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Rusty5231B (talk | contribs) |
m I expanded upon what "I" statements mean, added an example, and added to the meaning of defensiveness.<ref></ref> https://www.gottman.com/blog/types-of-criticism-expressing-concern-or-complaint-without-harm/ |
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[[Criticism]] is the first indication of the Cascade Model and is an attack on the partner's character.<ref name=":12" /><ref name=":3">{{Cite web|url=https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/|title=The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling|date=2013-04-24|website=The Gottman Institute|language=en-US|access-date=2019-02-07}}</ref> Criticism is defined by Gottman as a type of complaint that blames or attacks a partner's personality or character.<ref name=":5" /> Critical comments often materialize in chained comments and are communicated through broad, absolute statements like ‘‘you never’’ or ‘‘you always.’’<ref name=":5" /> Research indicates that non-regulated couples, or couples whose interaction trended more negative, engaged more frequently in criticism and were more likely to begin the Cascade of Dissolution.<ref name=":2" /> Gottman and Levenson's research found the wife's criticism correlated to separation and possible dissolution, but this was not so with husbands.<ref name=":12" />
One possible solution to avoiding criticism is to grow the culture in a marriage to include a well-held vulnerability. This means that those in the marriage should feel safe enough to express their opinions and frustrations without the fear of rejection. Criticism does not allow partners to be vulnerable with one another, and their relationship can quickly deteriorate as a result. One may consider using more “I” statements and expressive language in order to overcome criticism. An example of an "I" statement may be: "When I am feeling frustrated, I tend to become more irritable and begin to hyper-focus on your flaws to blame someone for my negative feelings" using an "I" statement allows a spouse to take responsibility for their own feelings rather than blaming the other spouse for their perspective and emotional reactions. It builds emotional intelligence, self-reflection, and helps them to avoid cycles of criticism and defensiveness.
=== Horseman Two: Defensiveness ===
[[Defensiveness]] is a reaction to pervasive criticism which often results in responding to criticism with more criticism, and sometimes contempt, and the second level of the Cascade Model.<ref name=":12" /><ref name=":3" /> Defensiveness is a protective behavior and is indicated by shifting [[blame]] and avoiding responsibility, often in an attempt to defend against the first two horsemen.<ref name=":3" /> Defensiveness stems from an internal response to protect one’s pride and self-worth. The body may go into fight or flight mode to protect against a perceived threat in the defensive stage. Fowler and Dillow also characterize defensiveness as utilizing negative counter-attack behaviors such as [[Frustration|whining]], making negative assumptions about the other's feelings, and denials of responsibility.<ref name=":5" /> Gottman and Levenson's research found defensiveness to be strongest amongst men.<ref name=":2" /><ref name=":12" />
=== Horseman Three: Contempt ===
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