User:Tony1/Advanced editing exercises

Man writing a letter (1662–65), oil on canvas, by Dutch painter Gabriel Metsu; National Gallery of Ireland, Dublin

Self-help writing tutorials:

• Exercises in weeding out fluff from article text
• Advanced editing exercises
• Spot the ambiguity
• Build your linking skills
• Using hyphens and dashes
• Copy-editing essentials, part of the Military History Academy

edit

Skilled editing is central to achieving high-quality Wikipedia articles. Each exercise below will present you with a portion of faulty text. It may contain problems of grammar, logic, cohesion, tone, lexical choice, punctuation or redundant wording. In some cases, there are breaches of Wikipedia's Manual of style.

Unlike our exercises in eliminating redundant wording, most of the exercises don't concentrate on a specific aspect of writing or editing; here, you need to be aware of all the things that can go wrong in constructing text. The challenge is not knowing in advance what has gone wrong. This is more like the real-life situation you face as an editor of Wikipedia articles.

"Unfolding" design. The exercises are designed to be done in your head, without writing. On purpose, each unfolds in stages: first, the problem text, then one or two hints, then a solution, and an explanation. You'll get the most out of the exercises by thinking carefully about each stage before clicking on the next one. Expect to stop when you've had enough, and plan to return to take up where you left off. We suggest you work through the exercises in a "distributed" (spaced out) way, not "massed" (all at once). Try clumps of five or six at time, then a good break. This is likely to have a more powerful effect on your learning (see Scientific American, March 2012, p. 12).

Variety of English. The page uses UK/Australian/Irish/New Zealand/South African spelling. Shouldn't be a problem. American readers just need to "translate" -ise → -ize, -our → -or, -lling → -ling, and the few other differences. Canadians, well, you're somewhere in the middle.

Feedback. We like to know how the exercises can be improved. Please leave feedback on the talk page.

Instructions. Click on [Show] to the right of each stage. Good luck!

Group 1

Teen pop idol

He was a teen pop idol from 1964–1979, and since then he has forged a career as an adult contemporary singer.

Hint 1
One typographical issue. One issue concerning the "since" wording.

Hint 2
"From" is spelled out; do we "say" to ourselves "to" when we read "1964–1979"? Which two words in the second clause are unnecessary?

Solution
He was a teen pop idol from 1964–1979 1964 to 1979, and since then he has since forged a career as an adult contemporary singer.

Explanation
"Then" is unnecessary if "since" is there. The second "he" can be removed through ellipsis—that is, it's at the very start and the reader will silently carry it over into the second clause if it's removed; oddly enough, this helps the cohesion of the text by forcing the reader to psychologically bind together the two clauses.

Canadian politics

The Liberal Party had governed the nation since 1935, and had won five consecutive elections.

Hint 1
What's the relationship between the two clauses (either side of the comma)? How are these statements connected logically?

Hint 2
Joining the two statements with "and" belies the causality: it's because they'd won five consecutive elections that they'd been in power so long. But don't use "because".

Solution
The Liberal Party had governed the nation since 1935, and had having won five consecutive elections.

Explanation
Now the causal logic is clear.

Welfare state

The Liberals were generally successful, with the nation prosperous and an increasing welfare state.

[In the article, this comes straight after the previous statement in Exercise 2.]

Hints
Is "were" still the right tense? Do you increase a welfare state?

Possible solution
The Liberals were generally had generally been successful: during their period in office, the nation had prospered and had built a stronger welfare state.

Explanation
The welfare state bit is only one way of clarifying it.

Committee grows tired of chairman

His father was a lawyer, a judge and, for 31 years, a Congressman who chaired the House Naval Affairs Committee during the Harding and Coolidge administrations.

Hint 1
So he chaired the Committee for 31 years? Two US presidential administrations couldn't possibly last for 31 years (16 is the theoretical maximum).

Hint 2
What a difference a comma would make.

Possible solution
His father was a lawyer, a judge, and for 31 years a Congressman, who chaired the House Naval Affairs Committee during the Harding and Coolidge administrations.

Explanation
The comma clarifies that he was a "Congressman" for 31 years, not the chair of the committee for 31 years.

South Korean army

The smaller South Korean army suffered from widespread lack of organisation and equipment, and it was unprepared for war.

[This could be improved in two ways.]

What are these two issues?
An article is required (a, an, or the). What does it refer back to?

Solution
The smaller South Korean army suffered from a widespread lack of organisation and equipment, and it was unprepared for war.

Explanation

Avoid telegram language: one rule of thumb is, "If there's an of to the right of a noun, use the (or a or an) to the left"; it usually works. Here the relevant noun is a compound: widespread lack. There should be no doubt what a back-reference refers to. It doesn't matter that a careful reading tells the reader that "it" refers to the compound noun "the smaller South Korean army"; there's another singular noun—also a compound noun ("widespread lack of organisation and equipment"). "The smaller South Korean army" is clearly the overall subject of the sentence, so make this subject work for both parts of the sentence. Again, it's achieved by not saying it twice, forcing the reader to silently insert it (ellipsis).

David Bellamy

A protest group was formed to resist the proposed construction, which attracted support from the botanist and environmental campaigner David Bellamy.

Hint 1
What's the relationship between the clauses (separated by the comma)? Which part of the first clause does the second clause refer back to?

Hint 2
So the proposed construction attracted support from Bellamy? The intended meaning is probably means something very different.

Solution
A protest group was formed to resist the proposed construction, which and attracted support from the botanist and environmental campaigner David Bellamy.

Explanation
Now it's clear that the protest group attracted Bellamy's support, not the construction.

That's enough thinking for now. Go have a rest, and come back tomorrow and do the next set.

Group 2

Market town

Navenby, which has Bronze Age, Roman and Medieval heritage, was made a market-town with charters from Edward the Confessor, William Rufus, and Richard II. However, the market fell into disuse in the early 19th century.

[There's one issue.]

What is the issue?
A problem of logical cohesion between the two sentences.

Where is the issue?
Navenby, which has Bronze Age, Roman and Medieval heritage, was made a market-town with charters from Edward the Confessor, William Rufus, and Richard II. However, the market fell into disuse in the early 19th century.

Solution
Navenby, which has Bronze Age, Roman and Medieval heritage, was made a market-town with charters from Edward the Confessor, William Rufus, and Richard II; however, despite this long heritage, the market fell into disuse in the early 19th century.

Explanation
However tells your reader that you're going to contradict or change the previous angle in some way; but just how this is the case is not sufficiently clear. We've guessed that the writer's point is ironic, and reinforced the close relationship with a semicolon rather than a period.

FA Cup final

Montgomery's feat is often described as the most famous save, in an FA Cup final, of all time.

What is the issue?
The bumpety-bump punctuation and the separation of wording that belongs together.

Where is the issue?
The middle phrase ("in an FA Cup final").

Hint
Move the middle phrase ("in an FA Cup final").

Solution
Montgomery's feat is often described as the most famous save of all time in an FA Cup final'. Now try two harder examples from the same Wikipedia article, below.

Sunderland

Sunderland required only a draw in their final game against rivals Chelsea, who had another game left to play after this match, to secure promotion.

[It has a clunky feel to it; why?]

What is the issue?
The order of ideas in the sentence is the problem.

Where is the issue?
Sunderland required only a draw in their final game against rivals Chelsea, who had another game left to play after this match, to secure promotion.

Hint
Can you work out how to reposition the last phrase so it's not stuck out at the end of a long sentence?

Solution
To secure promotion, Sunderland required only a draw in their final game against rivals Chelsea, who had another game left to play after this match.

Shots at the goal

Sunderland, a Second Division club at the time, won the game, mostly due to the efforts of their goalkeeper Jimmy Montgomery; he saved in quick succession two of Peter Lorimer's shots at the goal.

What is the issue?
The order and relative length of the ideas, and the punctuation.

Where is the issue?
The first chain is too long; the second fragment (after the semicolon) is too short. Try recasting the join between them, including a different punctuation mark and different grammar.

Solution
Sunderland, a Second Division club at the time, won the game; this was mostly due to the efforts of their goalkeeper Jimmy Montgomery, who saved in quick succession two of Peter Lorimer's shots at the goal.

32 million albums

The Association ranks her as the eighth-best-selling female artist in American music history, having sold 32 million albums in the US.

[Ambiguity is the issue.]

What the issues are
The relationship between the two segments in the sentence is ambiguous.

Where the issues are
The Association ranks her as the eighth-best-selling female artist in American music history, having sold 32 million albums in the US.

Solution
Having sold 32 million albums in the US, she is ranked by the Association as the eighth-best-selling female artist in American music history.

Explanation
Reversing the order of the segments and using the passive voice is one way of ensuring that it is she and not the Association is clearly conveyed as having sold 32 million albums in the US. We usually try to ration the use of the passive voice, but here it works quite well.

HMS Agincourt (1913)

As Brazil's relations with Argentina were warming and the country's economic boom was losing steam, the government negotiated with Armstrong to remove the third dreadnought from the contract.

Hint
The first word—what does the "as" mean? Could it be ambiguous?

Solution

This is one of a number of possibilities for the "as"-as-causal meaning. It was suggested by SashaMarievskaya as an improvement to my previous offering. The causality is shifted into a new sentence: While Brazil's economy was losing steam, its relations with Argentina were warming. This led the Brazilian government to request that Armstrong remove the third dreadnought from the contract. If you want the "as" as at-the-same-time-as meaning, perhaps this: While Brazil's relations with Argentina were warming and the country's economic boom was losing steam, the government negotiated with Armstrong to remove the third dreadnought from the contract.

Explanation
Even when the reader can work out whether it's a because as or an at the same time as as, it's often good to reword so there's no doubt. This is a good example because it was hard to know which was intended, even in the larger context of the paragraph.

Group 3

Ms Ima Hogg

Ima worked closely with architect John Staub to design the house so that it would show off the art the family had already purchased.

[Yes, parents can be cruel. Remove four words and change a fifth, to produce neater wording.]

What the issues are
Unnecessary little grammatical words. A redundant "temporal" word; the job is done by the tense.

Where the issues are
Ima worked closely with architect John Staub to design the house so that it would show off the art the family had already purchased.

Solution
Ima worked closely with architect John Staub to design the a house so that it would show off the art the family had already purchased.

Explanation

The grammar is simpler and more succinct. "A" rather than "the" is appropriate, since the house—especially in the changed grammatical environment—is one of a class of houses that could be designed for that purpose, not the only one. "Already" is redundant in the light of the past tense (unless it's required for some particular emphasis, which was not the case in this context). "That" has a quite different grammatical role now; in effect it's been removed and reinserted under a different guise. Only by coincidence does the word still appear in the solution.

Spouting water

Concern over the spouting water potentially knocking people down made the design both a legal and a physical challenge.

[There are at least three issues! Stare at it before you access the hints below.]

What the issues are
Is "concern over a potential" the most direct way to express what underlies a design challenge? Is "potentially" necessary, anyway? There's an ungainly grammatical construction in the middle ("water knocking people down" is a bit clumsy). There's an "-ing ... -ing" repetition; it's OK, but removing it would be nicer.

Where the issues are
Concern over the spouting water potentially knocking people down made the design both a legal and a physical challenge.

Solution
The risk that the spouting water would knock people down was both a legal and physical design challenge.

Explanations

This is a long-winded explanation, so if you understand the solution just by looking at it, please move on. The risk is more direct than concern over, and allows us to dispense with the inelegant "potentially". The "noun + -ing" problem was easy to overcome by using "that"; this also eliminates the "-ing ... -ing" repetition. See Exercise 14 below for more on this. Using the verb be (here, was) is a plainer, more direct wording: "X was a challenge" rather than "X made Y a challenge". "Y" ("the design") is now tidily snuck in as a mere adjective to "challenge".

Artificial turf did the trick

Artificial turf was installed because it was easier to maintain than natural grass. The potential damage to a natural grass field caused by Seattle's frequent rain also made the surface an appropriate option.

What the issues are
This could be said in many fewer words: consider conflating it into a single sentence to avoid the repetition. Pick out the bits you don't like and check below in the hint.

Hint
The bits we don't like are in orange. The repetition is underlined. See if this helps you to think of a neater solution. Artificial turf was installed because it was easier to maintain than natural grass. The potential damage to a natural grass field caused by Seattle's frequent rain also made the surface an appropriate option.

Solution
Artificial turf was installed because it was easier to maintain than natural grass, and would be less vulnerable to damage from Seattle's frequent rain. [Why is this better than the problem text above?]

Comments

The ellipsis avoids repetition ("and it would be less vulnerable") and retains "artificial turf" as the subject throughout. "Natural grass" doesn't even need to be repeated, since there's now a comparative "less". "Less", then, is a back-reference, and holds the two clauses together. The verbose gobbledygook has been replaced with more cohesive wording: 33 words are now 24. "Also" has morphed into "and", which performs a useful task in linking the two clauses.

Company threatens downloaders

Odex sent letters of demand to people associated with IP addresses after sufficient downloading activity had been recorded.

[Just one issue. Can you see it before you click again?]

What is the issue?
It's ambiguous. What are the two possible meanings? Even if one of them is much less likely than the other, the "fork" in meaning makes readers work a little harder.

Further hint
The two possible meanings are: people became associated with IP addresses after sufficient downloading activity had been recorded; or Odex sent letters of demand to those people after sufficient downloading activity had been recorded. Clearly, the second meaning is intended. How do you reword to force this meaning?

It's surprisingly simple
Reverse the order of the clauses.

Solution
After sufficient downloading activity had been recorded, Odex sent letters of demand to people associated with the IP addresses.

Explanations
Easy-peasy. But the hardest thing was to pick up that it was ambiguous in the first place. Good editors learn to scrutinise every sentence for possible multiple meanings. Adding "the" eliminates the sense that anyone associated with any IP address got a letter of demand. "The" means, "You know the ones I mean: it's common knowledge, or it's already in the text."

Totalitarian alarm

The Soviets were as alarmed by the problem as their East German protégés.

[Just one issue. And in the context they're talking about the regimes of both countries.]

What is the issue?
Exactly as alarmed as each other? This might be called a false equative, or a forced equality.

Solution

Both Soviet and East German regimes were alarmed by the problem. Other solutions are possible, including statements that retain the "protégé" idea; it depends on the context. In the same article, there was another forced equative: "The East German government had an equally important incentive [as the West German government]"—was it exactly equal?" Note that where it's "A plus B", as here, you can often do without the two "the"s (i.e. "Both the Soviet and the East German regimes ..."); binning pairs of "the" is surprisingly elegant and entirely grammatical. [As an aside while we're talking of equatives, let's decry this tired and cumbersome attempt at elegance: "Three earthquakes in as many months"; or the ludicrous example once heard on ABC Radio news: "One incident in as many months". Pffff.]

Nebulisers

DPIs have many advantages over liquid nebulisers: the drug is more stable, dosing is rapid, the devices are less expensive, and can be manufactured in a disposable form.

What is the issue?
This is a list. There's a problem in the way the items are organised; it's not to do with their order.

Hint
How many items are there in this running list? Four?

Further hint
There are four in a way, but on a higher structural level there are only three, concerning (1) "the drug"; (2) "dosing", and (3) "the devices". It's really 1, 2, and 3a plus 3b.

Solution
DPIs have many advantages over liquid nebulisers: the drug is more stable, dosing is rapid, and the devices are less expensive and can be manufactured in a disposable form.

Explanations
Here it is again, with the numbers interpolated: "DPIs have many advantages over liquid nebulisers: (1→) the drug is more stable, (2→) dosing is rapid, and the devices (3a→) are less expensive and (3b→) can be manufactured in a disposable form." Avoiding the comma between 3a and 3b stresses their connectedness ("devices" is their common subject).

Jaws, the film

Chrissie Watkins, a 23-year-old woman, leaves an evening beach party to go skinny-dipping in the Atlantic Ocean, only to be dragged back and forth violently and then under the water.

[This is in the present tense because it's recounting the storyline.]

Hint 1
So the dragging under the water wasn't violent?

Hint 2
Relocate "violent". You might also need a different verb for the "under the water" bit.

Solution
Chrissie Watkins, a 23-year-old woman, leaves an evening beach party to go skinny-dipping in the Atlantic Ocean, only to be violently dragged back and forth violently on the surface and then pulled under the water.

Group 4

Windseeker

The main attraction will be a new 301-foot (92 m)-tall swing ride known as WindSeeker.

What is the issue?
The compound hyphenated structure is clunky, especially with WP's unit conversion. Is there a simple solution?

Hint 1
Try rearranging the order of the wording within "a new 301-foot (92 m)-tall swing ride"; you'll need to change the grammar.

Hint 2
"a swing ride ...".

Solution
The main attraction will be a new swing ride 301 feet (92 m) tall, known as WindSeeker.

Stone curtain wall

The castle is oval, with an 11-metre (35 ft) wide stone curtain wall.

What is the issue?
Even without Wikipedia's necessary binary international/US unit conversions, this is a cumbersome expression, and strictly speaking requires a triple unit, hyphenated: "The castle is oval, with an 11-metre-wide stone curtain wall."

Hint
Change the word order.

Solution
The castle is oval, with a stone curtain wall 11 metres (35 ft) wide. Smoother, and no hyphens are required.

Castle

The castle has been the subject of antiquarian studies since the 18th century, and it was originally thought to have been the ___location of an Iron Age hill fort.

What is the issue?
One word could be removed, to bring two benefits.

Hint
Use the technique of ellipsis.

Solution
The castle has been the subject of antiquarian studies since the 18th century, and it was originally thought to have been the ___location of an Iron Age hill fort.

Explanation
Two benefits. First, the ellipsis, in which the readers effortlessly assume the invisible presence of the now-missing word; this is neater. Second, "it" could have referred two singular nouns: "the 18th century", "the subject", or "the castle", and the reader has to work just a little to get over that fuzziness, even though it's obvious "it" doesn't refer to "the 18th century".

William de Neville

Buckton Castle was probably built by William de Neville, Lord of Longdendale, in the late 12th century; which would make it contemporary with other castles in Greater Manchester, such as Dunham and Stockport.

What is the issue?
Punctuation / sentence structure.

Hint
Buckton Castle was probably built by William de Neville, Lord of Longdendale, in the late 12th century; which would make it contemporary with other castles in Greater Manchester, such as Dunham and Stockport. This is the opposite of a comma splice, in which a comma is wrongly inserted before a fully grammatical, stand-alone sentence.

Solution

..., in the late 12th century, which would make it contemporary with other castles in Greater Manchester, such as Dunham and Stockport. But now there's a succession of commas, so it might be better to retain the semicolon and make the text that follows it a proper sentence: ..., in the late 12th century; this would make it contemporary with other castles in Greater Manchester such as Dunham and Stockport.

Cope versus Darwin

Due to his background in taxonomy and paleontology, Cope focused on evolution in changing structural terms, rather than Darwin's emphasis on geography and variation within populations.

Hints
What Cope and Darwin each focused on needs to be grammatically parallel, or at least logically connected. "Evolution in changing structural terms" is a little hard.

A solution
Due to his background in taxonomy and paleontology, Cope focused on evolution terms of changing structure, rather than Darwin's strategy of emphasising geography and variation within populations.

Explanation
This is only one way of doing it.

Record number of goals

In 2009, he set a new OHL record for career goals as he finished the season with 215, two more than former record holder Peter Lee.

Hints
Is it a causal as or an at-the-same-time-as as? "As" in this sense is a badly engineered word in English and is often better substituted. Peter Lee is over-described if "two more than" is there. Lose four words and simplify the structure to avoid the "as" problem.

A solution
In 2009, he finished the season with a career total of 215 goals, breaking Peter Lee's OHL record by two.

Three-blade turbines

Three-blade turbines are the most common design for modern windmills, as the design minimises forces related to material fatigue.

[This is the caption to a picture of a three-blade wind turbine.]

Hint
"Design" appears twice, which is a little boring. It links the two ideas in the sentence causally, but this causal relationship doesn't need to be explicitly flagged by a word like "as".

There are two alternatives

The first is: "Three blades minimise forces related to material fatigue, and are the most common design for modern wind turbines." Alternatively, you could change the grammatical theme (the writer's point of departure for the message, the "what I'm going to tell you about"): "The most common design for modern windmills is a three-blade turbine, which minimises forces related to material fatigue." For one angle on grammatical theme, see Thematic equative.

Group 5: longer examples

St-Calais the rebel

St-Calais continued to hold out in Durham, claiming he had never rebelled. When the king approached with an army, St-Calais agreed to come out, but only after receiving a safe conduct that would allow him to attend a trial while his men continued to hold the castle. From his actions, it appears likely that St-Calais did rebel, whatever his statements to the contrary, although northern chronicles maintained his innocence.

[There's just one issue; can you pinpoint it?]

What is the issue?
The logical connection between two phrases.

Where is the issue?

St-Calais continued to hold out in Durham, claiming he had never rebelled. When the king approached with an army, St-Calais agreed to come out, but only after receiving a safe conduct that would allow him to attend a trial while his men continued to hold the castle. From his actions, it appears likely that St-Calais did rebel, whatever his claims to the contrary, although northern chronicles maintained his innocence.

Hint
Where should the contrast be? Between his claims and what the northern chronicles reported, or is there a more basic contrast?

Further hint
Both "whatever his claims to the contrary" and the fact that "northern chronicles maintained his innocence" seem to be on the same side of the conflict between (1) what his actions suggested, and (2) recorded reports of verbal statements. Therefore, although shouldn't contrast the two phrases that are expressing (2); there's another word present that can do the job of contrasting (1) and (2).

Solution

St-Calais continued to hold out in Durham, claiming he had never rebelled. When the king approached with an army, St-Calais agreed to come out, but only after receiving a safe conduct that would allow him to attend a trial while his men continued to hold the castle. St-Calais's actions suggest that he did rebel, whatever his claims to the contrary and statements of his innocence in northern chronicles.

Explanation
"Whatever" now provides the critical logical contrast between what his actions suggested and the verbal claims.

Somerset

This comes from the lead, which provides a sequence of summary statements about the subsequent text in the article.

Agriculture continues to be a major part of the economy of Somerset. Apple orchards were once plentiful, and to this day the county is linked to the production of strong cider. The unemployment rate in the county is lower than the surrounding counties. The largest employment sectors are retail, manufacturing, leisure/tourism and health/social care.

[There are four issues.]

What are the issues?
A wrong word. A problem of logic and of vagueness. A MoS breach. A false comparison.

Where are the issues?
Agriculture continues to be a major part of the economy of Somerset. Apple orchards were once plentiful, and to this day the county is linked to the production of strong cider. The unemployment rate in the county is lower than the surrounding counties. The largest employment sectors are retail, manufacturing, leisure/tourism and health/social care.

Solution

Agriculture continues to be a major part of the economy of Somerset. Apple orchards were once plentiful have been plentiful for more than [?five] centuries, and to this day the county is linked to known for the production of strong cider. The unemployment rate in the county is lower than that of the surrounding counties. The largest employment sectors are retail, manufacturing, leisure/tourism leisure and tourism, and health/social care health and social care.

Explanations

The problem of logic and of vagueness: "Once" suggests that the orchards were plentiful at some time in the past and are no longer so; but the subsequent clause implies that plentiful orchards have ever since been and still are plentiful, since the county is known for its apple cider. An indication is required of when "in the past" this was, even if as vague as "for at least five centuries". We have guessed a solution; the author would need to be asked to check this. The wrong words: "Linked to" is ambiguous; "known for" is presumably what the author intended. The false comparison: The unemployment rate in Somerset is being compared with the unemployment rate in the surrounding counties, not with the counties themselves; "that of" can be inserted to stand for "the unemployment rate of" those other counties; then the comparison is valid. The MoS breach: Slashes are usually avoided.

Jane Zhang

Jane Zhang (born 11 October 1984) also known as Zhang Liangying is a Chinese pop singer who came to prominence when she placed third in the 2005 season of the Super Girl contest a national all female singing competition held in the People's Republic of China. Throughout the competition, she sang in English, Spanish and Cantonese in addition to Mandarin Chinese.

[There are seven issues.]

What are the issues?
A word that is probably redundant. Missing commas (three could be added). A word that is inconsistently applied in one place but not another. A potentially misleading lexical item (word). A verb that is used wrongly in active voice. A missing hyphen. A character that may need to be changed in case (upper to lower, or lower to upper).

Where are the issues? [not including the comma problems]
Jane Zhang (born 11 October 1984) also known as Zhang Liangying is a Chinese pop singer who came to prominence when she placed third in the 2005 season of the Super Girl contest a national all female singing competition held in the People's Republic of China. Throughout the competition, she sang in English, Spanish and Cantonese in addition to Mandarin Chinese.

Solution
Jane Zhang (born 11 October 1984), also known as Zhang Liangying, is a Chinese pop singer who came to prominence when she was placed third in the 2005 season of the Super Girl contest Contest, a national all-female singing competition held in the People's Republic of China. Throughout During the competition, she sang in English, Spanish and Cantonese in addition to Mandarin Chinese.

Explanations

Three commas are required: the first two are boundaries for a nested phrase ("also known as Zhang Liangying"); the third is an "equative" comma, meaning "that is". "Placed" can't refer to what she does, but to what is done to her; the passive voice must be used ("was placed"). A hyphen is required for "all-female", which is a double adjective. This is the case even in AmEng. See MOS on hyphens. An upper-case "C" is required, for "Contest", since it's part of the title of the competition; this can be confirmed at the linked article and the link re-piped. "Held" is hardly necessary, since all competitions are held, and we're told its country of ___location. "Throughout" may imply that she sang from start to finish in a mixture of all four languages; while this is an unlikely meaning, it is clearer to use "during", which doesn't convey the start-to-finish meaning. "Chinese" is used to qualify "Mandarin", but not "Cantonese"; however, both are Chinese languages. It's probably acceptable to remove "Chinese" altogether, since China is central to the topic and both languages were linked. Re-pipe the link. There's one more issue: the list of languages at the end finishes with "in addition to"; why the marked form of "and" is used is unclear. Is Mandarin somehow different from the rest of the list? Perhaps it's her native language, but it's all a mystery to the poor reader.

Steam locomotive technology

Incorporating a number of new developments in steam locomotive technology, the Packets were amongst the first designs to utilise welding in the construction process, which meant that components could be more easily constructed during the wartime austerity and post war economy.

[There are six issues.]

What are the issues?
An unnecessary repetition. A missing hyphen. An ugly word that has a common, shorter equivalent. An old-fashioned word. Opportunities for neater expression in two places. An opportunity to split an over-long sentence.

Where are the issues?
Incorporating a number of new developments in British steam locomotive technology, the Packets were amongst the first designs to utilise welding in the construction process, which meant that components could be more easily constructed during the wartime austerity and post war economy.

Solution
Incorporating a number of new developments in steam locomotive technology, the Packets were among the first designs to use welding in the construction process; this enabled the easier fabrication of components during the austerity of the wartime and post-war economy.

Explanations

"Amongst" is better as the plainer and shorter "among". "Utilise" is a very ugly word for "use". The second occurrence of "construction/constructed" can be avoided by substituting it with "fabrication". "Post-war" is a double adjective before "economy", and should therefore be hyphenated. The comma after "process" is turned into a semicolon to enable the readers to pause and gather their thoughts momentarily; the next clause is turned into a grammatical sentence starting with "this", not "which". In any case, "which meant that" is clumsy; better to say it plainly. During austerity isn't quite right, and the meaning is clearly that both the war and the post-war period involved economic austerity. We've presented one way of rewording, which would need to be confirmed by the FAC nominator. A user has suggested that "a number of" and "new" may be redundant. Removing "a number of" could emphasis the global significance of the developments: "a number of" seems to constrain the claim a little; I agree that in some circumstances, "a number of" is just clutter. "New developments" is probably not redundant, since it contrasts with existing or previous developments (which may not yet have been incorporated).

Chain-driven valve gear

The locomotives also featured Bulleid's innovative, though controversial chain-driven valve gear and the inclusion of thermic syphons. The class members were named after the Merchant Navy shipping lines involved in the Battle of the Atlantic, and latterly those which used Southampton Docks, an astute publicity masterstroke by the Southern Railway, who operated Southampton Docks during the period.

[There are five issues.]

What are the issues?
Three cases of redundant wording. Read the text as running on directly from the previous exercise. A clash between animate and inanimate entities. A false contrast (a problem of logical flow). The use of two expressions of very similar meaning, where a common expression would make the text more cohesive. An opportunity to split an over-long sentence and at the same time to avoid ambiguity.

Where are the issues?
The locomotives also featured Bulleid's innovative, though controversial chain-driven valve gear and the inclusion of thermic syphons. The class members were named after the Merchant Navy shipping lines involved in the Battle of the Atlantic, and latterly those which used Southampton Docks, an astute publicity masterstroke by the Southern Railway, who operated Southampton Docks during the period.

Solution
The locomotives also featured thermic syphons and Bulleid's innovative, though controversial chain-driven valve gear. The class members were named after the Merchant Navy shipping lines involved in the Battle of the Atlantic, and latterly those which used Southampton Docks; this was an astute a publicity masterstroke by the Southern Railway, who which operated Southampton Docks during the period.

Explanations

Redundant wording. First, even when you read this as running on directly from the previous exercise text, you don't need to be told that this is another attribute of the locomotives: it's stronger without also. Second, we don't need both featured and the inclusion of. Pure fluff, since if something is featured, it is included. Innovation and controversy often go together; they certainly don't want to be marked as an unusual combination by though. Long-sentence indigestion: give your readers a break and split it; the semicolon boundary and the this was back-connector will help them to connect the publicity masterstroke with the action of naming the ships, right back at the start of the sentence. What masterstroke isn't astute? The Docks and the Southern Railway might have been operated by people, but they were both corporate entities and deserve which, not who.