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__NOTOC__[[Image:Gabriel Metsu - Man Writing a Letter.JPG|thumb|right|260px|''Man writing a letter'' (1662–65), oil on canvas, by Dutch painter [[Gabriel Metsu]]; National Gallery of Ireland, Dublin]]
{{User:Tony1/Writing exercise box}}
'''Please note: the exercises are intended to be done in your mind; saving edits means the page has to be reverted.'''
Skilled editing is central to achieving high-quality Wikipedia articles. Each exercise below will present you with a portion of faulty text. It may contain problems of grammar, logic, cohesion, tone, lexical choice, punctuation or redundant wording. In some cases, there are breaches of Wikipedia's [[Manual of Style|Manual of style]].
Unlike our exercises in eliminating [[User:Tony1/How_to_satisfy_Criterion_1a:_redundancy_exercises|redundant wording]], most of the exercises don't concentrate on a specific aspect of writing or editing; here, you need to be aware of all the things that can go wrong in constructing text. The challenge is not knowing in advance what has gone wrong. This is more like the real-life situation you face as an editor of Wikipedia articles.
'''"Unfolding" design.''' The exercises are designed to be done in your head, without writing. On purpose, each unfolds in stages: first, the problem text, then one or two hints, then a solution, and an explanation. You'll get the most out of the exercises by thinking carefully about each stage before clicking on the next one. Expect to stop when you've had enough, and plan to return to take up where you left off. We suggest you work through the exercises in a "distributed" (spaced out) way, not "massed" (all at once). Try clumps of five or six at time, then a good break. This is likely to have a more powerful effect on your learning (see ''Scientific American'', March 2012, p. 12).
'''Variety of English.''' The page uses UK/Australian/Irish/New Zealand/South African spelling. Shouldn't be a problem. American readers just need to "translate" -ise → -ize, -our → -or, -lling → -ling, and the few other differences. Canadians, well, you're somewhere in the middle.
'''Feedback.''' We like to know how the exercises can be improved. Please leave feedback on the talk page.
'''Instructions.''' Click on <font color=darkblue>[Show]</font> to the right of each stage. Good luck!
==Group 1==
===Teen pop idol ===
He was a teen pop idol from 1964–1979, and since then he has forged a career as an adult contemporary singer.
{{editing exercise
|1=Hint 1
|2=*One typographical issue.
*One issue concerning the "since" wording.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Hint 2
|2=*"From" is spelled out; do we "say" to ourselves "to" when we read "1964–1979"?
*Which two words in the second clause are unnecessary?
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=He was a teen pop idol from '''<font color=red><s>1964–1979</s></font> <font color=darkgreen>1964 to 1979</font>''', and '''<font color=red><s>since then he</s></font> <font color=darkgreen>has since</font>''' forged a career as an adult contemporary singer.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Explanation
|2=*"Then" is unnecessary if "since" is there.
*The second "he" can be removed through [[Ellipsis (linguistics)|ellipsis]]—that is, it's at the very start and the reader will silently carry it over into the second clause if it's removed; oddly enough, this ''helps'' the cohesion of the text by forcing the reader to psychologically bind together the two clauses.
}}
===Canadian politics ===
The Liberal Party had governed the nation since 1935, and had won five consecutive elections.
{{editing exercise
|1=Hint 1
|2=What's the relationship between the two clauses (either side of the comma)? How are these statements connected logically?
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Hint 2
|2=Joining the two statements with "and" belies the causality: it's ''because'' they'd won five consecutive elections that they'd been in power so long. But don't use "because".
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=The Liberal Party had governed the nation since 1935, <font color=red>'''<s>and had</s></font><font color=darkgreen> having'''</font> won five consecutive elections.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Explanation
|2=Now the causal logic is clear.
}}
===Welfare state===
The Liberals were generally successful, with the nation prosperous and an increasing welfare state.
[In the article, this comes straight after the previous statement in Exercise 2.]
{{editing exercise
|1=Hints
|2=*Is "were" the right tense?
*Do you ''increase'' a welfare state?
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Possible solution
|2=The Liberals <font color=red>'''<s>were generally</s></font><font color=darkgreen> had generally been'''</font> successful<font color=darkgreen>''': during their period in office, the nation had prospered and had built a stronger'''</font> welfare state.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Explanation
|2=The welfare state bit is only one way of clarifying it.
}}
===Committee grows tired of chairman===
His father was a lawyer, a judge and, for 31 years, a Congressman who chaired the House Naval Affairs Committee during the Harding and Coolidge administrations.
{{editing exercise
|1=Hint 1
|2=So he chaired the Committee for 31 years? Two US presidential administrations couldn't possibly last for 31 years (16 is the theoretical maximum).
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Hint 2
|2=What a difference a comma would make.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Possible solution
|2=His father was a lawyer, a judge, and for 31 years a Congressma<font color=darkgreen>'''n, w'''</font>ho chaired the House Naval Affairs Committee during the Harding and Coolidge administrations.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Explanation
|2=The comma clarifies that he was a "Congressman" for 31 years, not the chair of the committee for 31 years.
}}
===South Korean army===
The smaller South Korean army suffered from widespread lack of organisation and equipment, and it was unprepared for war.
[This could be improved in two ways.]
{{editing exercise
|1=What are these two issues?
|2=*An article is required (''a'', ''an'', or ''the'').
*What does ''it'' refer back to?
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=The smaller South Korean army suffered from <font color=darkgreen>'''a'''</font> widespread lack of organisation and equipment, and <font color=red>'''<s>it</s>'''</font> was unprepared for war.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Explanation
|2=*Avoid ''telegram language'': one rule of thumb is, "If there's an ''of'' to the right of a [[noun]], use ''the'' (or ''a'' or ''an'') to the left"; it usually works. Here the relevant noun is a compound: ''widespread lack''.
*There should be no doubt what a back-reference refers to. It doesn't matter that a careful reading tells the reader that "it" refers to the compound noun "the smaller South Korean army"; there's another singular noun—also a compound noun ("widespread lack of organisation and equipment"). "The smaller South Korean army" is clearly the overall subject of the sentence, so make this subject work for both parts of the sentence. Again, it's achieved by ''not'' saying it twice, forcing the reader to silently insert it (ellipsis).
}}
===David Bellamy===
A protest group was formed to resist the proposed construction, which attracted support from the botanist and environmental campaigner David Bellamy.
{{editing exercise
|1=Hint 1
|2=What's the relationship between the clauses (separated by the comma)? Which part of the first clause does the second clause refer back to?}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Hint 2
|2=So the proposed construction attracted support from Bellamy? The intended meaning is probably means something very different.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=A protest group was formed to resist the proposed construction, <font color=red>'''<s>which</s>'''</font> <font color=darkgreen>'''and'''</font> attracted support from the botanist and environmental campaigner David Bellamy.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Explanation
|2=Now it's clear that ''the protest group'' attracted Bellamy's support, not ''the construction''.
}}
That's enough thinking for now. Go have a rest, and come back tomorrow and do the next set.
==Group 2==
===Market town===
Navenby, which has Bronze Age, Roman and Medieval heritage, was made a market-town with charters from Edward the Confessor, William Rufus, and Richard II. However, the market fell into disuse in the early 19th century.
[There's one issue.]
{{editing exercise
|1=What is the issue?
|2=A problem of logical cohesion between the two sentences.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Where is the issue?
|2=Navenby, which has Bronze Age, Roman and Medieval heritage, was made a market-town with charters from Edward the Confessor, William Rufus, and Richard II<font color=red>'''. However,'''</font> the market fell into disuse in the early 19th century.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=Navenby, which has Bronze Age, Roman and Medieval heritage, was made a market-town with charters from Edward the Confessor, William Rufus, and Richard II;<font color=red>''' however,</font><font color=darkgreen> despite this long heritage,'''</font> the market fell into disuse in the early 19th century.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Explanation
|2=<font color=darkgreen>'''However'''</font> tells your reader that you're going to contradict or change the previous angle in some way; but just how this is the case is not sufficiently clear. We've guessed that the writer's point is ironic, and reinforced the close relationship with a semicolon rather than a period.
}}
===FA Cup final===
Montgomery's feat is often described as the most famous save, in an FA Cup final, of all time.
{{editing exercise
|1=What is the issue?
|2=The bumpety-bump punctuation and the separation of wording that belongs together.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Where is the issue?
|2=The middle phrase ("in an FA Cup final").
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Hint
|2=Move the middle phrase ("in an FA Cup final").
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=Montgomery's feat is often described as the most famous save <font color=darkgreen>''of all time in an FA Cup final'''</font>.
*Now try two harder examples from the same Wikipedia article, below.
}}
===Sunderland ===
Sunderland required only a draw in their final game against rivals Chelsea, who had another game left to play after this match, to secure promotion.
[It has a clunky feel to it; why?]
{{editing exercise
|1=What is the issue?
|2=The order of ideas in the sentence is the problem.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Where is the issue?
|2=Sunderland required only a draw in their final game against rivals Chelsea, who had another game left to play after this match<font color=darkgreen>''', to secure promotion'''</font>.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Hint
|2=Can you work out how to reposition the last phrase so it's not stuck out at the end of a long sentence?
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=To secure promotion, Sunderland required only a draw in their final game against rivals Chelsea, who had another game left to play after this match.
}}
===Shots at the goal===
Sunderland, a Second Division club at the time, won the game, mostly due to the efforts of their goalkeeper Jimmy Montgomery; he saved in quick succession two of Peter Lorimer's shots at the goal.
{{editing exercise
|1=What is the issue?
|2=The order and relative length of the ideas, and the punctuation.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Where is the issue?
|2=The first chain is too long; the second fragment (after the semicolon) is too short. Try recasting the join between them, including a different punctuation mark and different grammar.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=Sunderland, a Second Division club at the time, won the ga<font colour=darkgreen>'''me; th'''</font>is was mostly due to the efforts of their goalkeeper Jimmy Montgome<font colour=darkgreen>'''ry, who''' </font>saved in quick succession two of Peter Lorimer's shots at the goal.
}}
===32 million albums ===
The Association ranks her as the eighth-best-selling female artist in American music history, having sold 32 million albums in the US.
[Ambiguity is the issue.]
{{editing exercise
|1=''What'' the issues are
|2=The relationship between the two segments in the sentence is ambiguous.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=''Where'' the issues are
|2=<font color=darkred>'''The Association'''</font> ranks <font color=red>'''her'''</font> as the eighth-best-selling female artist in American music history, <font color=red>'''having sold'''</font> 32 million albums in the US.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=<font color=darkred>'''Having sold'''</font> 32 million albums in the US, <font color=darkred>'''she'''</font> is ranked by <font color=darkred>'''the Association'''</font> as the eighth-best-selling female artist in American music history.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Explanation
|2=Reversing the order of the segments and using the passive voice is one way of ensuring that it is ''she'' and not ''the Association'' is clearly conveyed as having sold 32 million albums in the US. We usually try to ration the use of the passive voice, but here it works quite well.
}}
===HMS ''Agincourt'' (1913) ===
As Brazil's relations with Argentina were warming and the country's economic boom was losing steam, the government negotiated with Armstrong to remove the third dreadnought from the contract.
{{editing exercise
|1=Hint
|2=The first word—what does the "as" mean? Could it be ambiguous?
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=This is one of a number of possibilities for the "as"-as-causal meaning. It was suggested by [[User:SashaMarievskaya|SashaMarievskaya]] as an improvement to my previous offering. The causality is shifted into a new sentence: <font color=darkred>'''While'''</font> Brazil's economy was losing steam, its relations with Argentina were warming. This led the Brazilian government to request that Armstrong remove the third dreadnought from the contract.
If you want the "as" as at-the-same-time-as meaning, perhaps this:
<font color=darkred>'''While'''</font> Brazil's relations with Argentina were warming and the country's economic boom was losing steam, the government negotiated with Armstrong to remove the third dreadnought from the contract.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Explanation
|2=Even when the reader can work out whether it's a ''because'' as or an ''at the same time as'' as, it's often good to reword so there's no doubt. This is a good example because it was hard to know which was intended, even in the larger context of the paragraph.
}}
==Group 3==
===Ms Ima Hogg ===
Ima worked closely with architect John Staub to design the house so that it would show off the art the family had already purchased.
[Yes, parents can be cruel. Remove four words and change a fifth, to produce neater wording.]
{{editing exercise
|1=''What'' the issues are
|2=*Unnecessary little grammatical words.
*A redundant "temporal" word; the job is done by the tense.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=''Where'' the issues are
|2=Ima worked closely with architect John Staub to design <font color=red>'''the house so that it would'''</font> show off the art the family <font color=red>'''had already purchased'''</font>.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=Ima worked closely with architect John Staub to design <font color=red>'''<s>the</s> a'''</font> house <font color=red>'''<s>so</s>'''</font> that <font color=red>'''<s>it</s>'''</font> would show off the art the family had <font color=red>'''<s>already</s>''' </font>purchased.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Explanation
|2=*The grammar is simpler and more succinct.
*<font color=maroon>'''"A"'''</font> rather than "the" is appropriate, since the house—especially in the changed grammatical environment—is one of a class of houses that could be designed for that purpose, not the only one.
*<font color=red>'''"Already"'''</font> is redundant in the light of the past tense (unless it's required for some particular emphasis, which was not the case in this context).
*<font color=red>'''"That"'''</font> has a quite different grammatical role now; in effect it's been removed and reinserted under a different guise. Only by coincidence does the word still appear in the solution.
}}
===Spouting water===
Concern over the spouting water potentially knocking people down made the design both a legal and a physical challenge.
[There are at least three issues! Stare at it before you access the hints below.]
{{editing exercise
|1=''What'' the issues are
|2=*Is "concern over a potential" the most direct way to express what underlies a design challenge? Is "potentially" necessary, anyway?
*There's an ungainly grammatical construction in the middle ("water knocking people down" is a bit clumsy).
*There's an "-ing ... -ing" repetition; it's OK, but removing it would be nicer.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=''Where'' the issues are
|2=<font color=purple>'''Concern'''</font> over <font color=maroon>'''the spouting water potentially knocking people down'''</font> <font color=chocolate>'''made the design both'''</font> a legal and a physical challenge.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=<font color=darkgreen>'''The risk'''</font> <font color=red>'''that the spouting water would knock people down'''</font> <font color=darkgreen>'''was'''</font> both a legal and physical <font color=darkgreen>'''design'''</font> challenge.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Explanations
|2=This is a long-winded explanation, so if you understand the solution just by looking at it, please move on.
*<font color=darkgreen>'''The risk'''</font> is more direct than <font color=darkgreen>'''concern over'''</font>, and allows us to dispense with the inelegant "potentially".
*The "noun + -ing" problem was easy to overcome by using "that"; this also eliminates the "-ing ... -ing" repetition. See Exercise 14 below for more on this.
*Using the verb ''be'' (here, <font color=darkgreen>'''was'''</font>) is a plainer, more direct wording: "X was a challenge" rather than "X made Y a challenge". "Y" ("the design") is now tidily snuck in as a mere adjective to "challenge".
}}
===Artificial turf did the trick===
Artificial turf was installed because it was easier to maintain than natural grass. The potential damage to a natural grass field caused by Seattle's frequent rain also made the surface an appropriate option.
{{editing exercise
|1=''What'' the issues are
|2=*This could be said in many fewer words: consider conflating it into a single sentence to avoid the repetition.
*Pick out the bits you don't like and check below in the hint.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Hint
|2=The bits we don't like are in orange. The repetition is underlined. See if this helps you to think of a neater solution.
*Artificial turf was installed because it was easier to maintain than <u>natural grass</u>. The <font color=chocolate>'''potential'''</font> damage to a <u>natural grass</u> field <font color=chocolate>'''caused by'''</font> Seattle's frequent rain <font color=chocolate>'''also'''</font> made the surface <font color=chocolate>'''an appropriate option'''</font>.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=Artificial turf was installed because it was easier to maintain than natural grass, and would be less vulnerable to damage from Seattle's frequent rain.
[Why is this better than the problem text above?]
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Comments
|2=*The [[ellipsis]] avoids repetition ("and <font color=chocolate><s>'''it'''</font></s> would be less vulnerable") and retains "artificial turf" as the subject throughout.
*"Natural grass" doesn't even ''need'' to be repeated, since there's now a comparative "less". "Less", then, is a back-reference, and holds the two clauses together.
*The verbose gobbledygook has been replaced with more cohesive wording: 33 words are now 24. "Also" has morphed into "and", which performs a useful task in linking the two clauses.
}}
===Company threatens downloaders===
Odex sent letters of demand to people associated with IP addresses after sufficient downloading activity had been recorded.
[Just one issue. Can you see it before you click again?]
{{editing exercise
|1=What is the issue?
|2=It's ambiguous. What are the two possible meanings? Even if one of them is much less likely than the other, the "fork" in meaning makes readers work a little harder.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Further hint
|2=The two possible meanings are:
#<font color=maroon>'''people became associated with IP addresses'''</font> after sufficient downloading activity had been recorded; or
# <font color=chocolate>'''Odex sent letters of demand to those people'''</font> after sufficient downloading activity had been recorded.
Clearly, the second meaning is intended. How do you reword to force this meaning?
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=It's surprisingly simple
|2=Reverse the order of the clauses.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=After sufficient downloading activity had been recorded, Odex sent letters of demand to people associated with <font color=darkgreen>'''the'''</font> IP addresses.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Explanations
|2=
*Easy-peasy. But the hardest thing was to pick up that it was ambiguous in the first place. Good editors learn to scrutinise every sentence for possible multiple meanings.
*Adding "the" eliminates the sense that anyone associated with any IP address got a letter of demand. "The" means, "You know the ones I mean: it's common knowledge, or it's already in the text."
}}
===Totalitarian alarm===
The Soviets were as alarmed by the problem as their East German protégés.
[Just one issue. And in the context they're talking about the regimes of both countries.]
{{editing exercise
|1=What is the issue?
|2=Exactly as alarmed as each other? This might be called ''a false equative'', or ''a forced equality''.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=Both Soviet and East German regimes were alarmed by the problem.
Other solutions are possible, including statements that retain the "protégé" idea; it depends on the context. In the same article, there was another forced equative: "The East German government had an equally important incentive [as the West German government]"—was it exactly equal?"
Note that where it's "A plus B", as here, you can often do without the two "the"s (i.e. "Both the Soviet and the East German regimes ..."); binning pairs of "the" is surprisingly elegant and entirely grammatical.
[As an aside while we're talking of equatives, let's decry this tired and cumbersome attempt at elegance: "Three earthquakes in as many months"; or the ludicrous example once heard on [[ABC Radio]] news: "One incident in as many months". Pffff.]
}}
===Nebulisers===
DPIs have many advantages over liquid nebulisers: the drug is more stable, dosing is rapid, the devices are less expensive, and can be manufactured in a disposable form.
{{editing exercise
|1=What is the issue?
|2=This is a list. There's a problem in the way the items are organised; it's not to do with their order.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Hint
|2=How many items are there in this running list? Four?
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Further hint
|2=There ''are'' four in a way, but on a higher structural level there are only three, concerning (1) "the drug"; (2) "dosing", and (3) "the devices". It's really 1, 2, and 3a plus 3b.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=DPIs have many advantages over liquid nebulisers: the drug is more stable, dosing is rapid, <font color=darkgreen>'''and'''</font> the devices are less expensiv<font color=darkgreen>'''e and c'''</font>an be manufactured in a disposable form.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Explanations
|2=Here it is again, with the numbers interpolated:
"DPIs have many advantages over liquid nebulisers: (1→) the drug is more stable, (2→) dosing is rapid, and the devices (3a→) are less expensive and (3b→) can be manufactured in a disposable form."
Avoiding the comma between 3a and 3b stresses their connectedness ("devices" is their common subject).
}}
===''Jaws'', the film===
Chrissie Watkins, a 23-year-old woman, leaves an evening beach party to go skinny-dipping in the Atlantic Ocean, only to be dragged back and forth violently and then under the water.
[This is in the present tense because it's recounting the storyline.]
{{editing exercise
|1=Hint 1
|2=So the dragging under the water ''wasn't'' violent?
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Hint 2
|2=Relocate "violent". You might also need a different verb for the "under the water" bit.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=Chrissie Watkins, a 23-year-old woman, leaves an evening beach party to go skinny-dipping in the Atlantic Ocean, only to be <font color=darkgreen>'''violently'''</font> dragged back and forth <font color=red>'''<s>violently</s>'''</font> on the surface and <font color=red>'''then</font> <font color=darkgreen>'''pulled'''</font> under the water.
}}
==Group 4==
===''Windseeker''===
The main attraction will be a new 301-foot (92 m)-tall swing ride known as ''WindSeeker''.
{{editing exercise
|1=What is the issue?
|2=The compound hyphenated structure is clunky, especially with WP's unit conversion. Is there a simple solution?
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Hint 1
|2=Try rearranging the order of the wording within "a new 301-foot (92 m)-tall swing ride"; you'll need to change the grammar.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Hint 2
|2="a swing ride ...".
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=The main attraction will be a new <font color=darkgreen>'''swing ride 301 feet (92 m) tall,'''</font> known as ''WindSeeker''.
}}
===Stone curtain wall===
The castle is oval, with an 11-metre (35 ft) wide stone curtain wall.
{{editing exercise
|1=What is the issue?
|2=Even without Wikipedia's necessary binary international/US unit conversions, this is a cumbersome expression, and strictly speaking requires a triple unit, hyphenated: "The castle is oval, with an 11-metre-wide stone curtain wall."
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Hint
|2=Change the word order.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=The castle is oval, with <font color=darkgreen>'''a stone curtain wall 11 metres (35 ft) wide'''</font>.
Smoother, and no hyphens are required.
}}
===Castle===
The castle has been the subject of antiquarian studies since the 18th century, and it was originally thought to have been the ___location of an Iron Age hill fort.
{{editing exercise
|1=What is the issue?
|2=One word could be removed, to bring two benefits.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Hint
|2=Use the technique of [[ellipsis]].
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=The castle has been the subject of antiquarian studies since the 18th century, and <font color=red>'''<s>it</s>'''</font> was originally thought to have been the ___location of an Iron Age hill fort.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Explanation
|2=Two benefits. First, the ellipsis, in which the readers effortlessly assume the invisible presence of the now-missing word; this is neater. Second, "it" could have referred two singular nouns: "the 18th century", "the subject", or "the castle", and the reader has to work just a little to get over that fuzziness, even though it's obvious "it" doesn't refer to "the 18th century".
}}
===William de Neville===
Buckton Castle was probably built by William de Neville, Lord of Longdendale, in the late 12th century; which would make it contemporary with other castles in Greater Manchester, such as Dunham and Stockport.
{{editing exercise
|1=What is the issue?
|2=Punctuation / sentence structure.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Hint
|2=Buckton Castle was probably built by William de Neville, Lord of Longdendale, in the late 12th centu<font color=darkgreen>'''ry; which'''</font> would make it contemporary with other castles in Greater Manchester, such as Dunham and Stockport.
*This is the opposite of a [[comma splice]], in which a comma is wrongly inserted before a fully grammatical, stand-alone sentence.}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=..., in the late 12th centu<font color=red>'''ry, which'''</font> would make it contemporary with other castles in Greater Manchester, such as Dunham and Stockport.
*But now there's a succession of commas, so it might be better to retain the semicolon and make the text that follows it a proper sentence:
**..., in the late 12th centu<font color=red>'''ry; this'''</font> would make it contemporary with other castles in Greater Manchester such as Dunham and Stockport.
}}
===Cope versus Darwin===
Due to his background in taxonomy and paleontology, Cope focused on evolution in changing structural terms, rather than Darwin's emphasis on geography and variation within populations.
{{editing exercise
|1=Hints
|2=*What Cope and Darwin each focused on needs to be grammatically parallel, or at least logically connected.
*"Evolution in changing structural terms" is a little hard.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=A solution
|2=Due to his background in taxonomy and paleontology, Cope <font color=red>'''focused on'''</font> evolution <font color=darkgreen>'''in terms of'''</font> changing <font color=red>'''structure'''</font>, rather than Darwin's <font color=red>'''strategy of emphasising'''</font> geography and variation within populations.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Explanation
|2=This is only one way of doing it.
}}
===Record number of goals===
In 2009, he set a new OHL record for career goals as he finished the season with 215, two more than former record holder Peter Lee.
{{editing exercise
|1=Hints
|2=Is it a ''causal'' as or an ''at-the-same-time-as'' as? "As" in this sense is a badly engineered word in English and is often better substituted. Peter Lee is over-described if "two more than" is there. Lose four words and simplify the structure to avoid the "as" problem.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=A solution
|2=In 2009, he finished the season with a career total of 215 goals, breaking Peter Lee's OHL record by two.
}}
===Three-blade turbines===
Three-blade turbines are the most common design for modern windmills, as the design minimises forces related to material fatigue.
[This is the caption to a picture of a three-blade wind turbine.]
{{editing exercise
|1=Hint
|2="Design" appears twice, which is a little boring. It links the two ideas in the sentence causally, but this causal relationship doesn't need to be explicitly flagged by a word like "as".
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=There are two alternatives
|2=The first is:
*"Three blades minimise forces related to material fatigue, and are the most common design for modern wind turbines."
Alternatively, you could change the grammatical ''theme'' (the writer's point of departure for the message, the "what I'm going to tell you about"):
*"The most common design for modern windmills is a three-blade turbine, which minimises forces related to material fatigue."
For one angle on grammatical theme, see [[Thematic equative]].
}}
==Group 5: longer examples==
===St-Calais the rebel===
St-Calais continued to hold out in Durham, claiming he had never rebelled. When the king approached with an army, St-Calais agreed to come out, but only after receiving a safe conduct that would allow him to attend a trial while his men continued to hold the castle. From his actions, it appears likely that St-Calais did rebel, whatever his statements to the contrary, although northern chronicles maintained his innocence.
[There's just one issue; can you pinpoint it?]
{{editing exercise
|1=What is the issue?
|2=The logical connection between two phrases.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Where is the issue?
|2=St-Calais continued to hold out in Durham, claiming he had never rebelled. When the king approached with an army, St-Calais agreed to come out, but only after receiving a safe conduct that would allow him to attend a trial while his men continued to hold the castle. From his actions, it appears likely that St-Calais did rebel, whatever his claims to the contrary, <font color=teal>'''although'''</font> northern chronicles maintained his innocence.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Hint
|2=Where should the contrast be? Between his claims and what the northern chronicles reported, or is there a more basic contrast?
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Further hint
|2=Both "whatever his claims to the contrary" and the fact that "northern chronicles maintained his innocence" seem to be on the same side of the conflict between (1) what his actions suggested, and (2) recorded reports of verbal statements. Therefore, <font color=teal>'''although'''</font> shouldn't contrast the two phrases that are expressing (2); there's another word present that can do the job of contrasting (1) and (2).
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=St-Calais continued to hold out in Durham, claiming he had never rebelled. When the king approached with an army, St-Calais agreed to come out, but only after receiving a safe conduct that would allow him to attend a trial while his men continued to hold the castle. <font color=maroon>'''St-Calais's actions suggest that he did rebel, whatever his claims to the contrary and statements of his innocence in northern chronicles.'''</font>
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Explanation
|2="Whatever" now provides the critical logical contrast between what his actions suggested and the verbal claims.
}}
===Somerset===
[This example comes from a lead, which provides a sequence of summary statements about the subsequent text in the article.]
Agriculture continues to be a major part of the economy of Somerset. Apple orchards were once plentiful, and to this day the county is linked to the production of strong cider. The unemployment rate in the county is lower than the surrounding counties. The largest employment sectors are retail, manufacturing, leisure/tourism and health/social care.
[There are four issues.]
{{editing exercise
|1=What are the issues?
|2=*A wrong word.
*A problem of logic and of vagueness.
*A MoS breach.
*A false comparison.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Where are the issues?
|2=Agriculture continues to be a major part of the economy of Somerset. Apple orchards<font color=maroon> '''were once plentiful,''' </font> and to this day the county is <font color=darkgreen>'''linked to''' </font>the production of strong cider. The unemployment rate in the county is <font color=purple>'''lower than the'''</font> surrounding counties. The largest employment sectors are retail, manufacturing, <font color=chocolate>'''leisure/tourism''' </font>and <font color=chocolate>'''health/social'''</font> care.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=Agriculture continues to be a major part of the economy of Somerset. Apple orchards <font color=maroon>'''<s>were once plentiful</s> have been plentiful for more than [?five] centuries,'''</font> and to this day the county is <font color=darkgreen>'''<s>linked to</s> known for'''</font> the production of strong cider. The unemployment rate in the county is lower than <font color=purple>'''that of'''</font> the surrounding counties. The largest employment sectors are retail, manufacturing, <font color=chocolate>'''<s>leisure/tourism</s> leisure and tourism,''' </font>and <font color=chocolate>'''<s>health/social care</s> health and social care'''</font>.</font>
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Explanations
|2=*<font color=maroon>'''The problem of logic and of vagueness: "Once"'''</font> suggests that the orchards were plentiful at some time in the past and are no longer so; but the subsequent clause implies that plentiful orchards have ever since been and still are plentiful, since the county is known for its apple cider. An indication is required of when "in the past" this was, even if as vague as <font color=maroon>'''"for at least five centuries"'''</font>. We have guessed a solution; the author would need to be asked to check this.
*<font color=darkgreen>'''The wrong words: "Linked to"'''</font> is ambiguous; <font color=darkgreen>'''"known for"'''</font> is presumably what the author intended.
*<font color=purple>'''The false comparison:''' </font>The unemployment rate in Somerset is being compared with the unemployment rate in the surrounding counties, not with the counties themselves; <font color=purple>'''"that of"'''</font> can be inserted to stand for "the unemployment rate of" those other counties; then the comparison is valid.</font>
*<font color=chocolate>'''The MoS breach:'''</font> Slashes are '''[[Wikipedia:Manual_of_Style#Slashes|usually avoided]]'''.
}}
===Jane Zhang===
Jane Zhang (born 11 October 1984) also known as Zhang Liangying is a Chinese pop singer who came to prominence when she placed third in the 2005 season of the Super Girl contest a national all female singing competition held in the People's Republic of China. Throughout the competition, she sang in English, Spanish and Cantonese in addition to Mandarin Chinese.
[There are seven issues.]
{{editing exercise
|1=What are the issues?
|2=*A word that is probably redundant.
*Missing commas (three could be added).
*A word that is inconsistently applied in one place but not another.
*A potentially misleading lexical item (word).
*A verb that is used wrongly in active voice.
*A missing hyphen.
*A character that may need to be changed in case (upper to lower, or lower to upper).
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Where are the issues? [not including the comma problems]
|2=Jane Zhang (born 11 October 1984) also known as Zhang Liangying is a Chinese pop singer who came to prominence when <font color=dimgray>'''she placed''' </font>third in the 2005 season of the Super Girl <font color=darkgreen>'''contest''' </font> a national <font color=purple>'''all female'''</font> singing competition <font color=chocolate>'''held'''</font> in the People's Republic of China. <font color=teal>'''Throughout'''</font> the competition, she sang in English, Spanish and Cantonese in addition to Mandarin <font color=maroon>'''Chinese'''</font>.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=Jane Zhang (born 11 October 1984)<font color=red>''',''' </font>also known as Zhang Liangying<font color=red>''',''' </font>is a Chinese pop singer who came to prominence when she <font color=dimgray>'''was placed''' </font>third in the 2005 season of the Super Girl <font color=darkgreen>'''<s>contest</s> Contest'''</font><font color=red>''',''' </font>a national <font color=purple>'''all-female'''</font> singing competition <font color=chocolate>'''<s>held</s>'''</font> in the People's Republic of China. <font color=teal>'''<s>Throughout</s> During'''</font> the competition, she sang in English, Spanish and Cantonese in addition to Mandarin <font color=maroon>'''<s>Chinese</s>'''</font>.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Explanations
|2=*<font color=red>'''Three commas''' </font>are required: the first two are boundaries for a ''nested'' phrase ("also known as Zhang Liangying"); the third is an "equative" comma, meaning "that is".
*<font color=dimgray>'''"Placed"''' </font>can't refer to what she does, but to what is done to her; the passive voice must be used (<font color=dimgray>'''"was placed"'''</font>).
*<font color=purple>'''A hyphen''' </font>is required for <font color=purple>'''"all-female"'''</font>, which is a double adjective. This is the case even in AmEng. See [[Wikipedia:Manual_of_Style#Hyphens|MOS on hyphens]].
*<font color=darkgreen>'''An upper-case "C"''' </font>is required, for <font color=darkgreen>'''"Contest"'''</font>, since it's part of the title of the competition; this can be confirmed at the linked article and the link re-piped.
*<font color=chocolate>'''"Held"''' </font>is hardly necessary, since all competitions are held, and we're told its country of ___location.
*<font color=teal>'''"Throughout"'''</font> may imply that she sang from start to finish in a mixture of all four languages; while this is an unlikely meaning, it is clearer to use <font color=teal>'''"during"'''</font>, which doesn't convey the start-to-finish meaning.
*<font color=maroon>'''"Chinese"''' </font>is used to qualify "Mandarin", but not "Cantonese"; however, both are Chinese languages. It's probably acceptable to remove <font color=maroon>'''"Chinese"''' </font>altogether, since China is central to the topic and both languages were linked. Re-pipe the link.
*There's one more issue: the list of languages at the end finishes with "in addition to"; why the ''marked'' form of "and" is used is unclear. Is Mandarin somehow different from the rest of the list? Perhaps it's her native language, but it's all a mystery to the poor reader.
}}
===Steam locomotive technology===
Incorporating a number of new developments in steam locomotive technology, the ''Packets'' were amongst the first designs to utilise welding in the construction process, which meant that components could be more easily constructed during the wartime austerity and post war economy.
[There are six issues.]
{{editing exercise
|1=What are the issues?
|2=*An unnecessary repetition.
*A missing hyphen.
*An ugly word that has a common, shorter equivalent.
*An old-fashioned word.
*Opportunities for neater expression in two places.
*An opportunity to split an over-long sentence.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Where are the issues?
|2=Incorporating a number of new developments in British steam locomotive technology, the ''Packets'' were <font color=teal>'''amongst'''</font> the first designs to <font color=chocolate>'''utilise'''</font> welding in the <font color=purple>'''construction'''</font> process, which meant that components could be more easily <font color=purple>'''constructed'''</font> <font color=darkred>'''during'''</font> the wartime <font color=darkred>'''austerity'''</font> and <font color=darkgreen>'''post war'''</font> economy.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=Incorporating a number of new developments in steam locomotive technology, the ''Packets'' were <font color=teal>'''among'''</font> the first designs to <font color=chocolate>'''use'''</font> welding in the construction process; this enabled the easier <font color=purple>'''fabrication'''</font color></font> of components</font> <font color=darkred>'''during the austerity'''</font> of the wartime and <font color=darkgreen>'''post-war'''</font> economy</font>.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Explanations
|2=*<font color=teal>'''"Amongst"'''</font> is better as the plainer and shorter <font color=teal>'''"among"'''</font>.
*<font color=chocolate>'''"Utilise"'''</font> is a very ugly word for <font color=chocolate>'''"use"'''</font>.
*The second occurrence of <font color=purple>'''"construction/constructed"'''</font color> can be avoided by substituting it with <font color=purple>'''"fabrication"'''</font color>.
*<font color=darkgreen>'''"Post-war"'''</font> is a double adjective before "economy", and should therefore be hyphenated.
*The comma after "process" is turned into a semicolon to enable the readers to pause and gather their thoughts momentarily; the next clause is turned into a grammatical sentence starting with "this", not "which". In any case, "which meant that" is clumsy; better to say it plainly.
*<font color=darkred>'''During austerity'''</font> isn't quite right, and the meaning is clearly that both the war ''and'' the post-war period involved economic austerity. We've presented one way of rewording, which would need to be confirmed by the FAC nominator.
*A user has suggested that "a number of" and "new" may be redundant. Removing "a number of" could emphasise the global significance of the developments: "a number of" seems to constrain the claim a little; I agree that in some circumstances, "a number of" is just clutter. "New developments" is probably not redundant, since it contrasts with existing or previous developments (which may not yet have been incorporated).
}}
===Chain-driven valve gear===
The locomotives also featured Bulleid's innovative, though controversial chain-driven valve gear and the inclusion of thermic syphons. The class members were named after the Merchant Navy shipping lines involved in the Battle of the Atlantic, and latterly those which used Southampton Docks, an astute publicity masterstroke by the Southern Railway, who operated Southampton Docks during the period.
[There are five issues.]
{{editing exercise
|1=What are the issues?
|2=*Three cases of redundant wording. Read the text as running on directly from the previous exercise.
*A clash between animate and inanimate entities.
*A false contrast (a problem of logical flow).
*The use of two expressions of very similar meaning, where a common expression would make the text more cohesive.
*An opportunity to split an over-long sentence and at the same time to avoid ambiguity.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Where are the issues?
|2=The locomotives <font color=darkred>'''also'''</font> <font color=maroon>'''featured'''</font> Bulleid's innovative, <font color=darkgreen>'''though''' </font>controversial chain-driven valve gear and <font color=maroon>'''the inclusion of'''</font> thermic syphons. The class members were named after the Merchant Navy shipping lines involved in the Battle of the Atlantic, and latterly those which used Southampton Docks, an <font color=chocolate>'''astute publicity masterstroke'''</font> by the Southern Railway, <font color=purple>'''who'''</font> operated Southampton Docks during the period.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=The locomotives <font color= maroon>'''<s>also</s> featured'''</font> thermic syphons and Bulleid's innovative<font color=darkgreen>, '''<s>though</s>'''</font> controversial chain-driven valve gear. The class members were named after the Merchant Navy shipping lines involved in the Battle of the Atlantic, and latterly those which used Southampton Docks'''; this was''' <font color=chocolate>'''<s>an astute</s> a publicity masterstroke'''</font> by the Southern Railway, <font color=purple>'''<s>who</s> which'''</font> operated Southampton Docks during the period.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Explanations
|2=*Redundant wording. First, even when you read this as running on directly from the previous exercise text, you don't need to be told that this is ''another'' attribute of the locomotives: it's stronger without <font color= maroon>'''<s>also</s>'''</font>. Second, we don't need both <font color= maroon>'''featured'''</font> ''and'' <font color= maroon>'''the inclusion of'''</font>. Pure fluff, since if something is featured, it ''is'' included.
*Innovation and controversy often go together; they certainly don't want to be marked as an unusual combination by <font color=darkgreen>'''though</s>'''</font>.
*Long-sentence indigestion: give your readers a break and split it; the semicolon boundary and the '''this was''' back-connector will ''help'' them to connect the publicity masterstroke with the action of naming the ships, right back at the start of the sentence.
*What <font color=chocolate>'''masterstroke'''</font> ''isn't'' <font color=chocolate>'''astute'''</font>?
*The Docks and the Southern Railway might have been operated by people, but they were both corporate entities and deserve <font color=purple>'''which'''</font>, not <font color=purple>'''who'''</font>.
}}
<!--
===Edgar Allan Poe===
[[Edgar Allan Poe|Link to article]]
[This one is difficult and complicated; I might decide to remove it.]
Nothing is wrong with the individual sentences in the next passage, but the ideas are poorly sequenced. The task is to re-arrange and knit together the existing sentences. To do the exercise, you'll just need to write a few numbers in sequence on a piece of paper, and to work out the best links between the logically sequenced ideas.
The actual cause of Poe's death remains a mystery. In the days after Poe's death in 1849, newspapers reported its cause as "congestion of the brain" or "cerebral inflammation", common euphemisms for deaths from disreputable causes such as alcoholism. Speculation has since included delirium tremens, heart disease, epilepsy and meningeal inflammation. From as early as 1872, cooping was commonly believed to have been the cause.
<div style="clear:both;" class="NavFrame collapsed">
<div class="NavHead" style="text-align:left; height:2em; font-size:100%;">
'What is the issue?
</div>
<div class="NavContent" style="text-align:left;">
*The order of the sentences will need to change, and some of the boundaries between them changed. We've numbered the ideas and presented them in the raw sequence.
# The actual cause of Poe's death remains a mystery.
# In the days after Poe's death in 1849,
# newspapers reported the cause as "congestion of the brain" or "cerebral inflammation", common euphemisms for deaths from disreputable causes such as alcoholism.
# Speculation has since included delirium tremens, heart disease, epilepsy and meningeal inflammation.
# From as early as 1872, cooping was commonly believed to have been the cause.
We want you to write out the sequence of four numbers, and in doing so, to;
*use <font color=red>'''a semicolon'''</font> to join two of these sentences;
*use <font color=darkblue>'''", and"'''</font> to join two of the sentences; and
*insert one <font color=purple>'''"However"'''</font>.
Here's a sample wrong answer:</font></br>
*'''3<font color=darkblue>''',</br>
*'''and</font> 2.</br>
*'''4<font color=red>;</font></br>
*'''<font color=purple>however,</font> 1.'''</br>
The next box contains a few hints.
</div>
</div>
<div style="clear:both;" class="NavFrame collapsed">
<div class="NavHead" style="text-align:left; height:2em; font-size:100%;">
HINTS
</div>
<div class="NavContent" style="text-align:left;">
*There's a mystery before there's speculation.
*There are reports before talk of the ''actual'' cause.
*"Since" suggests that something else has happened beforehand.
</div>
</div>
<div style="clear:both;" class="NavFrame collapsed">
<div class="NavHead" style="text-align:left; height:2em; font-size:100%;">
Solution
</div>
<div class="NavContent" style="text-align:left;">
The answer is:
*'''2.</br>
*<Font color=purple>'''However,</font> 1<font color=red>;</font></br>
*'''4<font color=darkblue>''',</br>
*'''and</font> 3.'''</br>
In the days after Poe's death in 1849, newspapers reported the cause as "congestion of the brain" or "cerebral inflammation", common euphemisms for deaths from desreputable causes such as alcoholism. <Font color=purple>'''However,'''</font> the actual cause of<font color=darkgreen> '''<s>Poe's</s>'''</font> death remains a myster<font color=red>'''y; f'''</font>rom as early as 1872, cooping was commonly believed to have been the caus<font color=darkblue>'''e, and'''</font color> speculation has since included delirium tremens, heart disease, epilepsy and meningeal inflammation.
'''Notes'''
*We've also used ellipsis to remove one of the two instances of <font color=darkgreen>'''"Poe's"'''</font>.
</div>
</div>
Bad listing technique: Starch is one of the most important polymers for humanity. Starch comprises the largest single component of energy in human diet, most of the energy in domestic animal feed, and has major industrial applications (adhesives, agrochemicals, cosmetics, detergents, viscosity modifiers in manufactured food.
The technique of rhythmic proportions, which Cage used to compose Sonatas and Interludes, has already been developed by him in a number of works, but in this collection he elevated it to a new level of complexity.[7] In the resulting pieces a short sequence of natural numbers and fractions defines the structure of the work as a whole and that of its parts, including the construction of melodic lines.
The classifications are intended primarily for use in measuring the potential damage and flooding a hurricane will cause upon landfall, although they have been criticized as being too simple.
It begins as a chronological autobiography with Suzuki recounting his childhood,..."—Ungrammatical noun + ing. "in which S. recounts his childhood"
Bacterial variation and culture richness
contributes not only to ecological processes but also to emerging diseases.
All of the buses recalled were located at the Ryde depot but hundreds of others are also based at Leichhardt, Waverly and Port Botany.
convey X.]
2. "Place commas in a sentence so as to convey X."
[This implies that, in determining the placement of commas that you are already inclined to use, adapt your usage so that you convey X.
Alan says: (5:02:25 PM)
]
Alan says: (5:03:05 PM)
Contrast:
Place commas in a sentence so as to convey the natural rhythms and divisions in spoken English,...
and
tony says: (5:03:08 PM)
oh, very good!
Alan says: (5:03:26 PM)
To convey the natural rhythms and divisions in spoken English, place commas in a sentence...
A protest group was formed to resist the proposed construction, which attracted support from botanist and environmental campaigner David Bellamy.
A protest group was formed to resist the proposed construction, and attracted support from botanist and environmental campaigner David Bellamy.
Scout Moor is an upland moor of peat bog and heather in the region which reaches a maximum elevation of 1,552 feet (473 m) at its peak, Top of Leach.
Scout Moor is an upland moor of peat bog and heather in the region, reaching a maximum elevation of 1,552 feet (473 m) at its peak, Top of Leach.
the UK Government has set a target of 10% of the UK's electricity to be produced by renewable energy by 2010
the [[UK Government]] has set a target of 10% for the proportion of the UK's electricity produced by [[renewable energy]] by 2010
The first successful ascent was made in 1936 by W. Cunet, and Albert Grasser, partly by ski.
The first ascent was in 1936 by W. Cunet and Albert Grasser, partly on skis.
"a mountain range that runs along the western coast of South America". Spot the two redundant words.
" Inhabitants of the towns around the volcano refer to it as "the Sleeping Lion", as it had been dormant for nearly 150 years before the Armero lahar." Can you avoid the repetition "as ... as"? Since "the Armero lahar" is the SL, this is awkward. And "it", I guess, is the volcano. Not a good sentence.
"The mountain was created by subduction of the oceanic Nazca Plate beneath the continental South American Plate." "The" is missing.
"It is the northernmost volcano of the Andean Volcanic Belt and lies about 80 miles (129 km) west of Bogotá." Two separate facts, or should we signal close causality to the reader? ("... Belt, lying about ...").
Australia only accepted white immigrants until the seventies.
The stratovolcano lies within the Pacific Ring of Fire, an area of the earth's crust where the land is unusually unstable, resulting in a large amount of tectonic and volcanic activity." So does the Ring of Fire or the instability result in this activity?
The libretto has survived in numerous forms—two printed versions, seven manuscript versions or fragments, and an anonymous [[scenario]], or summary, related to the original production.
From 1956 through 1962, the Soviet Union attempted to implement wage reforms. The reforms took place during the Khrushchev era and were intended to move Soviet industrial workers away from overfulfillment of quotas, a mindset that had characterised the Soviet economy during the Stalinist period.
Whoever last edited this would have had a feeling it's unsatisfactory, but not known why. The problem lies in the placement of "The reforms took place during the Khrushchev era" in a sentence that otherwise explains the intention of the reforms, not the historical timing. Better, unless you can think of something better, might be:
"During the Khrushchev era, from 1956 through 1962, the Soviet Union attempted to implement wage reforms intended to move industrial workers away from the mindset of overfulfilling quotas, which had characterised the Soviet economy during the Stalinist period."
You might prefer a split, because the sentence is now rather long—either way would be OK: "... from the mindset of overfulfilling quotas; this mindset had characterised the Soviet economy during the Stalinist period."
English is such a pain when it comes to logical relations between clauses and phrases: "The field is occasionally referred to as nucleic acid nanotechnology, as structures incorporating other nucleic acids such as RNA and peptide nucleic acid (PNA) have also been constructed, although DNA is the dominant material used." What is the relationship to the last, "although" phrase to the foregoing part of the sentence? Clearly the main statement in this complex sentence isn't "The field is occasionally referred to as nucleic acid nanotechnology, although DNA is the dominant material used." At least I don't ''think'' it is. Split with semicolon or period?
"Chrissie Watkins, a 23-year-old woman, leaves an evening beach party on New England's Amity Island to go skinny dipping in the Atlantic Ocean, only to be dragged back and forth violently and then under the water."
{{editing exercise
|1=Problem text
|2=Judge Thomas Mellon, a retired common pleas judge from Allegheny County, purchased the Ligonier Valley Railroad at auction.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=What is the issue?
|2=Can we avoid the repeated word?
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Hint
|2=<font color=red>'''Judge'''</font> Thomas Mellon, a retired common pleas <font color=red>'''judge'''</font> from Allegheny County, purchased the Ligonier Valley Railroad at auction.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Solution
|2=Retired common pleas judge Thomas Mellon from Allegheny County purchased the Ligonier Valley Railroad at auction.
}}
{{editing exercise
|1=Explanations
|2=*Now we don't even need the commas; smooth flow.
*Always keep a look-out for repeated words that lie close together in the text—that is, unless they're ''necessary'' to pinpoint the same item for the reader (especially technical terms).
}}
--><noinclude>[[Category:User essays on style|Advanced editing exercises]]</noinclude>
| 