Trains are commonly regarded as a strange combination of public transport, mobile torture device and lateness inductor. The ratio of public transport to torture varies as a function of the time of day. Around the beginning or end of the standard working day the ratio massively favours torture/lateness at the expense of transport. At other times of day the ratio balances out again.
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Operation of Trains
Trains must be operated by a trained professional called a Driver. A Driver usually receives his training by undergoing a four or more day course of instruction in a portacabin or on a form of train simulator, ending knowing that if a train fails, then to either hit it with a big hammer, swear at it, or reboot the system several times. Train Drivers also have a severe addiction to tea, smoking, coca-cola and swearing, and often have Belt-Overhang
Belt-Overhang
For anyone involved in the operation of railways to be at least remotely important, they must wear a hi-viz vest, have a decent amount of belt-overhang, as well as being able to stand around on a mobile phone for hours on end.
The more belt-overhang you have, the more important you proportionally are. Next time at your local station, then look at the staff - the higher rank they hold, then the more belt-overhang they will have.
In the case of Thomas the Wank Engine, the person with most belt-overhang is the Fat Controller, and he is in charge of the whole railway. Coincidence? Not likely!
Lateness Induction
Trains somehow manage to create lateness from nothing. Scientists are baffled by this, but work progresses to allow them to harness this phenomenon to create perpetual motion. It is believed that vikings may be involved in this process in some way. Indeed, the further East from the Norse regions you go, the less lateness likely to be created, hence the latest trains being in the United Kingdom, which is almost immediately West.
Interestingly, few instances of viking induced, train-created lateness have been reported in Ireland, due West of the United Kingdom, just south of the Fractious Republic. This may be due to the protective effects of permanent holidays and the famous liquor volcanoes of north-central Ireland.
This effect is attributed to the usual non-arrival of all Cityrail trains in Sydney.
Viking Attacks
Trains are freqently subjected to violent attacks by vikings. It is believed that these attacks are in some way created to aid the power of trains to create lateness. Further evidence for this hypothesis has recently come to light with the discovery of viking raids in the later parts of the middle ages. Again, lateness was created, sometimes decades worth, but in these instances the causal trains have not been identified. Other late era viking raids have been reported in the American West, late in the industrial age, with very large trains failing completely to arrive at their destinations, being found immobile, deep in the western deserts, with strange viking artifacts also present.
Sewage Dumping
Train toilets often dump what one leaves in the toilet on the tracks. This can turn messy when the train is on a bridge and people are under the bridge. Also, at high speeds, sewage can blow back up at the flusher and cover them in pee and poo. Warnings are placed next to toilets to advise not to flush in stations but the experienced prankster knows not to obey them as it is funny too look out the window at the passengers saying "ewww".
See Also
External links
- Amtrek Official Website
- The Miami Valley Rail Authority (archived at the waybackmachine.org)