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* '''Rosie May''' ([[Rebecca Front]]) - Environmental correspondent. The bearded Rosie May presents the "Enviromation" slot. Her stories are always bizarre, including; the [[sky]] detaching from the [[horizon]]; a mobile [[cemetery]]; a ban on [[wave]] hunting; and a [[refrigerator]] powered by [[earthworm]]s. Her segments always end with a new-age style epigram, such as "Tread not on the forest leaves, for you tread on my face". Rosie never interacts with other members of the news team.
* '''Jacques-"Jacques" Liverot''' ([[Patrick Marber]]) - Resident French commentator. Always depicted as a stereotypical [[postmodernist]] [[philosopher]], eternally smoking alone in a dark and gloomy corner of the studio, Jacques will comment on the news throughout the programme, using a series of pseudo-existentialist ''[[Bon Mot|bons mots]]''. Contributes little to the programme apart from bizarre [[rhetorical question]]s, such as "If we could see [[politics]], what would it look like?"
* '''Valerie Sinatra''' ([[Rebecca Front]]) - Travel correspondent. Valerie works in ''The Day Today'' travel pod, perched at the top of a tower looming a full mile above the centre of [[Great Britain]]. The traffic reports cover strange traffic accidents, such as a piece of pie blocking the road and coverage of an ongoing crash that has been in progress south of [[Newcastle-upon-Tyne]] for several weeks; as well as general traffic reports including a claim that workers have finished [[cobbles|cobbling]] the [[A1 road|A1]]. Valerie is the object of Chris' unrequited desire, and Chris frequently makes a fool of himself on-air in a desperate effort to [[flirt]] with Valerie.
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