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Colemanballs

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Colemanballs is a term used to describe a variety of types of gaffes perpetrated by media commentators.

Background

The name was coined by Private Eye magazine and is derived from that of the now retired BBC sports commentator, David Coleman. An example of the great man's work in this field is the classic "And here's Moses Kiptanui—the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago." He also once remarked "Don't tell those coming in the result of that fantastic match, but let's have another look at Italy's winning goal..."

However, the most notorious example, sometimes attributed to Coleman, was actually committed by another BBC commentator, Ron Pickering: "Juantorena opens his legs and shows his class".

Another regular contributor to the section, up until his retirement from racing commentary, was Murray Walker, who would frequently misidentify drivers and mangle metaphors (e.g. "We've had cars going off left, right and centre", "do my eyes deceive me, or is Senna's Lotus sounding rough?", and "with half of the race gone, there is half of the race still to go")

The column also includes quotations from sportsmen themselves (e.g. "That's cricket, Harry, you get these sort of things in boxing." —Frank Bruno), politicians ("When your back's against the wall it's time to turn round and fight" —John Major), newsreaders and celebrities.

Notable Colemanballs

Sex slips

  • "Ardiles strokes the ball like it was a part of his anatomy". (Jimmy Magee, RTÉ)
  • "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing". (Pat Glenn, Weightlifting Commentator)
  • "I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area for goalies is between their legs..." (Andy Gray, Sky Sports)

Contradictions

  • "What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio." (Gerry Francis)
  • "And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley......unless somebody knocks us out." (Dave Bassett)
  • "I was in Saint-Etienne two years ago. It's much the same as it is now, although now it's completely different." (Kevin Keegan, BBC)
  • "I imagine that the conditions in those cars are totally unimaginable."(Murray Walker, BBC and ITV)
  • "Mansell is gazing at him through his microphone."(Murray Walker, BBC and ITV)
  • "The lad got over-excited when he saw the whites of the goalpost's eyes." (Steve Coppell, BBC Radio Five Live)
  • "For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip." (John Motson, BBC)

Hyperbole

  • "Good evening. The game you are about to see is the most stupid, appalling, disgusting and disgraceful exhibition of football, possibly in the history of the game." (David Coleman, BBC, in 1962 World Cup.)
  • "Lord Nelson, Lord Beaverbrook, Sir Winston Churchill, Sir Anthony Eden, Clement Atlee, Henry Cooper, Lady Diana! Maggie Thatcher! Can you hear me Maggie Thatcher? Your boys took one hell of a beating. Your boys took one hell of a beating." (Norwegian commentator when his country's part-time team beat England in a match.)

Religion

  • "The Saudis would struggle in Europe because of that problem with those prayers five times a day.You don't know if they're going to turn up for training. I'm being serious." (Don Howe)

Freudian slips

  • "I'm sorry to report that there seems to be trouble in the far-right section of the ground..." Freudian slip. (Conor McNamara, BBC Five Live)
  • "We'll have more football in a minute, but first we have highlights of the Scottish League Cup final." (Gary Newbon)

When is a draw not a draw?

  • "His reign ended with that nil-all defeat by Switzerland at Lansdowne Road." (Colm Murray, RTÉ)
  • "Poland nil, England nil, though England are now looking the better value for their nil." (Barry Davies, BBC)
  • "With news of Scotland's 0-0 victory over Holland..." (Scottish Television)

Mixed Metaphors

  • "Many clubs have a question mark in the shape of an axe-head hanging over them." (Malcolm McDonald)
  • "Real Madrid are like a rabbit in the glare of the headlights in the face of Manchester United's attacks. But this rabbit comes with a suit of armour in the shape of two precious away goals." (George Hamilton, RTÉ)[1]

Stating the obvious

  • "It's a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" (David Coleman, BBC)

Tongue-tied

  • "Owen runs like rabbit chasing after what do rabbits run after? They run after nothing. Well, running after other rabbits." (Tom Tyrell)

Too soon

  • "and Bonner has gone 165 minutes of these championships without conceding a goal. Oh danger here..." (George Hamilton, RTE)
  • "Only one team could win this match from here, and that's England" (Kevin Keegan right before Romania scored the winning goal)

Books

A series of Colemanballs books has been published by Private Eye, featuring a selection of quotations from the column, split into different categories. As of 2004, 12 editions have been released.

In late 2001, a subsection of Colemanballs was introduced. Called "Warballs" it records bizarre references to "9/11" and the associated war on terror, often taken from specialist magazines citing the attacks as a spurious explanation for changes in fields as unconnected as model trains and fast-food. After recent natural disasters this section has been replaced by 'Tsunami-balls' and 'Hurricane-balls'; it was preceded by 'Diana-balls' (1997-1998) and 'Millennium-balls' (1999).

Footnotes

  1. ^ Hamilton's famed ability to say a match was "in the bag", only for the other side to then snatch victory, led one website to joke "By our calculations George is directly responsible for over 87% of the goals the Irish national team has conceded."

See also

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