User:Tony1/Advanced editing exercises: Difference between revisions

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__NOTOC__[[Image:Gabriel Metsu - Man Writing a Letter.JPG|thumb|right|260px|''Man writing a letter'' (1662–65), oil on canvas, by Dutch painter [[Gabriel Metsu]]; National Gallery of Ireland, Dublin]]

{{User:Tony1/Writing exercise box}}

'''Please note: the exercises are intended to be done in your mind; saving edits means the page has to be reverted.'''

Skilled editing is central to achieving high-quality Wikipedia articles. This is a set of exercises in which you are presented with a portion of faulty text. It may contain problems of grammar, logic, cohesion, tone, lexical choice, punctuation or redundant wording. In some cases, there are breaches of Wikipedia's [[Manual of Style|Manual of style]].

Skilled editing is central to achieving high-quality Wikipedia articles. Each exercise below will present you with a portion of faulty text. It may contain problems of grammar, logic, cohesion, tone, lexical choice, punctuation or redundant wording. In some cases, there are breaches of Wikipedia's [[Manual of Style|Manual of style]].

Unlike our exercises in eliminating [[User:Tony1/How_to_satisfy_Criterion_1a:_redundancy_exercises|redundant wording]], most of the exercises don't concentrate on a specific aspect of writing or editing; here, you need to be aware of all of the things that can go wrong in constructing text. The challenge is not knowing in advance what has gone wrong. This is more like the real-life situation you face as an editor of Wikipedia articles.

Unlike our exercises in eliminating [[User:Tony1/How_to_satisfy_Criterion_1a:_redundancy_exercises|redundant wording]], most of the exercises don't concentrate on a specific aspect of writing or editing; here, you need to be aware of all the things that can go wrong in constructing text. The challenge is not knowing in advance what has gone wrong. This is more like the real-life situation you face as an editor of Wikipedia articles.

'''"Unfolding" design.''' The exercises are designed to be done in your head, without writing. On purpose, each unfolds in stages: first, the problem text, then usually one or two hints, then a solution, and finally an explanation. You'll get the most out of the exercises by thinking carefully about each stage before clicking on the next one. Expect to stop when you've had enough, and plan to return to take up where you left off. "Distributed" ("spaced out") practice of writing skills, not "massed" (all at once), will have a more powerful effect.

'''"Unfolding" design.''' The exercises are designed to be done in your head, without writing. On purpose, each unfolds in stages: first, the problem text, then one or two hints, then a solution, and an explanation. You'll get the most out of the exercises by thinking carefully about each stage before clicking on the next one. Expect to stop when you've had enough, and plan to return to take up where you left off. We suggest you work through the exercises in a "distributed" (spaced out) way, not "massed" (all at once). Try clumps of five or six at time, then a good break. This is likely to have a more powerful effect on your learning (see ''Scientific American'', March 2012, p. 12).

The examples are mostly taken from featured article candidates. We've removed reference numbers and links to avoid clutter. Feedback on how to improve the exercises is welcome on the talk page. Thanks to [[User:Gary King]] for developing the "Editing exercise template" in use here.

'''Variety of English.''' The page uses UK/Australian/Irish/New Zealand/South African spelling. Shouldn't be a problem. American readers just need to "translate" -ise → -ize, -our → -or, -lling → -ling, and the few other differences. Canadians, well, you're somewhere in the middle.

'''Instructions:''' click on <font color=darkblue>[Show]</font> to the right of each stage. Good luck!

'''Feedback.''' We like to know how the exercises can be improved. Please leave feedback on the talk page.

__TOC__

'''Instructions.''' Click on <font color=darkblue>[Show]</font> to the right of each stage. Good luck!

==Group 1==

===Teen pop idol ===

He was a teen pop idol from 1964–1979, and since then he has forged a career as an adult contemporary singer.

==Short examples I==

===Exercise 1: Teen pop idol ===

{{editing exercise

|1=Problem text

|2=He was a teen pop idol from 1964–1979, and since then he has forged a career as an adult contemporary singer.

}}

{{editing exercise

|1=Hint 1

|2=*One puncuationtypographical issue.

*One issue concerning the "since" wording.

}}

Line 36 ⟶ 37:

{{editing exercise

|1=Solution

|2=He was a teen pop idol from '''<font color=darkgreenred><s>1964–1979</s></font> <font color=reddarkgreen>1964 to 1979</font>''', and '''<font color=red><s>since then he</s></font> <font color=darkgreen>has since</font>''' forged a career as an adult contemporary singer.

}}

Line 46 ⟶ 47:

===Exercise 2: Canadian politics ===

The Liberal Party had governed the nation since 1935, and had won five consecutive elections.

{{editing exercise

|1=Problem text

|2=The Liberal Party had governed the nation since 1935, and had won five consecutive elections.

}}

{{editing exercise

Line 64 ⟶ 63:

{{editing exercise

|1=Solution

|2=The Liberal Party had governed the nation since 1935, <font color=darkgreenred>'''<s>and had</s></font><font color=reddarkgreen> having'''</font> won five consecutive elections.

}}

Line 73 ⟶ 72:

===Exercise 3: Welfare state===

The Liberals were generally successful, with the nation prosperous and an increasing welfare state.

{{editing exercise

|1=Problem text

|2=The Liberals were generally successful, with the nation prosperous and an increasing welfare state.

[In the article, this comes straight after the previous statement in Exercise 2.]

}}

{{editing exercise

|1=Hints

|2=*Is "were" still the right tense?

*Do you ''increase'' a welfare state?

}}

Line 89 ⟶ 86:

{{editing exercise

|1=Possible solution

|2=The Liberals <font color=darkgreenred>'''<s>were generally</s></font><font color=reddarkgreen> had generally been'''</font> successful<font color=darkgreen>''': during their period in office, the nation had prospered and had built a stronger'''</font> welfare state.

}}

Line 97 ⟶ 94:

}}

===Committee grows tired of chairman===

His father was a lawyer, a judge and, for 31 years, a Congressman who chaired the House Naval Affairs Committee during the Harding and Coolidge administrations.

===Exercise 4: Committee grows tired of chairman===

{{editing exercise

|1=Problem text

|2=His father was a lawyer, judge and, for 31 years, a Congressman who chaired the House Naval Affairs Committee during the Harding and Coolidge administrations.

}}

{{editing exercise

Line 116 ⟶ 110:

{{editing exercise

|1=Possible solution

|2=His father was a lawyer, a judge, and for 31 years a Congressma<font color=reddarkgreen>'''n, w'''</font>ho chaired the House Naval Affairs Committee during the Harding and Coolidge administrations.

}}

{{editing exercise

|1=Explanation

|2=The comma clarifies that he was a "Congressman" for 31 years, not the chair of the committee for 31 years.

}}

===South Korean army===

The smaller South Korean army suffered from widespread lack of organisation and equipment, and it was unprepared for war.

[This could be improved in two ways.]

===Exercise 5: South Korean army===

{{editing exercise

|1=Problem text

|2=The smaller South Korean army suffered from widespread lack of organisation and equipment, and it was unprepared for war.

[This could be improved in two ways.]

}}

{{editing exercise

Line 151 ⟶ 142:

===Exercise 6: David Bellamy===

A protest group was formed to resist the proposed construction, which attracted support from the botanist and environmental campaigner David Bellamy.

{{editing exercise

|1=Problem text

|2=A protest group was formed to resist the proposed construction, which attracted support from the botanist and environmental campaigner David Bellamy.

}}

{{editing exercise

Line 168 ⟶ 157:

{{editing exercise

|1=Solution

|2=A protest group was formed to resist the proposed construction, <font color=darkgreenred>'''<s>which</s>'''</font> <font color=reddarkgreen>'''and'''</font> attracted support from the botanist and environmental campaigner David Bellamy.

}}

Line 179 ⟶ 168:

That's enough thinking for now. Go have a rest, and come back tomorrow and do the next set.

==Group 2==

===Market town===

Navenby, which has Bronze Age, Roman and Medieval heritage, was made a market-town with charters from Edward the Confessor, William Rufus, and Richard II. However, the market fell into disuse in the early 19th century.

[There's one issue.]

==Short examples II==

===Exercise 7: Market town===

{{editing exercise

|1=Problem text

|2=Navenby, which has Bronze Age, Roman and Medieval heritage, was made a market town with charters from Edward the Confessor, William Rufus, and Richard II. However, the market fell into disuse in the early 19th century.

[There's one issue.]

}}

{{editing exercise

Line 197 ⟶ 182:

{{editing exercise

|1=Where is the issue?

|2=Navenby, which has Bronze Age, Roman and Medieval heritage, was made a market -town with charters from Edward the Confessor, William Rufus, and Richard II<font color=red>'''. However,'''</font> the market fell into disuse in the early 19th century.

}}

{{editing exercise

|1=Solution

|2=Navenby, which has Bronze Age, Roman and Medieval heritage, was made a market -town with charters from Edward the Confessor, William Rufus, and Richard II;<font color=red>''' however,</font><font color=darkgreen> despite this long heritage,'''</font> the market fell into disuse in the early 19th century.

}}

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=== Exercise 8: FA Cup final ===

Montgomery's feat is often described as the most famous save, in an FA Cup final, of all time.

{{editing exercise

|1=Problem text

|2=Montgomery's feat is often described as the most famous save, in an FA Cup final, of all time.

}}

{{editing exercise

Line 234 ⟶ 217:

{{editing exercise

|1=Solution

|2=Montgomery's feat is often described as the most famous save <font color=darkgreen>''of all time in an FA Cup final'''</font>.

*Now try two harder examples from the same Wikipedia article, below.

}}

=== Exercise 9: Sunderland ===

Sunderland required only a draw in their final game against rivals Chelsea, who had another game left to play after this match, to secure promotion.

{{editing exercise

|1=Problem text

|2=Sunderland required only a draw in their final game against rivals Chelsea, who had another game left to play after this match, to secure promotion.

[It has a clunky feel to it; why?]

}}

{{editing exercise

Line 254 ⟶ 235:

{{editing exercise

|1=Where is the issue?

|2=Sunderland required only a draw in their final game against rivals Chelsea, who had another game left to play after this match<font color=reddarkgreen>''', to secure promotion'''</font>.

}}

Line 268 ⟶ 249:

=== Exercise 10: Shots at the goal ===

Sunderland, a Second Division club at the time, won the game, mostly due to the efforts of their goalkeeper Jimmy Montgomery; he saved in quick succession two of Peter Lorimer's shots at the goal.

{{editing exercise

|1=Problem text

|2=Sunderland, a Second Division club at the time, won the game, mostly due to the efforts of their goalkeeper Jimmy Montgomery; he saved in quick succession two of Peter Lorimer's shots at the goal.

}}

{{editing exercise

Line 290 ⟶ 269:

=== Exercise 11: 32 million albums ===

The Association ranks her as the eighth-best-selling female artist in American music history, having sold 32 million albums in the US.

{{editing exercise

|1=Problem text

|2=The Association ranks her as the eighth-best-selling female artist in American music history, having sold 32 million albums in the US.

[Ambiguity is the issue.]

}}

{{editing exercise

Line 319 ⟶ 296:

===HMS ''Agincourt'' (1913) ===

==Short examples III==

As Brazil's relations with Argentina were warming and the country's economic boom was losing steam, the government negotiated with Armstrong to remove the third dreadnought from the contract.

===Exercise 12: Ms Ima Hogg ===

Yes, parents can be cruel.

{{editing exercise

|1=ProblemHint text

|2=The first word—what does the "as" mean? Could it be ambiguous?

|2=For their home, the Hoggs chose the largest lot, 14.5 acres (5.9 ha). Ima worked closely with architect John Staub to design the house so that it would show off the art the family had already purchased.

}}

{{editing exercise

|1=Solution

|2=This is one of a number of possibilities for the "as"-as-causal meaning. It was suggested by [[User:SashaMarievskaya|SashaMarievskaya]] as an improvement to my previous offering. The causality is shifted into a new sentence: <font color=darkred>'''While'''</font> Brazil's economy was losing steam, its relations with Argentina were warming. This led the Brazilian government to request that Armstrong remove the third dreadnought from the contract.

If you want the "as" as at-the-same-time-as meaning, perhaps this:

<font color=darkred>'''While'''</font> Brazil's relations with Argentina were warming and the country's economic boom was losing steam, the government negotiated with Armstrong to remove the third dreadnought from the contract.

[Remove four words and change a fifth to produce neater wording.]

}}

{{editing exercise

|1=Explanation

|2=Even when the reader can work out whether it's a ''because'' as or an ''at the same time as'' as, it's often good to reword so there's no doubt. This is a good example because it was hard to know which was intended, even in the larger context of the paragraph.

}}

==Group 3==

===Ms Ima Hogg ===

Ima worked closely with architect John Staub to design the house so that it would show off the art the family had already purchased.

[Yes, parents can be cruel. Remove four words and change a fifth, to produce neater wording.]

{{editing exercise

Line 337 ⟶ 336:

{{editing exercise

|1=''Where'' the issues are

|2=For their home, the Hoggs chose the largest lot, 14.5 acres (5.9 ha). Ima worked closely with architect John Staub to design <font color=red>'''the house so that it would'''</font> show off the art the family <font color=red>'''had already purchased'''</font>.

}}

{{editing exercise

|1=Solution

|2=For their home, the Hoggs chose the largest lot, 14.5 acres (5.9 ha). Ima worked closely with architect John Staub to design <font color=maroonred>'''<s>the</s> a'''</font> house <font color=maroonred>'''<s>so</s>'''</font> that <font color=red>'''<s>it</s>'''</font> would show off the art the family had <font color=darkgreenred>'''<s>already</s>''' </font>purchased.

}}

Line 349 ⟶ 348:

|2=*The grammar is simpler and more succinct.

*<font color=maroon>'''"A"'''</font> rather than "the" is appropriate, since the house—especially in the changed grammatical environment—is one of a class of houses that could be designed for that purpose, not the only one.

*<font color=darkgreenred>'''"Already"'''</font> is redundant in the light of the past tense (unless it's required for some particular emphasis, which was not the case in this context).

*<font color=red>'''"That"'''</font> has a quite different grammatical role now; in effect it's been removed and reinserted under a different guise. Only by coincidence does the word still appear in the solution.

}}

===Exercise 13: Spouting water===

Concern over the spouting water potentially knocking people down made the design both a legal and a physical challenge.

{{editing exercise

|1=Problem text

[There are at least three issues! Stare at it before you access the hints below.]

|2=Concern over the spouting water potentially knocking people down made the design both a legal and a physical challenge.

[There are ''six'' issues! Stare at it and count before you access the hints below.]

}}

{{editing exercise

|1=''What'' the issues are

|2=*Is "concern over a potential" the most direct way to express what underlies a design challenge? Is "potentially" necessary, anyway?

*There's an ungainly grammatical construction in the middle ("water knocking people down" is a bit clumsy).

*"Potentially" is a hedgehog word, we think.

*There's an ungainly grammatical construction in the middle.

*There's an "-ing ... -ing" repetition; it's OK, but removing it would be nicer.

*There might be a way of avoiding the "concern made the design" wording.

*Is it necessary to use "both" to mark the combination of the legal and the physical? Maybe, maybe not.

}}

Line 378 ⟶ 373:

{{editing exercise

|1=Solution

|2=<font color=darkgreen>'''The risk'''</font> <font color=maroonred>'''that the spouting water would knock people down'''</font> <font color=chocolatedarkgreen>'''was'''</font> both a legal and physical <font color=chocolatedarkgreen>'''design'''</font> challenge.

}}

{{editing exercise

|1=Explanations

|2=This is a long-winded. Ifexplanation, so if you understand the solution just by looking at the solutionit, please move on.

*<font color=darkgreen>'''The risk'''</font> is more direct than <font color=darkgreen>'''concern over'''</font>, and allows us to dispense with the inelegant "potentially".

*The <font color=maroon>'''"noun plus+ -ing'''</font>" problem was easy to overcome, by using "that"; the samethis solutionalso eliminates the "-ing ... -ing" repetition. See Exercise 14 below for more on this.

*Using the verb ''be'' (here, <font color=darkgreen>'''was'''</font>) is a plainer, more direct wording: "X was a challenge" rather than "X made Y a challenge". "Y" ("the design") is now tidily snuck in as a mere adjective to "challenge".

*We chose to retain the grammatical marking of the legal and physical combination: ''both'' legal and physical; we know it's a "combination", but "both" reinforces that in this context either (i) any combination, or (ii) combining the legal and the physical, are unusual.

*Using the verb ''be'' (here, <font color=chocolate>'''was'''</font>) is a plainer, more direct wording: "X was a challenge" rather than "X made Y a challenge". "Y" ("the design") is now tidily snuck in as a mere adjective to "challenge".

}}

===Exercise 14: Artificial turf did the trick===

Artificial turf was installed because it was easier to maintain than natural grass. The potential damage to a natural grass field caused by Seattle's frequent rain also made the surface an appropriate option.

{{editing exercise

|1=Problem text

|2=Artificial turf was installed because it was easier to maintain than natural grass. The potential damage to a natural grass field caused by Seattle's frequent rain also made the surface an appropriate option.

}}

{{editing exercise

Line 418 ⟶ 410:

{{editing exercise

|1=Comments

|2=*The [[ellipsis]] avoids repetition ("and <font color=chocolate><s>'''it'''</font></s> would be less vulnerable") and retains "artificial turf" as the subject throughout.

*"Natural grass" doesn't even ''need'' to be repeated, since there's now a comparative "less". "Less", then, is a back-reference, and holds the two clauses together.

*The verbose gobbledygook has been replaced with more cohesive wording: 33 words are now 24. "Also" has morphed into "and", which performs a useful task in linking the two clauses.

}}

===Exercise 15: Company threatens downloaders===

Odex sent letters of demand to people associated with IP addresses after sufficient downloading activity had been recorded.

{{editing exercise

|1=Problem text

|2=Odex sent letters of demand to people associated with IP addresses after sufficient downloading activity had been recorded.

[Just one issue. Can you see it before you click again?]

}}

{{editing exercise

|1=What is the issue?

|2=It's ambiguous. What are the two possible meanings? (Even if one of them is much less likely, itthan shouldn'tthe beother, an option—thethe "fork" in meaning makes readers work a little harder, even if they're not aware of why.)

}}

Line 464 ⟶ 454:

===Exercise 16: Totalitarian alarm===

The Soviets were as alarmed by the problem as their East German protégés.

{{editing exercise

|1=Problem text

|2=The Soviets were as alarmed by the problem as their East German protégés.

[Just one issue. And in the context they're talking about the regimes of both countries.]

}}

{{editing exercise

Line 483 ⟶ 471:

Other solutions are possible, including statements that retain the "protégé" idea; it depends on the context. In the same article, there was another forced equative: "The East German government had an equally important incentive [as the West German government]"—was it exactly equal?"

Note that where it's "A plus B", as here, you can often do without the two "the"s; it's(i.e. surprisingly"Both elegantthe Soviet and it's entirely grammatical, but the [[systemicEast functionalGerman linguistics|systemicregimes functional..."); linguists]]binning weren'tpairs ableof to"the" explainis thissurprisingly phenomenonelegant whenand Ientirely asked on their mailing listgrammatical. :-)

[As an aside while wherewe're talking of equatives, let's decry this tired and cumbersome attempt at elegance: "Three earthquakes in as many months"; or the ludicrous example once heard on [[ABC Radio]] news: "One incident in as many months". Pffff.]

}}

===Nebulisers===

DPIs have many advantages over liquid nebulisers: the drug is more stable, dosing is rapid, the devices are less expensive, and can be manufactured in a disposable form.

===Exercise 17: Nebulisers===

{{editing exercise

|1=Problem text

|2=DPIs have many advantages over liquid nebulisers: the drug is more stable, dosing is rapid, the devices are less expensive, and can be manufactured in a disposable form.

}}

{{editing exercise

Line 512 ⟶ 497:

{{editing exercise

|1=Solution

|2=DPIs have many advantages over liquid nebulisers: the drug is more stable, dosing is rapid, <font color=darkgreen>'''and'''</font> the devices are less expensiveexpensiv<font color=darkgreen>'''e and canc'''</font>an be manufactured in a disposable form.

}}

Line 521 ⟶ 506:

"DPIs have many advantages over liquid nebulisers: (1→) the drug is more stable, (2→) dosing is rapid, and the devices (3a→) are less expensive and (3b→) can be manufactured in a disposable form."

Avoiding the comma between 3a and 3b stressstresses their connectedness ("devices" is their common subject).

}}

===Exercise 18: ''Jaws'', the film===

Chrissie Watkins, a 23-year-old woman, leaves an evening beach party to go skinny-dipping in the Atlantic Ocean, only to be dragged back and forth violently and then under the water.

{{editing exercise

|1=Problem text

|2=Chrissie Watkins, a 23-year-old woman, leaves an evening beach party on New England's Amity Island to go skinny dipping in the Atlantic Ocean, only to be dragged back and forth violently and then under the water.

[This is in the present tense because it's recounting the storyline.]

}}

{{editing exercise

|1=What is the issue?

|2=Logic. Your recasting may find a way of omitting "then", or may not.

}}

{{editing exercise

Line 549 ⟶ 527:

{{editing exercise

|1=Solution

|2=Chrissie Watkins, a 23-year-old woman, leaves an evening beach party on New England's Amity Island to go skinny -dipping in the Atlantic Ocean, only to be <font color=darkgreen>'''violently'''</font> dragged back and forth <font color=red>'''<s>violently</s>'''</font> on the surface and <font color=red>'''then</font> <font color=darkgreen>'''pulled'''</font> under the water.

}}

==ShortGroup examples IV4==

===Exercise 19''Windseeker''===

The main attraction will be a new 301-foot (92 m)-tall swing ride known as ''WindSeeker''.

{{editing exercise

|1=What is the issue?

|1=Problem text

|2=The compound hyphenated structure is clunky, especially with WP's unit conversion. Is there a simple solution?

|2=The main attraction will be a new 301-foot (92 m)-tall swing ride known as ''WindSeeker''.

}}

{{editing exercise

|1=Hint 1

|1=What is the issue?

|2=Try rearranging the order of the wording within "a new 301-foot (92 m)-tall swing ride"; you'll need to change the grammar.

|2=The compound hyphenated structure is clunky. Is there a simple solution?

}}

{{editing exercise

|1=Hint 2

|2=Try rearranging the order within "a new 301-foot (92 m)-tall swing ride ...".

}}

Line 576 ⟶ 557:

===ExerciseStone 20curtain wall===

The castle is oval, with an 11-metre (35 ft) wide stone curtain wall.

{{editing exercise

|1=Problem text

|2=The castle has been the subject of antiquarian studies since the 18th century, and it was originally thought to have been the ___location of an Iron Age hill fort.

}}

{{editing exercise

|1=What is the issue?

|2=Even without Wikipedia's necessary binary international/US unit conversions, this is a cumbersome expression, and strictly speaking requires a triple unit, hyphenated: "The castle is oval, with an 11-metre-wide stone curtain wall."

|2=One word could be removed, to bring two benefits.

}}

{{editing exercise

|1=Hint

|2=Change the word order.

|2="Ellipsis", it's called.

}}

{{editing exercise

|1=Solution

|2=The castle hasis been the subject of antiquarian studies since the 18th centuryoval, andwith <font color=darkgreen>'''<s>it</s>'''</font>a wasstone originallycurtain thoughtwall to11 havemetres been(35 theft) ___location of an Iron Age hill fortwide'''</font>.

}}

Smoother, and no hyphens are required.

{{editing exercise

|1=Explanation

|2=Two benefits: first, the ellipsis, in which the readers effortlessly assume the invisible presence of the now-missing word, is neater; second, there were two singular nouns that "it" might have referred to, and the reader has to work just a little to get over that fuzziness, even though it's obvious "it" doesn't refer to "the 18th century".

}}

===Exercise 21Castle===

The castle has been the subject of antiquarian studies since the 18th century, and it was originally thought to have been the ___location of an Iron Age hill fort.

{{editing exercise

|1=Problem text

|2=The castle is oval, with an 11-metre (35 ft) wide stone curtain wall.

}}

{{editing exercise

|1=What is the issue?

|2=One word could be removed, to bring two benefits.

|2=Even without Wikipedia's necessary binary international/US unit conversions, this is a cumbersome expression, and strictly speaking requires a triple unit, hyphenated: "The castle is oval, with an 11-metre-wide stone curtain wall."

}}

{{editing exercise

|1=Hint

|2=ChangeUse the wordtechnique orderof [[ellipsis]].

}}

{{editing exercise

|1=Solution

|2=The castle has been the subject of antiquarian studies since the 18th century, and <font color=red>'''<s>it</s>'''</font> was originally thought to have been the ___location of an Iron Age hill fort.

|2=The castle is oval, with a stone curtain wall 11 metres (35 ft) wide.

*Smoother, and no hyphens are required.

}}

===Exercise 22===

{{editing exercise

|1=Explanation

|1=Problem text

|2=Two benefits. First, the ellipsis, in which the readers effortlessly assume the invisible presence of the now-missing word; this is neater. Second, "it" could have referred two singular nouns: "the 18th century", "the subject", or "the castle", and the reader has to work just a little to get over that fuzziness, even though it's obvious "it" doesn't refer to "the 18th century".

|2=Buckton Castle was probably built by William de Neville, Lord of Longdendale, in the late 12th century; which would make it contemporary with other castles in Greater Manchester, such as Dunham and Stockport.

}}

===William de Neville===

Buckton Castle was probably built by William de Neville, Lord of Longdendale, in the late 12th century; which would make it contemporary with other castles in Greater Manchester, such as Dunham and Stockport.

{{editing exercise

Line 645 ⟶ 621:

{{editing exercise

|1=Solution

|2=..., in the late 12th centu<font color=darkgreenred>'''ry, which'''</font> would make it contemporary with other castles in Greater Manchester, such as Dunham and Stockport.

*But now there's a succession of commas, so it might be better to retain the semicolon and make the text that follows it a proper sentence:

**..., in the late 12th centu<font color=darkgreenred>'''ry; this'''</font> would make it contemporary with other castles in Greater Manchester such as Dunham and Stockport.

}}

===ExerciseCope 23versus Darwin===

Due to his background in taxonomy and paleontology, Cope focused on evolution in changing structural terms, rather than Darwin's emphasis on geography and variation within populations.

{{editing exercise

|1=The problem text

|2=Due to his background in taxonomy and paleontology, Cope focused on evolution in changing structural terms, rather than Darwin's emphasis on geography and variation within populations.

}}

{{editing exercise

Line 667 ⟶ 641:

{{editing exercise

|1=A solution

|2=Due to his background in taxonomy and paleontology, Cope <font color=red>'''focused on'''</font> evolution <font color=darkgreen>'''in terms of'''</font> changing <font color=red>'''structure'''</font>, rather than Darwin's strategy of<font color=red>'''strategy of emphasising'''</font> geography and variation within populations.

}}

Line 675 ⟶ 649:

}}

===Record number of goals===

In 2009, he set a new OHL record for career goals as he finished the season with 215, two more than former record holder Peter Lee.

===Exercise 24===

{{editing exercise

|1=The problem text

|2=In 2009, he set a new OHL record for career goals as he finished the season with 215, two more than former record holder Peter Lee.

}}

{{editing exercise

|1=Hints

|2=Is it a "''because/sincecausal'' as" or aan "''whileat-the-same-time-as'' as"? "As" in this sense is a badly engineered word in English and is often better avoidedsubstituted. Peter Lee is over-described if "two more than" is there. Lose four words and simplify the structure to avoid the "as" problem.

}}

Line 693 ⟶ 664:

===ExerciseThree-blade 25turbines===

Three-blade turbines are the most common design for modern windmills, as the design minimises forces related to material fatigue.

{{editing exercise

|1=The problem text

|2=Three-blade turbines are the most common design for modern windmills, as the design minimises forces related to material fatigue.

[This is the caption to a picture of a three-blade wind turbine.]

}}

{{editing exercise

|1=Hint

|2="Design" appears twice, which is repeated.a Thelittle causalboring. relationshipIt betweenlinks the two ideas in the sentence causally, but this causal relationship doesn't need to be explicitly flagged by a word such aslike "as".

}}

{{editing exercise

|1=There are two alternatives

|1=Two alternative solutions

|2=The first is:

|2=:"Three blades minimise forces related to material fatigue, and are the most common design for modern wind turbines."

*"Three blades minimise forces related to material fatigue, and are the most common design for modern wind turbines."

Alternatively, you could change the grammatical ''theme'' (the writer's point of departure for the message, the "what I'm going to tell you about"):

*"The most common design for modern windmills is a three-blade turbine, which minimises forces related to material fatigue."

:"The most common design for modern windmills is a three-blade turbine, which minimises forces related to material fatigue."

For one angle on grammatical theme, see [[Thematic equative]].

}}

<!--===[[Woody Guthrie]] (3)===

After his discharge, they moved into a house on Mermaid Avenue in [[Coney Island]], and over time had four children. One of their children, Cathy, died as a result of a fire at age four, sending Guthrie into a serious depression.

==Group 5: longer examples==

After his discharge, they moved into a house on Mermaid Avenue in [[Coney Island]], where they had four children. One, Cathy, died as a result of a fire at age four, sending Guthrie into a serious depression.-->

===St-Calais the rebel===

St-Calais continued to hold out in Durham, claiming he had never rebelled. When the king approached with an army, St-Calais agreed to come out, but only after receiving a safe conduct that would allow him to attend a trial while his men continued to hold the castle. From his actions, it appears likely that St-Calais did rebel, whatever his statements to the contrary, although northern chronicles maintained his innocence.

[There's just one issue; can you pinpoint it?]

==Longer examples==

===Exercise 26===

{{editing exercise

|1=Problem text

|2=St-Calais continued to hold out in Durham, claiming he had never rebelled. When the king approached with an army, St-Calais agreed to come out, but only after receiving a safe conduct that would allow him to attend a trial while his men continued to hold the castle. From his actions, it appears likely that St-Calais did rebel, whatever his statements to the contrary, although northern chronicles maintained his innocence.

[There's just one issue; can you pinpoint it?]

}}

{{editing exercise

Line 762 ⟶ 725:

===Exercise 27Somerset===

[This example comes from thea lead, which provides a sequence of summary statements about the subsequent text in the article.]

{{editing exercise

Agriculture continues to be a major part of the economy of Somerset. Apple orchards were once plentiful, and to this day the county is linked to the production of strong cider. The unemployment rate in the county is lower than the surrounding counties. The largest employment sectors are retail, manufacturing, leisure/tourism and health/social care.

|1=The problem text

|2=Agriculture continues to be a major part of the economy of Somerset. Apple orchards were once plentiful, and to this day the county is linked to the production of strong cider. The unemployment rate in the county is lower than the surrounding counties. The largest employment sectors are retail, manufacturing, leisure/tourism and health/social care.

[There are four issues.]

}}

{{editing exercise

|1=''What'' are the issues are?

|2=*A wrong word.

*A problem of logic and of vagueness.

Line 780 ⟶ 742:

{{editing exercise

|1=''Where'' are the issues are?

|2=Agriculture continues to be a major part of the economy of Somerset. Apple orchards<font color=maroon> '''were once plentiful,''' </font> and to this day the county is <font color=darkgreen>'''linked to''' </font>the production of strong cider. The unemployment rate in the county is <font color=purple>'''lower than the'''</font> surrounding counties. The largest employment sectors are retail, manufacturing, <font color=chocolate>'''leisure/tourism''' </font>and <font color=chocolate>'''health/social'''</font> care.

}}

Line 797 ⟶ 759:

}}

===Jane Zhang===

Jane Zhang (born 11 October 1984) also known as Zhang Liangying is a Chinese pop singer who came to prominence when she placed third in the 2005 season of the Super Girl contest a national all female singing competition held in the People's Republic of China. Throughout the competition, she sang in English, Spanish and Cantonese in addition to Mandarin Chinese.

===Exercise 28===

{{editing exercise

|1=Problem text

|2=Jane Zhang (born 11 October 1984) also known as Zhang Liangying is a Chinese pop singer who came to prominence when she placed third in the 2005 season of the Super Girl contest a national all female singing competition held in the People's Republic of China. Throughout the competition, she sang in English, Spanish and Cantonese in addition to Mandarin Chinese.

[There are seven issues.]

}}

{{editing exercise

|1=''What'' are the issues are?

|2=*A word that is probably redundant.

*Missing commas (three could be added).

Line 818 ⟶ 777:

{{editing exercise

|1=''Where'' are the issues are? [commas not shownincluding the comma problems]

|2=Jane Zhang (born 11 October 1984) also known as Zhang Liangying is a Chinese pop singer who came to prominence when <font color=dimgray>'''she placed''' </font>third in the 2005 season of the Super Girl <font color=darkgreen>'''contest''' </font> a national <font color=purple>'''all female'''</font> singing competition <font color=chocolate>'''held'''</font> in the People's Republic of China. <font color=teal>'''Throughout'''</font> the competition, she sang in English, Spanish and Cantonese in addition to Mandarin <font color=maroon>'''Chinese'''</font>.

}}

Line 840 ⟶ 799:

===Steam locomotive technology===

===Exercise 29===

Incorporating a number of new developments in steam locomotive technology, the ''Packets'' were amongst the first designs to utilise welding in the construction process, which meant that components could be more easily constructed during the wartime austerity and post war economy.

{{editing exercise

|1=Problem text

|2=Incorporating a number of new developments in steam locomotive technology, the ''Packets'' were amongst the first designs to utilise welding in the construction process, which meant that components could be more easily constructed during the wartime austerity and post war economy.

[There are six issues.]

}}

{{editing exercise

|1=''What'' are the issues are?

|2=*An unnecessary repetition.

*A missing hyphen.

Line 859 ⟶ 816:

{{editing exercise

|1=''Where'' are the issues are?

|2=Incorporating a number of new developments in British steam locomotive technology, the ''Packets'' were <font color=teal>'''amongst'''</font> the first designs to <font color=chocolate>'''utilise'''</font> welding in the <font color=purple>'''construction'''</font> process, which meant that components could be more easily <font color=purple>'''constructed'''</font> <font color=darkred>'''during'''</font> the wartime <font color=darkred>'''austerity'''</font> and <font color=darkgreen>'''post war'''</font> economy.

}}

Line 876 ⟶ 833:

*The comma after "process" is turned into a semicolon to enable the readers to pause and gather their thoughts momentarily; the next clause is turned into a grammatical sentence starting with "this", not "which". In any case, "which meant that" is clumsy; better to say it plainly.

*<font color=darkred>'''During austerity'''</font> isn't quite right, and the meaning is clearly that both the war ''and'' the post-war period involved economic austerity. We've presented one way of rewording, which would need to be confirmed by the FAC nominator.

*A user has suggested that "a number of" and "new" may be redundant. Removing "a number of" could emphasisemphasise the global significance of the developments: "a number of" seems to constrain the claim a little; I agree that in some circumstances, "a number of" is just clutter. "New developments" is probably not redundant, since it contrasts with existing or previous developments (which may not yet have been incorporated).

}}

===Chain-driven valve gear===

The locomotives also featured Bulleid's innovative, though controversial chain-driven valve gear and the inclusion of thermic syphons. The class members were named after the Merchant Navy shipping lines involved in the Battle of the Atlantic, and latterly those which used Southampton Docks, an astute publicity masterstroke by the Southern Railway, who operated Southampton Docks during the period.

[There are five issues.]

===Exercise 30===

{{editing exercise

|1=The problem text

|2=The locomotives also featured Bulleid's innovative, though controversial chain-driven valve gear and the inclusion of thermic syphons. The class members were named after the Merchant Navy shipping lines involved in the Battle of the Atlantic, and latterly those which used Southampton Docks, an astute publicity masterstroke by the Southern Railway, who operated Southampton Docks during the period.

[There are five issues.]

}}

{{editing exercise

|1=''What'' are the issues are?

|2=*Three cases of redundant wording. Read the text as running on directly from the previous exercise.

*A clash between animate and inanimate entities.

Line 898 ⟶ 852:

{{editing exercise

|1=''Where'' are the issues are?

|2=The locomotives <font color=darkred>'''also'''</font> <font color=maroon>'''featured'''</font> Bulleid's innovative, <font color=darkgreen>'''though''' </font>controversial chain-driven valve gear and <font color=maroon>'''the inclusion of'''</font> thermic syphons. The class members were named after the Merchant Navy shipping lines involved in the Battle of the Atlantic, and latterly those which used Southampton Docks, an <font color=chocolate>'''astute publicity masterstroke'''</font> by the Southern Railway, <font color=purple>'''who'''</font> operated Southampton Docks during the period.

}}

Line 924 ⟶ 878:

Nothing is wrong with the individual sentences in the next passage, but the ideas are poorly sequenced. The task is to re-arrange and knit together the existing sentences. To do the exercise, you'll just need to write a few numbers in sequence on a piece of paper, and to work out the best links between the logically sequenced ideas.

{{editing exercise

|1=The problem text

|2=The actual cause of Poe's death remains a mystery. In the days after Poe's death in 1849, newspapers reported its cause as "congestion of the brain" or "cerebral inflammation", common euphemisms for deaths from disreputable causes such as alcoholism. Speculation has since included delirium tremens, heart disease, epilepsy and meningeal inflammation. From as early as 1872, cooping was commonly believed to have been the cause.

}}

<div style="clear:both;" class="NavFrame">

The actual cause of Poe's death remains a mystery. In the days after Poe's death in 1849, newspapers reported its cause as "congestion of the brain" or "cerebral inflammation", common euphemisms for deaths from disreputable causes such as alcoholism. Speculation has since included delirium tremens, heart disease, epilepsy and meningeal inflammation. From as early as 1872, cooping was commonly believed to have been the cause.

<div style="clear:both;" class="NavFrame collapsed">

<div class="NavHead" style="text-align:left; height:2em; font-size:100%;">

'What is the issue?

</div>

<div class="NavContent" style="text-align:left; display: none;">

*The order of the sentences will need to change, and some of the boundaries between them changed. We've numbered the ideas and presented them in the raw sequence.

# The actual cause of Poe's death remains a mystery.

Line 955 ⟶ 909:

</div>

<div style="clear:both;" class="NavFrame collapsed">

<div class="NavHead" style="text-align:left; height:2em; font-size:100%;">

HINTS

</div>

<div class="NavContent" style="text-align:left; display: none;">

*There's a mystery before there's speculation.

Line 968 ⟶ 922:

</div>

<div style="clear:both;" class="NavFrame collapsed">

<div class="NavHead" style="text-align:left; height:2em; font-size:100%;">

Solution

</div>

<div class="NavContent" style="text-align:left; display: none;">

The answer is:

*'''2.</br>

Line 1,095 ⟶ 1,049:

*Always keep a look-out for repeated words that lie close together in the text—that is, unless they're ''necessary'' to pinpoint the same item for the reader (especially technical terms).

}}

--><noinclude>[[Category:User styleessays guideson style|Advanced editing exercises]]</noinclude>