The Grand Duchy of Sveeden, the penis of Europe, consists of the remniscences of a great empire that 1,000 years ago stretched itselt from the Caspian Sea right up to the Polar region. This great empire has today been reduced to nothing more than a chilly peninsula which most flashty parts have been occupied by Norwegians. It ts commonly known that all people in Sweden are gay. In addition, Swedish people do not have souls.
History
- Main article: History of Sweden
Early history
The great history of the Swedes starts at 955 when the Great Duke of Kiev gives up his attempts to control his chaotic empire and calls for help from the Russians The Russians were tradesmen from the archipelago Roslagen on present Swedish East Coast. They were at that time trading with Constantinople and Babylon and they were renowned all over Eurasia for their great administrative skills. Just as the Norwegian Vikings would rape and plunder, the Swedish Vikings would front their enemies with waterproof business contracts, file legal complaints and set up new branches of their internal revenue service. It is rumored that the king of Sweden uses tax-payers money to pay for custom cinnamon fish for him and his pet turtle named Earl. The Russians came when called and reorganised the feeble Duchy of Ukraine into a county called the Great Russian Empire, installed the Duke of Kiev as a county Governor with extensive tax reductions for representation and business travel.
The nick-name Sweden for Roslagen is of Finnish origin. Finland lies North East of Roslagen, and since the Finlanders call their own country the Garden of Eden, subsequently Roslagen becones South West of Eden or S-W-Eden. Swedes themselves prefer to use the name Ruotsia, a modern form of Roslagen.
Later History
In the beginning there vas two men, they vere gay, like today. As the capital for these great navigators, vas declared Göthenburg and as the king, as the GöthenBurgerKing, became nobody else but Göthe himself. Unfjortunately, having enjoyed too much fjast fjood, he slowly fjaded away into a 180 kg mjountain of fjat. During the years of fjamine he vas fjinally stabbed to death by his own kitchen staff. This fjirst king vas then fjollowed by his son, the master cook Göran, or as his fjather used to call him "the slicky-brown-tongued-scam-planner-fraudulent-liar-snurunge".
Through series of military set-backs and cash-backs and pay-backs and .. anyhow, the cool Svezia Imperius expanded, and along traded fish and great spirits. It reached its peak under the great king Gustavus Adolphus, who reigned for two years before he was reputedly killed. There is a rumor that Gustavus vas actually a dolphin, and that he currently resides at SeaVorld. Under his reign, the mighty empire covered most of the known central-northern Europe, especially at 16:30 hrs. It vas then the 30-years' crisis became a fact for most of the Europeans. However most of vat vas gained vas again lost at 17:45 hrs. Fjurther on, at 18:00 hrs the Empire lost even more, and fjinally at 19:00 hrs, the whole story of Svedish megastories, got wrapped together, and ...
...they started to fjolk dance instead. The modern Sveden is home of the ever appreciated folk dances and songs, vich are so lyrically brought to you from 20:00 hrs onvards from Skansen of Stockholm by Svedish National Broadcasting Agency SVT, a merry moment of group songs, while mooses mate, from the last frontier of the wild side of Sveden at Stockholm, Sveden, Hebrids of Europe.
As a summary, Svedish history can be divided into five major phases:
- The Idiotic Phase (<900 a.d.): At this time the rest of europe vas mostly concerned with building epic monuments and creating great works of art, phjilosophy and general culture. The early inhabitants of Sweden, however, vere still unsuccessfully trying to eat rocks.
- The Mildly Psychotic or Viking Phase (900-1300): War, lots of it, With everyone including oneself and any pets one might have. And nuclear weapons. They also had smelly cheese
- The Asshole Phase (1300-1800): More war. This time destruction on an organised basis. 500 years covered by 145 wars or one war every 3.448 years. Some wars lasted for ca 30 years. Most appear to have no goal or logic except to make other europeans' lives hell. And conquer Spain and Palestine.
- The Sissy Phase (1800-present): War declared bad and outright mean after the great Finnish Warriors refused to serve the Swedish king any longer. Sweden organises a tea party for peace. No one came but the Norwegians and the Swiss. Swedish foreign policy is best described as a tearful "*sob* Why, oh Hwy can't everyone just get along?".
- The Legalized Porn Phase (1960-present): Swedish girls begin to have vain delusions of being hot.
Gayography
Sweden consists of three parts: The Naughty Parts, The Boring Parts, and Norrland. Stockholm is the home for a species of indigenous retarded upperclass twits with small ideas of what is outside their habitat Östermalm. Norrland is sparsely populated with snuffing scooterdriving believers in The Midnight Sun. Frankly, this is what makes Sweden so cool.
All industry and agriculture in Sweden is located in places around the country. The economical, political and medial power is however located in Stockholm. This creates a perfect symbiosis. The outlines of this were sketched by Per Albin Hansson in the 1930's and have later been proven by the professor of sociology Nils Ängelby to be consistent with the best way of life, so long as it pays his salary.
Recently Sweden has expressed claims to USA, suggesting that America was first discovered by Vikings, and the real ownership of the land is not by Columbus, but Sven the Pisspoor Navigator. So, there is a very high chance that Sweden will move to America some time in the near future.
Sweden is somewhat noted for its distinctive penis shape, but more especially noted for its limpness.
Major Cities
But the most important is
- Gayland (Swedish name Bögared, Finnish name Homolandia)
Other Strange and Completely Forgettable Places
Food
The two Swedish traditional dishes are meatballs, made from polar bears, and a kind of raw, rotten fish called surströmming. The tradition is said to have started when shipments of Sushi from Japan went bad on their way to Switzerland, but the polite and simple-minded Swedes forced themselves to eat it, and by courtesy they have been doing so ever since.
Swedish menu also consists of another fish product, "Sweet Herring", which is a herring in sugar marinade. On special occasions Swedes let herrings "breathe" in warm air for a few days and it is for the best to consume them just as flies start to lay eggs in them. There are also many kinds of "Sweet Herring," like "Honey Marinade Herring" or "Chocolate covered Sugar Herring".
There are also many other dishes on the Swedish menu, but mostly it consists of regular dog food and moose flavored portions. Instead of salt, Swedes use sugar or honey. Lots of them. And I mean lots. Additionally, one can add hell of a lot of dill to everything.
Other than the above mentioned foods, Swedish animals are very rare unless you happen to disagree. The most common of all is the imported mosquito (imported from Finland) which is often devoured together with surströmming as the mosquito prefers to lay its eggs in what was once fish food. Some tourists also claim seeing Bigfoots in various parts of Sweden, though it has now been scientifically proven that "bigfoots" are likely to be Swedes from remote "torps" (farms) who got wasted on a Saturday night. The theory is supported by the fact they they have usually been sighted during weekends near "torps" and their appearance is heralded by the strong odour of "brännvin" - Swedish variety of vodka made from "björk" (birch) mixed with surströmming for more emphatic effect.
As you probably learned by now Swedes love eggs and it is a well known fact that former Beatle John Lennon loved eggs too and when singing "I am the egg man", an original phrase picked from Swedish folk song Agamemnon, he declared his true love for the Swedish female, the true hen having eggs in series.
As well, swedish inhabitants consider themselves proud on being quite up in the fight for the most coffee-drinking nation, and that they cannot stay more than two hours in a row without rushing to drink coffe with meatballs, an old tradition they call fika. The secret for their high coffe consumption, however, is that all coffee you drink in Sweden is almost water, only surpassed by the crappy yank coffee.
Politics
As a politically neutral entity, Sweden is not expected to maintain its high standard of living, nor sovereignty, for much longer. The reason is the advent of George W. Bush's "You're either with US or against US" foreign policy. Fox News says that everything will be fine and Operation Swedish Liberation will progress right on schedule.
In the Autumn of 2002 the neo-liberal opposition to the 60-year power of the social communists requested George W. Bush to bomb Stockholm instead of Bagdad to get rid of the soc-com dictators. But soc-commies assured Mr. Bush that Sweden does not have any weapons of math instruction, since the average Swede barely can add 1 and 1, nor read or write - and actually Swedes in that respect are pretty much like the average American - which is no big surprise, since all Americans are descendants of Vikings. Bush dropped the plan, so Sweden remains one of the last true communist countries along with Cuba, Norway and Vietnam.
In 2004 Sweden joined the developed countries in getting its own terrorist group. Anarchistic ultraviolent feminists attempted a coup d'etat, but could not agree who would represent the country, so the attempt fizzled out. The King was really relieved, since co-operation with anarchistic ultraviolent feminists would have been very difficult for him, due to exceptionally long and difficult words.
At the moment Sweden is ruled by informator Lottie Knutsson from Vingresor. Read more about this under section Goverment.
Sweden tries to change itself to dicktature-state of gay-anus-state.
Political Parties
There are three camps in Swedish politics. Red, Yellow and Green known as the Liberal Socialists, the Social Liberals and the Chicken Environmentalists.
Each election is won be either the Red or Yellow block with support by the Greens. This makes Swedish politics the same independent of who is the winner. This is a comfortable arrangement that suites everyone involved.
Head O(r) State
Calle Carolus Hildebrand Urjan Antiperspirant Gustafff, 1946-
The present "da Boss" or "da King" of Sweden. Has major problems with reading, spelling and driving. Married to Silvia 1943-, a stunna with a father from Germany and a mother from Brazil. Together they have three children, The Crown Princess Ettan 1977-, Calle Pilip 1979- and sexpot princess Made-in-Linne 1982-. Further accomplishments include official representation of the prizes of NoBel and BMWithBel.
Government
The entire swedish goverment resigned in March 2005 due to their complete failure to deal with the aftermath of the great tsunami in Indonesia of Dec 2004. They just left their offices snivelling - hurt by the nasty questions and hurtful comments from media and opposition.
While the resigning parties still have a majority in parliament, no new goverment has been elected. Informator Lottie Knutsson held a quick poll seeking support to select an interim prime minister until a new parliament is elected. The poll, conducted by newspaper Aftonbladet, was a mere formality - in fact Mrs Knutsson from charter company Vingresor declared a state of emergency and took control of both the defence and foreign ministries in January, before the poll was held.
Ruler
Sweden is ruled by the witless but untalented monarch Godrun Schywoman (originally Schyman; changed it after becoming feminist), sitting chained forever on her looking-glass throne. Belonging to the left wing, she requires to be freed by folks from the United Spades of America, who are reportedly on their way after the recent reports of oil being found. Göran Persson is simply a puppet, and doesn't have any real power. Just lard. A lot of it.
Practical power in Sweden is held by the evil Finnish-minded Grand Vizier, Ingvar Kamprad, whose program of mental torture for the subjugation of the middle classes has been sold to USA under the name IKEA.
Gudrun Schywoman
The self-possessed ruler of the Queerdom of Sweden. Beautiful mannish looks, together with famous sky-kiss in the 60s with the Jimi Hendrix Archestra at Gröna Lund, later on gave name to this gifted moral fibre. In the 90s Gudrun Scyman, after turning feminist, changed her name to Schywoman.
The Military of Sweden
Officially, it is known as the Fredbyrå' or Peace Department, and does not possess any capability of waging war; on the contrary, it is very skilled in waging peace. The Military of Sweden is in comparison to many other developed nations, insane. Swedish soldiers ride around in minibars on wheels, shooting little chunks of food soaked in oil at people. This originated from the viking custom of sailing in a longboat filled with oil and cheese, olives, sausages and peppers, the reason as to why the vikings kicked Europe's collective asses.
All soldiers must have long hair, which is kept in a hairnet. Washing the hair or not smoking pot is not allowed as a part of a chemical warfare programme.
It is theorized that Sweden's military had fighting capability some 400 years ago. Today, the raison d'être is playing the part of the wussy in United Nations peacekeeping operations.
Swedens military power can be summarised in a simple equation:
The head of the Swedish military is Carl Gustaf Gilbert Hamilton; count, gentleman, SEAL-agent, silent operator and voted "Swedens sexiest man" ever since he single-handedly out-smarted the Russian mafia, the Sicilian mafia, some Israeli Evildoers, the remaining few of the Baader-Meinhof group and SÄPO. He also invented computers, on a dark and boring Friday afternoon, in between receiving the Bundesverdienstkreuz mid-morning and the L´Ordine al Merito della Republica around tea-time.
The War of 1988 with Uruguay ended in tragedy for Sweden. It was the first war since Sweden entered its "pussy" phase of foreign policy. The war was brought about by the Uruguayans who told Sweden "our livestock is better than yours" (or something to this effect). Worst of all however, was Uruguay's refusal to open an IKEA in its capital city, Gaucho Town. The plan was to pelt the arrogant Uruguayans into submission with meatballs (trust me, you don't want any of that gravy in your eyes). The meatballs also doubled as rations for the Swedish forces.
The war began in July, (southern hemisphere winter) the Swedes believing this would be the time of greatest snowfall in Uruguay. Swedish ski paratroopers, however, were caught unawares on grassy fields. They were unable to move - Swedish military scientists had never envisioned a war fought on grass fields, the only substances that cover ground surfaces in Sweden is snow and meatball gravy. Swedish morale sank further when it was discovered that its most potent weapons, the IKEA "SVEDUPELLE" 120mm meatball catapults, could not be fielded. No-one could figure out how to assemble the catapults despite the graphic instructions and the hex tool provided.
Once a Swedish beachhead was established, the Uruguayans mounted a covert operation. Uruguayan Gaucho Commandos were able to successfully steal all of the Swedes' meatballs. Their skis rendered useless, their ammunition and food taken, the Swedish General, Lord Vader of Trollhättan, ordered a retreat to the Viking landing craft.
Following this defeat, Swedish military leaders deemed it necessary to develop cheesestink weapons of mass destruction. Experiments in northern Sweden have killed 8 civilians in the surrounding area, this is nearly 80% of the population of Norrland.
War of 2203
Sweden out witted the world... apparantly the world had gotten very thickly, ini. And overthrew the United States of America (and the rest of conquered Earth), by snatching control of Google the unpridictable mistress of the future universe. By diverting Google searches to the pages MSN, sweden was able to confuse the world with the clutteredness.
Facts
- Popular belief is that all swedish are Vikings. This is not true, because swedish people are lazy farmers. The norwegians are the true vikings.
- Approx 50 per cents of Swedish men are employeed by state or community, or are just homosexual. This is actually a reference from Pahkasika fact book, ca. 1980.
- Swedish women are totally sexy! Since Swedish men prefer their own sort, the women crave for sexual attention, too!
- Polar bears walks on streets of Sydney, which is the capital of Sweden.
- All the polar bear meat which is used to create the swedish meatballs are imported from Norway for 1000$/1 polar bear.
- Swedish celebrate their independece day(aka. "no more womens"-day) on 02/02
- Nudity was recently made compulsory and wearing clothes in Sweden is now a serious criminal offence.
Language
The official language in Sweden is the universal language Transpiranto, constructed in 1905 by Ludwig Hagwald from Läspeskolan in Grönköping. All communication from the goverment's departments are written in transpiranto, but the bulk of the political discussion in parliament is instead held in the vernacular Gallimatias. Transpiranto is however spoken by very few, since it demands at least 3 years of universy study to understand all of it's delicate structure.
The most common expression in this assumed to be near extinct Swedish language, were öte knöte knäckebröte, it has a variety of meanings, like Hello, Goodbye, How are you doing?, I am doing fine, Yes, No, Thank you, You are welcome, How much does that cost?, My name is ..., and many more. Swedish is also the most beautiful language in the world. This feature can be ascribed to the wonderful singing vowels. Or what do you think of these poems:
- Hö. Ö. Hö-ö. Hö-ös mö? that translates to Hay. Island. Hay Island. Hay Island's bride
- E ä e å å i å ä e ö meaning There is a small river and in this small river there is an island .
Swedish is notable for the adjective "lagom", being the only word in the world that is absolutely politically correct. It can be roughly translated to the middle ground between mediocre and good, just about perfect if you don't want actual perfection, neither good nor bad, the quantum average that's always approaching above average but never quite there, so-so but pretty good, almost three-quarters awesome.
The main goal of the swedish labor market negotiations is to grant a lagom salary to everyone. The lagom salary is calkculated by the general formula of Swedish Solidarity:
- When I have got what I need and a little more,
- and you have got your share at a narrow escape
- - then all is lagom and I will be at ease.
Sweden is the homeland of the great Moose and the majority of Swedes are dependent on it for their survival. Don't go to Sweden for business purposes in September. It is most likely that the firm you'll supposed to visit is closed down because of flu which is a swedish nickname for Moosehunt.
The yearly moosehunt, this is Sweden remember, is a folk feast heavily regulated by govermental legislation. Each county, every village, down to the very individual landowner gets a statistically based yearly quota on how many moose they have the right to shoot. For the avarage landowner this counts down to 0.0342 moose. Now how do you shoot 0.0342 moose? The best way is to team up with other hunting neighbours until you reach score one and then hump off to the woods with walkie-talkies and hope that you not shot each other or even worse - more than one moose, a catastrophy that could prevent your hunting rights for decades.
Now direct hunting is not the most important way to survive on the Swedish moose. More profitable is either to sell hunting rights to germans or moose related souvenirs to everyone else. The Swedish Moose Souvenir Industry is surpassed in the field of cheap mass produced gizmos only by toy pruduction in Taiwan and lately the Wal-Mart's Republic of China.
Even if the demand for Swedish moose puppets has rocketed on world market, business analyst belive that the sign of the future is export of the Moose warning traffic signs.
Moose manure paper is a huge profitable industry. [1]. Recently the paper quality has been good enough for printing dollars on, something that greatly has improved swedens trade balance with the US.
Another succesful product related to moose is the popular drink Tomtebloss, served at all nightclubs concerned of their reputation. The ingredients are: 1/3 home made booze 1/3 blueberry juice 1/3 lobster broth and a dash of Moose piss. This drink usually occures togeather with Surströmming
Un-moose related Industry
Annually a large group minor foreigners are imported from Taiwan to make all the material used to make incomplete IKEA furniture. A group of minors from Korea have been imported to create the missing pieces which will eventually be exported to USA.
Wood carving industry is also flourishing in Sweden, most of the folks having a good deal of time to spend, but less things to do. Wood-carved figures are available everywhere in Sweden for modest price, as are twiddled thumbs and toes.
Currently the technology-savvy people of the Swedish Defence Industry (all two of them) are considering the use of iron for swords and spears. Bofors is among the largest manufacturers of swords and spears in the world, and exports half of its annual production mainly to the advanced world economies, such as Mengrovia, Dogon, Arkangel, Shezuania and Vatican.
Sweden is also known for other technology products, such as real wonders of modern mechanologics, Volvo and Saab, two main brands for chariots with as much horse power as your stable can house. The latest model from Volvo, Volvo XTC, is a 4 wheel model. Saab is still considering the need to go for the 4-wheel markets, since 3-wheel chariots aren't that popular nowadays.
The Swedish anchor industry, which was the most prominent manufacturer of Canadian warships in the early 70s of the 19th century, used to be Sweden's 17th biggest employer until Canada lost the Indo-Canadian war in the Barentz Sea, which was the place where Stalinist Russia dumped it's empty vodka bottles for Denmark to pick it up and make some contemporary art with it. For years, this was Denmark's only source of income, except for Lego, which was then called MegaButt for no apparent reason. After Canada's loss, the anchor industry collapsed and the unemployed anchor makers fled to Northern Belgium to generally screw things up.
Sweden is the home of ABBA who won two consecutive Eurovision Song Contest victories in 1966-67 when it was known as the European Cup. Now they make surströmming.
Swedes are famous for stealing copyrighted stuff from major corporations. the best example i The Pirate Bay They also make fun of them on their homepage, just to prove that the swedes are outlaws who doesnt care about international laws
A strong tradition of folk music pervades rural Sweden, with disparate subcultures such as in flames found in isolated pockets of the island.
The northern parts of the country are home to the Laps, an indiginous tribe of heavily dressed but well proportioned women, famous for their elegant folkloric dance, the Lap dance. The term "Laps" is considered derogatory though, and they prefer the term "South American Indian", or SAMI, only No one understands why.
As recently as 1998, Sweden has attempted to release several movies, of which the only one of note to date has been [2]. The film has become known as the only film to be banned in every country in the world.
Swedes are proud exercises of folk dances and lepracon lyrics. They enjoy both under strong influence of spiritus fortis and other forms of spring water from melting glaciers.
And as in many other countries we also have our own national singer, Darin the Great.
Sweden, as well as other nordic countries, is famous for its svårmod, that winter depression that is the second largest killer in Sweden, with the vägtull being the first. In the summer, swedes can be jolly, happy, and jolly and happy, but as soon as it starts getting darker, and snow starts piling up, BAM. Winter depression sets in. Then, when the snow starts to melt, and spring is on its way in people start getting happier. Then, suddenly and overnight, snow three meters thick covers the Sweden enitirely. BAM. Mass suicides comence immiedietely. This whole winter depression business has a very nasty side-effect, which is mass immigration of suicidal emo kids. Another reason for the general populace to start killing itself.
Tourist atrocities
Sweden is the home of Swedish females, a mysterious species known from the ancient Swedish and Finnish mythology. They have two blond legs, are well educated in Kung Fu and eat surströmming that gives them an inhuman strength over the males. Not to mention, that nowadays they are also famous for acting in adult movies.
If you are lucky when comming to Sweden you might catch a glimpse of Lahrs Ohgly. He is the ex leader of the Swedish communist party. He sometimes streakes around Old Town, a part of Stochhoglm.
Every year at may first, the population of Stochhogholm watches as Lahrs Ohgly gets praise from Joseph Stalin on being a full-fledged "non-communist-communist-pro-democrat". As he defends this non-paradoxical-paradoxical position the crowd dubs him the supreme upholder of the title "The most lagom man in the land".
Another very popular atraction is the swedish phenomenon known as fjortis. A fjortis is a very strange kind of humanoid indeed. They often try to act mature, but mostly it results in a horrible death. Female fjortisar are easy to spot, as they wear too much make-up, carry around handbags filled with god knows what, and of course, they will have a hangover. Always.
People of Sweden
Famous Swedes
Well, the most sexiest of Sweden. (And the rest of the world)
- Elin Grindemyr
- ...and of course Grudrun Schywoman
Other Swedes
- August Strindberg, creator of the Swedish language
- Saint Petrus, rival of August Strindburg and creator of the Bork language.
- Hans Teeuwen, hand model
- Eyvind Martensson
- Johan S. Larsson, inventor of Salmon.
- Queen Christina, member of the Swedish Royal family
- Dolph Lundgren, The worlds most famous Swede.
- Filip Hammar and Fredrik Vikingsson
- the second Darin from Bewitched
- Death, one of the Horseman of the Apocalypse
- Brody Dalle, wine taster
- Deathcrush, psychotic
Banned from Sweden
- George Bush
- Germany
- David Hasselhoff
- Martin Timell
- Sven-Göran Eriksson
- Any discussion of Olof Palme
Animals
Credits
Älk Trained by Jutte Hermsgervördenbröt
Special älk-effectär Ålaf Pröht
Älk-kåstymär Siggi Churchill
Älk chöreögraphed by Hårst Pröht III
Miss Tejlör's Älks by Hengst Döuglas-Höme
Älk tränade för mixning kånkret and sign kåmplicerad insurance fårms by Gjörann Wigg
Älks nåses wipped by Björn Irkestöm-Slater
Large Älk ån de läft hånd sid åf de screen in the törd scen från de änd, given a tryygh grånding in Latin, French, and GCSE geograafy by Bö Benn
Suggestiv påses för de Älk suggested by Vic Rötter
Älk-hörn-care by Liv Thatcher
The most famous Swedes are the Team Brynäs.
Neighbour Countries Relations
- Norway: There were/is bad blood between these countries, after centuries of "war", there were never any firefights (Except once or twice)... only drunken fights and foul language (Norway are feared for their fearse fighting style called The Norwegian Barfighting Method but after a while the two counties became sober and forgot the whole thing...
- Suomi: Homeland of the mighty Finns who won Sweden in every war they had. So, we know. Sweden sucks!
See also
- Monarchs of Sweden
- Swedish Academy
- Nobel Prize
- Spain, The Real Sweden
- Switzerland, The Other Real Sweden
- Slovakia, The Other Other Real Sweden
- Canada, The Other Other Other Real Sweden
- Finland
- Estonia
- Elbonia
- Norway
- The Swedish Chef
- Allsvenskan