Three-blade turbines are the most common design for modern windmills, as the design minimises forces related to material fatigue.
[This is the caption to a picture of a three-blade wind turbine.]
{{editing exercise
|1=Hint
|2="Design" appears twice, which is
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=There are two alternatives
|2=The first is:
*"Three blades minimise forces related to material fatigue, and are the most common design for modern wind turbines."
Alternatively, you could change the grammatical ''theme'' (the writer's point of departure for the message, the "what I'm going to tell you about"):
*"The most common design for modern windmills is a three-blade turbine, which minimises forces related to material fatigue."
For one angle on grammatical theme, see [[Thematic equative]].
}}
==Group 5: longer examples==
===St-Calais the rebel===
St-Calais continued to hold out in Durham, claiming he had never rebelled. When the king approached with an army, St-Calais agreed to come out, but only after receiving a safe conduct that would allow him to attend a trial while his men continued to hold the castle. From his actions, it appears likely that St-Calais did rebel, whatever his statements to the contrary, although northern chronicles maintained his innocence.
[There's just one issue; can you pinpoint it?]
{{editing exercise
Line 764 ⟶ 725:
===
[This example comes from
Agriculture continues to be a major part of the economy of Somerset. Apple orchards were once plentiful, and to this day the county is linked to the production of strong cider. The unemployment rate in the county is lower than the surrounding counties. The largest employment sectors are retail, manufacturing, leisure/tourism and health/social care.
[There are four issues.]
{{editing exercise
|1=
|2=*A wrong word.
*A problem of logic and of vagueness.
Line 782 ⟶ 742:
{{editing exercise
|1=
|2=Agriculture continues to be a major part of the economy of Somerset. Apple orchards<font color=maroon> '''were once plentiful,''' </font> and to this day the county is <font color=darkgreen>'''linked to''' </font>the production of strong cider. The unemployment rate in the county is <font color=purple>'''lower than the'''</font> surrounding counties. The largest employment sectors are retail, manufacturing, <font color=chocolate>'''leisure/tourism''' </font>and <font color=chocolate>'''health/social'''</font> care.
}}
Line 799 ⟶ 759:
}}
===Jane Zhang===
Jane Zhang (born 11 October 1984) also known as Zhang Liangying is a Chinese pop singer who came to prominence when she placed third in the 2005 season of the Super Girl contest a national all female singing competition held in the People's Republic of China. Throughout the competition, she sang in English, Spanish and Cantonese in addition to Mandarin Chinese.
[There are seven issues.]
{{editing exercise
|1=
|2=*A word that is probably redundant.
*Missing commas (three could be added).
Line 820 ⟶ 777:
{{editing exercise
|1=
|2=Jane Zhang (born 11 October 1984) also known as Zhang Liangying is a Chinese pop singer who came to prominence when <font color=dimgray>'''she placed''' </font>third in the 2005 season of the Super Girl <font color=darkgreen>'''contest''' </font> a national <font color=purple>'''all female'''</font> singing competition <font color=chocolate>'''held'''</font> in the People's Republic of China. <font color=teal>'''Throughout'''</font> the competition, she sang in English, Spanish and Cantonese in addition to Mandarin <font color=maroon>'''Chinese'''</font>.
}}
Line 842 ⟶ 799:
===Steam locomotive technology===
Incorporating a number of new developments in steam locomotive technology, the ''Packets'' were amongst the first designs to utilise welding in the construction process, which meant that components could be more easily constructed during the wartime austerity and post war economy.
[There are six issues.]
{{editing exercise
|1=
|2=*An unnecessary repetition.
*A missing hyphen.
Line 861 ⟶ 816:
{{editing exercise
|1=
|2=Incorporating a number of new developments in British steam locomotive technology, the ''Packets'' were <font color=teal>'''amongst'''</font> the first designs to <font color=chocolate>'''utilise'''</font> welding in the <font color=purple>'''construction'''</font> process, which meant that components could be more easily <font color=purple>'''constructed'''</font> <font color=darkred>'''during'''</font> the wartime <font color=darkred>'''austerity'''</font> and <font color=darkgreen>'''post war'''</font> economy.
}}
Line 878 ⟶ 833:
*The comma after "process" is turned into a semicolon to enable the readers to pause and gather their thoughts momentarily; the next clause is turned into a grammatical sentence starting with "this", not "which". In any case, "which meant that" is clumsy; better to say it plainly.
*<font color=darkred>'''During austerity'''</font> isn't quite right, and the meaning is clearly that both the war ''and'' the post-war period involved economic austerity. We've presented one way of rewording, which would need to be confirmed by the FAC nominator.
*A user has suggested that "a number of" and "new" may be redundant. Removing "a number of" could
}}
===Chain-driven valve gear===
The locomotives also featured Bulleid's innovative, though controversial chain-driven valve gear and the inclusion of thermic syphons. The class members were named after the Merchant Navy shipping lines involved in the Battle of the Atlantic, and latterly those which used Southampton Docks, an astute publicity masterstroke by the Southern Railway, who operated Southampton Docks during the period.
[There are five issues.]
{{editing exercise
|1=
|2=*Three cases of redundant wording. Read the text as running on directly from the previous exercise.
*A clash between animate and inanimate entities.
Line 900 ⟶ 852:
{{editing exercise
|1=
|2=The locomotives <font color=darkred>'''also'''</font> <font color=maroon>'''featured'''</font> Bulleid's innovative, <font color=darkgreen>'''though''' </font>controversial chain-driven valve gear and <font color=maroon>'''the inclusion of'''</font> thermic syphons. The class members were named after the Merchant Navy shipping lines involved in the Battle of the Atlantic, and latterly those which used Southampton Docks, an <font color=chocolate>'''astute publicity masterstroke'''</font> by the Southern Railway, <font color=purple>'''who'''</font> operated Southampton Docks during the period.
}}
Line 926 ⟶ 878:
Nothing is wrong with the individual sentences in the next passage, but the ideas are poorly sequenced. The task is to re-arrange and knit together the existing sentences. To do the exercise, you'll just need to write a few numbers in sequence on a piece of paper, and to work out the best links between the logically sequenced ideas.
The actual cause of Poe's death remains a mystery. In the days after Poe's death in 1849, newspapers reported its cause as "congestion of the brain" or "cerebral inflammation", common euphemisms for deaths from disreputable causes such as alcoholism. Speculation has since included delirium tremens, heart disease, epilepsy and meningeal inflammation. From as early as 1872, cooping was commonly believed to have been the cause.
<div style="clear:both;" class="NavFrame collapsed">
<div class="NavHead" style="text-align:left; height:2em; font-size:100%;">
'What is the issue?
</div>
<div class="NavContent" style="text-align:left
*The order of the sentences will need to change, and some of the boundaries between them changed. We've numbered the ideas and presented them in the raw sequence.
# The actual cause of Poe's death remains a mystery.
Line 957 ⟶ 909:
</div>
<div style="clear:both;" class="NavFrame collapsed">
<div class="NavHead" style="text-align:left; height:2em; font-size:100%;">
HINTS
</div>
<div class="NavContent" style="text-align:left
*There's a mystery before there's speculation.
Line 970 ⟶ 922:
</div>
<div style="clear:both;" class="NavFrame collapsed">
<div class="NavHead" style="text-align:left; height:2em; font-size:100%;">
Solution
</div>
<div class="NavContent" style="text-align:left
The answer is:
*'''2.</br>
Line 1,070 ⟶ 1,022:
"Chrissie Watkins, a 23-year-old woman, leaves an evening beach party on New England's Amity Island to go skinny dipping in the Atlantic Ocean, only to be dragged back and forth violently and then under the water."
{{editing exercise
|1=Problem text
|2=Judge Thomas Mellon, a retired common pleas judge from Allegheny County, purchased the Ligonier Valley Railroad at auction.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=What is the issue?
|2=Can we avoid the repeated word?
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Hint
|2=<font color=red>'''Judge'''</font> Thomas Mellon, a retired common pleas <font color=red>'''judge'''</font> from Allegheny County, purchased the Ligonier Valley Railroad at auction.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=Retired common pleas judge Thomas Mellon from Allegheny County purchased the Ligonier Valley Railroad at auction.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Explanations
|2=*Now we don't even need the commas; smooth flow.
*Always keep a look-out for repeated words that lie close together in the text—that is, unless they're ''necessary'' to pinpoint the same item for the reader (especially technical terms).
}}
--><noinclude>[[Category:User essays on style|Advanced editing exercises]]</noinclude>
| |||