List of Two and a Half Men episodes

This article contains episode summaries for the CBS sitcom Two and a Half Men. Template:Spoiler

Season 1: 2003-2004

Title	Original Airdate	Prod Code	Episode #
"Pilot"	September 22, 2003	101	1
Charlie's life is turned upside down by his brother and nephew moving in with him.
"Big Flappy Bastards"	September 29, 2003	102	2
Charlie begins to learn how to parent Jake while Alan attempts to get Judith back.
"Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell"	October 6, 2003	103	3
Alan fears he is losing his son and goes drinking with Charlie.
"If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song I'm Going to Take a Nap"	October 13, 2003	104	4
Alan has trouble with Berta and Charlie needs to get Jake and Rose to follow his suggestions.
"The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up With a Hump"	October 20, 2003	105	5
After spending a night in Las Vegas, Charlie decides to live up to his promise that he made to Jake about attending his soccer game. During the game, Charlie sets up a play-date with an unattached mother named Kate, and they hit it off. During one of their dates, Charlie seems like he's ready for a serious relation. Alan sets up a meeting with Gloria (one of the soccer moms) to write a soccer newsletter, but Gloria has other intentions for the evening, and he has no idea. During the evening another soccer mom, Brooke, tries to move in on Gloria's plans.
"Did You Check With the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?"	October 27, 2003	106	6
Charlie and Evelyn are dating members of the same family.
"If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake"	November 3, 2003	107	7
Judith gets worried when Jake draws the tattooed buttocks of a female surfer friend of Charlie's who walks around his place half naked. Alan feels concern for Judith when she befriends the surfer girl.
"Twenty-Five Little Pre-pubers Without a Snoot-ful"	November 10, 2003	108	8
Alan tricks Charlie into joining him and Judith in leading Jake and his classmates in the school's annual music show.
"Phase One, Complete"	November 17, 2003	109	9
Charlie wants to dump a female friend that Jake has grown close to. Alan and Rose bond over a game of scrabble.
"Merry Thanksgiving"	November 24, 2003	110	10
In an attempt to prove that he is a family man, Charlie invites Lisa over for Thanksgiving dinner
"Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor"	December 15, 2003	111	11
While at the movies, the brothers bump into Judith and her new boyfriend. Seeing that Judith has changed her look, and the fact that Jake doesn't think Alan is as cool as Judith; prompts Alan to realize that if he wants to get back into the dating scene, he's going to have to change his look as well.
"Camel Filters + Pheromones"	January 5, 2004	112	12
When Berta is forced to bring her granddaughter Prudence to work with her, the boys find themselves a little preoccupied with her.
"Sara Like Puny Alan"	January 12, 2004	113	13
Charlie finally gets a chance for a double date with a hot neighbor, who is out for revenge on her cheating husband, and her sister who's a hot soap opera actress, and needs Alan to come along. The problem is that Alan gets sick from Jake, so Charlie takes them to a steam room to help Alan get rid of his flu symptoms. This backfires, as Charlie also gets sick, but he has no intentions of canceling the date.
"I Can't Afford Hyenas"	February 2, 2004	114	14
Stan, Charlie's accountant, tries to explain Charlie's financial woes to him.
"Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick (1)"	February 9, 2004	115	15
Against Alan's judgment, Charlie falls for a seemingly crazy woman named Frankie.
"That Was Saliva, Alan (2)"	February 16, 2004	116	16
Frankie tells Charlie and Alan why she and her daughter are on the run; Frankie's daughter has a crush on Jake.
"Ate The Hamburgers, Wearing The Hats"	February 23, 2004	117	17
Alan offends Charlie by choosing harebrained cousins as Jake's guardians in the event of his death.
"An Old Flame With a New Wick"	March 1, 2004	118	18
Charlie is stunned to learn his ex-girlfriend is now a man.
"I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You"	March 22, 2004	119	19
Judith's sister, Liz, hits on Alan at Jake's birthday party; Evelyn prefers alcohol to cake.
"Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark"	April 19, 2004	120	20
Judith believes that Jake is having a hard time dealing with his parent's divorce, after he starts annoying everyone with his non-stop guitar playing. So she suggests that they send Jake to a therapist. Alan doesn't agree at first, but after thinking about it, he believes it might not be such a bad idea.
"No Sniffing, No Wowing"	May 3, 2004	121	21
Charlie jeopardizes Alan's divorce settlement by sleeping with his attorney, Laura.
"My Doctor has a Cow Puppet"	May 10, 2004	122	22
Charlie attempts to cure Alan of his recent bout of sleepwalking; Jake sees his therapist.
"Just Like Buffalo"	May 17, 2004	123	23
Charlie tries to sweet talk Judith's divorcee support-group into letting Jake continue to spend weekends at his place.
"Can You Feel My Finger?"	May 24, 2004	124	24
A pregnancy scare has Charlie heading to the doctor for a vasectomy.

Season 2: 2004-2005

Title	Original Airdate	Prod Code	Episode #
"Back Off Mary Poppins"	September 20, 2004	201	25
Alan learns that Charlie belongs to an exclusive men's group, and he begs his brother to let him join.
"Enjoy Those Garlic Balls"	September 27, 2004	202	26
Judith is dating Jake's pediatrician, and Alan is upset until Charlie points out that if she remarries, his alimony payments will end.
"A Bag Full of Jawea"	October 4, 2004	203	27
Charlie tries to save Jake from school suspension for giving his teacher (Missi Pyle) the finger by romancing her, but his attempts fail every time.
"Go Get Mommy's Bra"	October 11, 2004	204	28
Jake is very impressed and can't stop talking about his mother's new boyfriend, Dr. Melnick, which annoys Alan. Evelyn borrows Charlie's car to help her impress a Saudi prince, she is trying to sell a house to, but when Charlie gets his car back, he discovers his mother's bra in the backseat.
"Bad News from the Clinic"	October 18, 2004	205	29
Charlie meets his match when he falls for a woman who's better at playing hard to get than he is.
"The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance"	October 25, 2004	206	30
Alan denies having shoplifted a toy as a child and fears he has a dark side, until Charlie admits he planted the toy on Alan to stay out of trouble himself.
"A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana"	November 8, 2004	207	31
Charlie and Alan hire Berta's sister to cater a party their mother has conned them into throwing for her.
"Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers"	November 15, 2004	208	32
Alan meets a woman named Nancy at a grocery store, who fulfills every single one of his desires, forcing Charlie to take care of Jake. After knowing Nancy for a few days Alan decides to ask her to marry him, prompting Charlie to try and talk him out of it, and he even gets help from the brothers' mother.
"Yes, Monsignor"	November 22, 2004	209	33
When Charlie leaves the house to avoid a date that he can't stand, he ends up at a coffee shop, where he meets his old girlfriend Lisa. He finds out that she broke up with her husband, and now has a child. Now he must try to convince Lisa that he's okay with her having a child. While Jake tries to justify to his father why he isn't doing so well in school.
"The Salmon Under My Sweater"	November 29, 2004	210	34
Charlie tries to get Jake's approval on a theme song that he is hired to write for a television show, which is based on a comic book that Jake is a fan. While Alan finds out more about Rose(including how smart she is), when he spends more time with her.
"Last Chance to See Those Tattoos"	December 13, 2004	211	35
After getting unusually turned down at a bar, Charlie learns that a website has been made dedicated to exposing his lifestyle. Charlie sets out to find who created the site, making amends to all those he stood up, but it's harder than it looks when all the women take the apology better than expected.
"A Lungful of Alan"	January 3, 2005	212	36
Alan is jealous of Charlie when an old classmate, who's now a beautiful woman, seems to be more interested in Charlie.
"Zejdz z Moich Wlosów a.k.a. Get Off My Hair"	January 14, 2005	213	37
After an earthquake hits, Judith's house is damage and she needs a place to stay. So Alan decides to invite her to stay with him and Charlie, without getting Charlie's permission. Charlie isn't happy with this, but accepts it. Alan becomes jealous when Judith goes on a date, and asks Charlie to find him a date, so that he can show Judith that he dates as well.
"Those Big Pink Things with Coconut"	January 31, 2005	214	38
The brothers throw out their mother, after she insults the way Alan is raising Jake. When Alan and Charlie ignore her phone calls, to get their attention she ends up in the hospital. When Alan and Charlie show up at the hospital they aren't sure if she's faking, and try to call her bluff.
"Smell the Umbrella Stand"	February 7, 2005	215	39
Alan starts to worry about a medical procedure that he is facing, and to get his mind off it Charlie suggests they go to Las Vegas.
"Can You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth?"	February 14, 2005	216	40
When Judith decides to take a vacation, the brothers have to take care of Jake during the week. Alan finds it challenging, and even forgets to pick up Jake from soccer practice. When Alan finds out that he has to go to the I.R.S. because their auditing him, he forces Charlie to take care of Jake, and Charlie doesn't do any better than Alan.
"Woo-Hoo, A Hernia-Exam!"	February 21, 2005	217	41
After Charlie has back pain, Alan decides to take him to the Hospital after refusing alan's help. While there Charlie can't stop hitting on the doctor who is examining him. The only problem is that he has a history with her that he can't remember. Berta is feed up with Jake's inability to use the bathroom properly, so she decides to make him clean it until he learns.
"It Was Mame, Mom"	March 7, 2005	218	42
Charlie is invited to a party hosted by a gay ad-executive named Eric, so Charlie asks Alan to pretend that he's his life partner. While at the party, Charlie meets Eric's ex-wife Pamela, and tries to sleep with her without Eric finding out.
"A Low, Gutteral Tongue-Flapping Noise"	March 21, 2005	219	43
After Charlie takes Alan to an eye doctor, they end up at cafe where they bump into Charlie's ex-girlfriend, Sherri. While there Alan shows an interest in Sherri, and decides to ask her out. The problem is that Alan can't get over Sherri's relationship with Charlie.
"I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey"	April 18, 2005	220	44
Rose tries to help the brothers sort out their feelings, when Charlie and Alan take their personal frustrations out on each other.
"A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On"	May 2, 2005	221	45
Evelyn reads in the obituaries that her second husband, Harry has died. They all attend the funeral, including Jake who is excited at the opportunity of seeing a "dead guy". Charlie is excited by the opportunity of a newly single widow, and Alan is just happy to pay his respects to Harry.
"That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother"	May 9, 2005	222	46
Evelyn buys Alan a new Sports car causing Charlie to claim that his brother has sold his soul to the Devil. The next day, Evelyn extracts payment by insisting that Alan go on a blind, double date with her, her new beau and his daughter. At the restaurant, Alan learns that his mother and boyfriend will not be able to join them because there was a mixup between his heart medication and Viagra and she didn't want to "waste it". As a result, Alan is left to deal with the daughter, who is on a weekend pass from a rehab center and still has some loose screws. Alan eventually gets her back to the beach house only to have her drive off in his new sports car and become the object of a televised high-speed car chase.
"Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab"	May 16, 2005	223	47
When Evelyn learns that Jake spent his entire spring break with his grandparents, she pressures Alen into letting Jake stay with her for the night. Conserned that Evelyn will destroy Jake the way she destroyed their lives, Alan and Charlie grudgingly drop a resentful Jake off at her home and quickly flee to Charlie's favourite bar. There, amidst a group of sexy women, Alan easily gets his mind off of his son's miserable circumstance.
"Does This Smell Funny to You?"	May 23, 2005	224	48
Charlie unknowingly sleeps with an older man's trophy wife while Jake has to read a paper to his class.

Season 3: 2005-2006

Title	Original Airdate	Prod Code	Episode #
"Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts"	September 19, 2005	301	49
After falling off the roof, Alan needs someone to watch Jake and Charlie offers, until, it interferes with his social life.
"Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover"	September 26, 2005	302	50
Jake gets suspended from school after drawing an offensive picture of a girl in his class that has large breasts. Meanwhile, Charlie is asked to watch over Alan's chiropractic office after pulling an all-nighter.
"Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark"	October 3, 2005	303	51
Charlie, finds out that Alan and Judith have begun to date again.
"Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs"	October 10, 2005	304	52
Berta causes tension between Charlie and Alan, when she temporarily moves in with them.
"We Called It Mr. Pinky"	October 17, 2005	305	53
Charlie learns he can't be in a long-lasting relationship because of unresolved issues he has with his mother. Jake asks Charlie for advice about a girl at school.
"Hi, Mr. Horned One"	October 24, 2005	306	54
Ignoring Alan's warnings, Charlie continues to date Isabella until she threatens to put a curse on his manhood.
"Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop"	November 7, 2005	307	55
Charlie wakes up with Rose the morning after her birthday party. Her irate father Martin Sheen, comes to ask Charlie about what the future holds for him and Rose, but the unexpected happens when Evelyn shows up.
"That Voodoo That I Do Do"	November 14, 2005	308	56
Charlie tricks Jake into taking ballet lessons, so he can get close to the teacher.
"Madame and Her Special Friend"	November 21, 2005	309	57
One of Charlie's elderly neighbors tries to seduce Alan, while Charlie tries to stop Jake from giving money to a televangelist.
"Something Salted and Twisted"	November 28, 2005	310	58
Charlie helps Alan with his obsession of always having to get approval from the women in his life.
"Santa's Village of the Damned"	December 19, 2005	311	59
Alan starts dating a woman with a Martha Stewart complex. Before long she's running the house with an obsession for perfection.
"That Special Tug"	January 9, 2006	312	60
Charlie sees a therapist to learn how to deal with Alan's emotional insecurities.
"Humiliation is a Visual Medium"	January 23, 2006	313	61
Charlie finds himself in a relationship that is not based on sex.
"Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded"	February 6, 2006	314	62
Charlie arranges a romantic date with Mia in the hopes of consummating their relationship. Alan begins to date Charlie's most recent ex-girlfriend.
"My Tongue is Meat"	February 27, 2006	315	63
Charlie has trouble keeping up with Mia's healthy lifestyle, so he begins to sneak beers, cigars, and burgers behind her back. When Mia finds out what he was doing, Charlie has to decide if he is truly in love with her or just whipped.
"Ergo, The Booty Call"	March 6, 2006	316	64
Alan has trouble deciding if he should bring his younger girlfriend to Jake's birthday party to meet his mom and his ex-wife. Rose tries to get her boyfriend to act more like Charlie.
"The Unfortunate Little Schnauser"	March 13, 2006	317	65
Charlie is nominated for an advertising award, but he decides to boycott it because his arch nemesis always wins. The rest of his family tries to trick him into going. Rose is having relationship problems with Gordon and seeks help from Charlie.
"The Spit-Covered Cobbler"	March 20, 2006	318	66
Alan starts to have financial problems when he starts paying for his girlfriend's bills, so Charlie tries to get him to break up with her. Meanwhile, Judith is after Alan because he is late in paying his alimony check.
"Golly Moses, She's A Muffin"	April 10, 2006	319	67
Charlie is surprised to find out that Kandi has been living with them for the last three weeks. Alan is having a tough time helping Kandi earn a living. Charlie has lost his sense because of the dry-spell he is going through.
"Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro"	April 24, 2006	320	68
Alan tries to win Kandi back. Meanwhile, Charlie starts to sleep with her mom, Mandi, and Judith gets set up with her father, Andy.
"And the Plot Moistens"	May 1, 2006	321	69
Jake’s teacher has a meeting with Alan and Judith to discuss the lack of interest Jake has at school. Alan starts to fall for Francine, in a platonic way, because he is tired of the lack of intelligent communication he has with Kandi. Charlie helps Jake audition for his school musical.
"Just Once With Aunt Sophie"	May 8, 2006	322	70
A girl from Jake’s school invites him to his first boy-girl party. Charlie and Alan help him get ready for it by giving him advice. Alan and Charlie get nostalgic and remember their first boy-girl party.
"Arguments for the Quickie"	May 15, 2006	323	71
Mia comes back to town with her dance troupe and invites Charlie to her performance. At first, he decides not to go and tries to convince Alan that he no longer has feelings for her. He goes to the see the performance and Mia explains that she wants some of Charlie’s sperm. Charlie responds by asking Mia for something.
"That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite"	May 22, 2006	324	72
Charlie and Mia start making their wedding arrangements. Things begin to fall apart when their two families meet each other. They eventually decide on a small ceremony in Las Vegas.

Season 4: 2006-2007

Title	Original Airdate	Prod Code	Episode #
"Working for Caligula"	September 18, 2006	401	73
Charlie returns to his bachelor lifestyle after Alan moves out of the house. Alan suffers a break down after his divorce from Kandi.
"Who's Vod Kanockers"	September 25, 2006	402	74
Charlie finally tells Alan the truth about why he did not marry Mia. Charlie and Alan deal with a noisy neighbour.
"The Sea is a Harsh Mistress"	October 2, 2006	403	75
Charlie tries to surf to impress Dottie, a beautiful woman he just met, but after he nearly drowns he is convinced that he saw his late father.
"A Pot Smoking Monkey"	October 9, 2006	404	76
Alan tries to hire his ex-wife's lawyer to help him win custody over the dog he and Kandi shared.
"A Live Woman of Proven Fertility"	October 16, 2006	405	77
Alan is overjoyed by the prospect of Judith remarrying, as he would no longer have to pay alimony. Alan gets Charlie to help him when it looks like the marriage maybe derailed due to Jake’s dislike of his mother’s fiancé.
"Apologies for the Frivolity"	October 23, 2006	406	78
Charlie is dating a woman whose personality and life are like his mother’s.
"Repeated Blows to his Unformed Head"	November 6, 2006	407	79
Berta's daughter, Naomi is pregnant and Berta drags Charlie with her when she confronts the baby’s father. Alan reveals a secret fetish.
"Release the Dogs"	November 13, 2006	408	80
Alan suffers from insomnia. He visits his psychiatrist Jane Lynch, who reveals that the cause of Alan's sleepless nights is his jealousy towards Charlie, and his inability to glide through life.
"Corey's Been Dead For an Hour"	November 20, 2006	409	81
Charlie gets tired of Alan's mooching and reaches the breaking point during the brothers' double date. Jake is left home alone for the first time.
"Kissing Abraham Lincoln"	November 27, 2006	410	82
Worrying Charlie may get rid of one of them, Berta and Lydia fight over him. Meanwhile, Kandi does everything she can to stop Alan from selling their condo.
"Walnuts and Demerol"	December 11, 2006	411	83
Charlie's friends and family put a crimp in his plan for a romantic Christmas Eve date. When Evelyn sees who the date is, she goes to great lengths to force a wedge between them.
"Castrating Sheep in Montana "	January 8, 2007	412	84
Alan becomes involved with Berta's daughter Naomi, who has a newborn daughter of her own. This causes Evelyn to tell Alan during dinner with both families that she disowns him, until Naomi's boyfriend suddenly arrives, forcing Alan and Naomi to break it off.
"Don't Worry, Speed Racer"	January 22, 2007	413	85
Charlie's mother, Evelyn, puts his house on the market without asking him, showing it to a wealthy, elderly Japanese man named Hiroshi. Charlie later catches Evelyn and Hiroshi naked in her living room together behind the couch.
"That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami "	February 5, 2007	414	86
Charlie sets Alan up with their new neighbour. But he gets jealous when the two form a bond.
"My Damn Stalker "	February 12, 2007	415	87
Rose is moving to London, and Charlie is surprised by his reaction to the news. Alan lies to a woman he met online.
"Young People Have Phlegm Too "	February 19, 2007	416	88
Charlie's young, hot girlfriend takes him to a new club. She invites Alan to meet one of her friends but the men are shocked to learn that they are considered as being "old".

References

Sources for the episode listings

• Episode listings for Two And A Half Men - at epguides.com
• Episode listings for Two And A Half Men - at TV.com

See also

• Two And A Half Men

External links

• Official Website