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One possible solution to avoiding criticism is to grow the culture in a marriage to include a well-held vulnerability. This means that those in the marriage should feel safe enough to express their opinions and frustrations without fear of rejection. Criticism does not allow partners to be vulnerable with each other, and their relationship can quickly deteriorate as a result. One may consider using more "I" statements and expressive language in order to overcome criticism. An example of an "I" statement is: "When I am feeling frustrated, I tend to become more irritable and begin to hyper-focus on your flaws to blame someone for my negative feelings". "I" statements allow a spouse to take responsibility for their feelings rather than blaming the other spouse for their perspective and emotional reactions. They build emotional intelligence, self-reflection, and help prevent cycles of criticism and defensiveness.<ref>{{cite web | url=https://www.gottman.com/blog/types-of-criticism-expressing-concern-or-complaint-without-harm/ | title=Types of Criticism: Expressing Concern or Complaint without Harm | date=3 March 2022 }}</ref>
More examples:
"All you do is sit and scroll on your phone. I feel that you don't care about me." --> "I feel disconnected when you are on your phone. I need us to make time for each other."
"You never help with anything." --> "I'm overwhelmed in this current environment. I need your help."
"It's always about what you want to do." --> "I feel voiceless when you don't ask my opinion. I need to have an input in this partnership."
Solution: Soft Start-Up: Talk about your feelings using "I" statements and express a positive need.
=== Horseman Two: defensiveness ===
[[Defensiveness]] is a reaction to pervasive criticism that often results in responding to criticism with more criticism, and sometimes contempt, and the second level of the Cascade Model.<ref name=":12" /><ref name=":3" /> Defensiveness is a protective behavior and is indicated by shifting [[blame]] and avoiding responsibility, often in an attempt to defend against the first two horsemen.<ref name=":3" /> Defensiveness stems from an internal response to protect one's pride and self-worth. The body may go into fight-or-flight mode to protect against a perceived threat in the defensive stage. Fowler and Dillow also characterize defensiveness as using counterattack behaviors such as [[Frustration|whining]], making negative assumptions about the other's feelings, and denials of responsibility.<ref name=":5" /> Gottman's and Levenson's research found defensiveness to be strongest among men.<ref name=":2" /><ref name=":12" />
Solution: Accept Responsibility: Accept your partner's perspective and offer an apology for any wrongdoing.
=== Horseman Three: Contempt ===
[[Contempt]] is the result of repetitive criticism and is driven by a lack of [[admiration]] and respect.<ref name=":12" /><ref name=":3" /><ref name=":5" /> It is the third level of the Cascade Model. Contempt is expressed verbally through mocking, name calling, sarcasm, and indignation, with an attempt to claim moral superiority over one's partner.<ref name=":3" /> It can also be indicated nonverbally, as with eye-rolling and scoffing''.''<ref name=":5" /> Gottman's and Levenson's research found contempt to be the strongest predictor of relational dissolution, and the strongest overall predictor for women.<ref name=":2" /><ref name=":12" />
Solution: Build a Culture of Appreciation: Remind yourself of your partner's positive qualities and find gratitude for positive actions.
=== Horseman Four: stonewalling ===
[[Stonewalling]] is the final phase of the model and is a reaction to the previous three behaviors. Stonewalling occurs when parties create mental and physical distance to avoid conflict by appearing busy, responding in grunts, and disengaging from the communication process.<ref name=":3" /><ref name=":5" /> It may be done with the intent of creating anxiety, leading to the stonewalled partner to beg for forgiveness. Gottman's and Levenson's research found it to be most common among men and a very challenging behavior to redirect once it becomes habitual.<ref name=":2" /><ref name=":12" />
Solution: Physiological Self-Soothing: Take a break and spend that time doing something soothing and distracting.
== Gottman's research in predicting divorce ==
* ''A Negative View on their marriage and their overall happiness together:'' Gottman found that those in the study who ended up divorcing or having low marital satisfaction thought about landmarks in their marriages as negative. The landmark moments that most people think of with fondness, such as their engagement, wedding, reception, birth of a child, etc., were almost all met with criticism from those in unhappy marriages. These people had trained their brain<ref>{{Cite web|title=Marriage and Couples - Research|url=https://www.gottman.com/about/research/couples/|access-date=2020-12-09|website=The Gottman Institute|language=en-US}}</ref> that their partner had never met their needs and there had never been happiness in their relationship.
* ''Belligerence'': Bad couples will sometimes try to provoke the other party with statements like "You think you're tough? Then do it!"<ref name="The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work">{{cite book |last1=PhD |first1=John Gottman |last2=Silver |first2=Nan |title=The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert |date=5 May 2015 |___location=New York |isbn=9780553447712}}</ref>
* ''Gridlock'': ongoing disagreements that don't get resolved. Some signs of gridlock include:
** the conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner
** you keep talking about the issue but make no headway
** you both feel entrenched in your positions and are unwilling to budge
** when discussing the subject, you end up feeling more frustrated and hurt
** your conversations about the problem are devoid of humor, amusement, or affection
** you have disengaged emotionally from one another
== Methodology and regulated vs. non-regulated couples ==
==== Validators ====
This couple mixes moderate amounts of positive and negative [[Affect (psychology)|affect]].<ref name=":7" /> Each partner puts emphasis on supporting and understanding their partner's point of view, preferring to find a compromise. This model is the preferred model of marital counselors and is a more intimate approach focused on shared experiences; however, romance may disappear over time.<ref name=":7" /> These couples engage in reduced persuasion attempts and do not attempt to persuade until a third of the conflict has elapsed.<ref name=":7" />
Example conversation:
A: I'd really like to consider getting a dog.
B: I've been so sad since we lost our cat. I'm ready to welcome another pet into our home.
A: It's been really hard for you. Let's see what pets are at the local shelter. Maybe we'll end up with a guinea pig!
==== Volatiles ====
This couple type mixes high amounts of positive and negative [[Affect (psychology)|affect]].<ref name=":7" /> These marriages tend to be quite "romantic and passionate, but [have] the risk of dissolving into endless bickering."<ref name=":7" /> These couples engage in high levels of persuasion from the beginning of a conflict.<ref name=":7" />
Example conversation:
A: Dogs are way more fun! They play fetch!
B: But cats are hilarious! You love cat memes!
A: Litter boxes though!
B: True, you know neither of us would clean that!
==== Avoiders ====
This couple type mixes small amounts of positive and negative [[Affect (psychology)|affect]].<ref name=":7" /> This type of marriage avoids the pain associated with conflict, but risks loneliness and emotional distance.<ref name=":7" /> These couples make very few, if any, attempts to persuade each other.<ref name=":7" />
Example conversation:
A: Well, I grew up with dogs, so I think I am more used to them.
B: Yeah, I guess I was thinking cats are lower maintenance.
A: I am just glad we are both animal lovers!
=== Volatile couple typologies ===
==== Hostile ====
Hostile marriages often see the husband influence both positively and negatively, but the wife only influences by being positive.<ref name=":7" /> In general, "the wife is likely to seem quite aloof and detached to the husband, whereas he is likely to seem quite negative and excessively conflictual to her."<ref name=":7" /> There are high levels of defensiveness on the parts of both partners. During conflicts, each partner reiterates their own perspective.
==== Hostile-detached ====
These relationships tend to display a significantly higher rate of contempt and defensiveness.<ref name=":7" /> Hostile-detached marriages see the husband influence both positively and negatively, but the wife only influences by being negative.<ref name=":7" /> In these cases, "the husband is likely to seem quite aloof and detached to the wife, whereas she is likely to seem quite negative and excessively conflictual to him."<ref name=":7" /> Both partners engage in a mutually frustrating and lonely standoff with no clear victor, only a stalemate.
=== Mismatch theory ===
Flooding occurs when strong negative emotions are present within exchanges between individuals. It causes individuals to feel overwhelmed and can lead to destructive communication such as name calling and criticism. Oftentimes, individuals express that their partner's negative emotions come out of nowhere and therefore they will do what they feel is necessary to retreat from the negativity.
Individuals may begin to adopt behaviors that discourage effective communication such as becoming defensive and generating negative qualities for their partner's behavior. Symptoms may include adrenaline pumping, an inability to focus on the issue, non-responsiveness to your partner's questions or commentary, tunnel-vision/hearing, rapid and shallow breathing, either/or thinking, tense and tight muscles, a dry mouth, and feeling hot, shaky, sweaty, flushed. Further, marital satisfaction has been shown to decrease over time as couples are more aroused during conflict. This in turn causes a destructive loop of higher frequencies of flooding as well as an increase in self-isolation and destructive communication patterns.
To combat flooding, couples could try to take breaks during conflict and reconvene at an agreed time. It is recommended that couples take breaks that are at least 20 minutes long but not more than 24 hours. It is important to give oneself at least 20 minutes to calm down, as the major sympathetic neurotransmitter norepinephrine can take 20 minutes or more to be diffused through the bloodstream. Doing this has proved to reduce heart rates, which in turn, reduces negative behaviors. Another way to reduce flooding is to resolve conflicts through text-based or voice communication instead of face to face. It also helps to mentally store a picture of your partner at their best in order to reintegrate a more balanced view of your partner. This may allow individuals to regulate their emotions with more control.<ref>{{Cite journal|last=Kashian|first=Nicole|date=2019-11-24|title=The Influence of Channel, Flooding, and Repair on Effective Couple Conflict Communication|url=https://ijoc.org/index.php/ijoc/article/view/12445|journal=International Journal of Communication|language=en|volume=13|pages=20|issn=1932-8036}}</ref>
Here is a flooding questionnaire for couples:
* What typically happens just before you start to feel flooded?
* Are there particular words, actions, or topics that seem to "trigger" you to flood?
* What would allow you to stay in an intense conversation without flooding?
* How are upsetting topics introduce into conversations?
* Does either of you bring up these subjects in a harsh way?
* Are there ways that either of you could introduce these subjects so that you might stay calmer?
* Do either of you tend to "store up" problems and try to deal with them all at once?
* Can you do a better job of handling your problems one at a time?
* What can you do to soothe yourself when you feel irritable, scared, or angry?
* What can you do to soothe each other?
* What signals can you develop for when either of you feels flooded?
* Do you take breaks during conflict?
* What can you do during these breaks to calm down?
* How do you make sure that you get back to the problem later on?
* How can you conclude a discussion of a currently unresolved issue with a sense of reaching a temporary solution? What would this take from you and your partner?
=== Gottman method couples therapy ===
Research into Gottman method couples therapy has been of poor quality and is insufficient to consider the therapy as evidence-based, despite its popularity.<ref name=pseudo>{{cite book |title=Pseudoscience in Therapy: A Skeptical Field Guide |veditors=Hupp S, Santa Maria CL |chapter=Chapter 20: Couples Discord |vauthors=Alexander EF, Johnson MD |pages=332–333 |year=2023 |publisher=Cambridge University Press |isbn=9781009000611 |doi=10.1017/9781009000611.021 }}</ref>
Some practices to maintain a thriving relationship include building a culture of appreciation and respect, discussing expectations to avoid misunderstanding, developing Rituals of Connection, attuning to your partner, establishing a regular Stress-Reducing Conversation, and accepting and giving forgiveness.
Attuning can be interpreted as an acronym that stands for
* '''A'''wareness of your partner's emotions
* '''T'''urning towards the emotion
* '''T'''olerance of two different viewpoints
* Trying to '''U'''nderstand your partner
* '''N'''on-defensive responses to your partner
* Responding with '''E'''mpathy
Gottman also wrote a book called ''The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work''. These are the seven principles:
# Enhance your love maps
## You know your partner's inner world, from life dreams to favorite movies, as a best friend would.
# Nurture your fondness and admiration
# Turn toward each other instead of away
## State your needs, be aware of bids for connection, and turn towards them.
# Let your partner influence you
## Don't make important life decisions autonomously.
# Solve your solvable problems
## All couples have solvable and perpetual problems, but long-term couples solve those they can and understand there will always be perpetual problems.
# Overcome Gridlock
## What often underlies perpetual problems are unfulfilled dreams. Talk about those dreams with the goal of making peace with the problem.
# Create shared meaning
## Develop the big and small rituals that help build the bond with your partner. Rituals change from hosting an annual party to having coffee together in the morning.
== Criticisms ==
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